"What - so Jeff pressured you into it?" I said in horror, and he looked up at me in surprise.
"God, no!" he replied. "I wanted it. Everyone was buzzing, Jeff offered it to me, and at the time it just seemed like the solution to all my problems. I knew from experience it would perk me up and I just wanted an escape from everything. An escape from being me, just for a couple of hours. I didn't have to think twice - I just took it."
"Oh my God," I said, and it came out loud and shaky. "Oh my God."
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
I couldn't think of anything to say, even though a million questions were flying around my head. I couldn't articulate a response. I was in shock. Of all the things I had expected him to say, this hadn't even entered my head.
I stared at him with my mouth open, unable to speak.
"Please don't look at me like that," he said miserably.
"I just... I don't...," I stammered. "I'm just shocked," I said eventually. "I don't know what I was expecting you to say, but it wasn't that."
He nodded, and looked down at the carpet.
"I mean, I'm not stupid," I added. "I know the kind of circles you socialise in, and who your friends are. I'm not completely naïve. It doesn't exactly come as a shock to me that you've taken drugs. I suppose I just assumed it wasn't a regular thing."
"It isn't!" he said, quickly. "It's rare. I've tried stuff a couple of times, mostly when I was a bit younger, on our first couple of tours, and on odd occasions over the last couple of years. But it's never really appealed to me, even though a lot of my friends do it. It's never really been my thing. It had been over a year since I last took anything, I swear to you. I was literally on the verge of cracking that night, over everything that was going on in my life. I just wanted something to take the edge off, and I know that doesn't excuse it, but that was the reason I did it. It was the worst decision I've ever made."
"I wouldn't have thought Speed was your thing," I mused, thinking aloud. "I'm no drugs connoisseur, but I would have thought Coke was more your scene."
"None of it is 'my scene'," he snapped, emphasising the last two words with air quotes. "I told you, it's a not a regular thing for me. But you're sort of right - when I've dabbled in the past I've taken Coke more than Speed. But I need to tell you the rest; I need to get this out, and explain the full story. Please," he begged.
I was reeling from this part of his confession, and my mind was frantically trying to process this information, and fit it in with the parts I already knew. It was like a jigsaw puzzle in my head, with Harry handing me the remaining pieces, one at a time. I wasn't sure what the end picture looked like, but from the way he was talking it seemed to be far from complete.
"OK," I said, and it came out as a hoarse whisper. "Carry on."
"I felt the effects pretty quick," he began. "I'd snorted it to get the high quicker. I didn't feel tired anymore, I just wanted to party. We stayed in the bar for about half an hour, and then decided to go on somewhere else. We walked outside and I saw Sara. She was with another girl from their group, and she smiled when she saw me. I went over to say goodbye to her and she was being all giggly and flirty. I gave her a hug, and she sort of pressed herself up against me, and..." He stopped abruptly.
"And what?" I asked, afraid of the answer.
"And... it kind of turned me on, the way she felt against me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I kissed her cheek, and then she gave me a flirty smile and then left."
His eyes looked watery, but tears were spilling down my cheeks now.
"So you did fancy her," I choked out, standing up. "You did want someone else. I knew it. I knew I wasn't enough for you."
"No, Jess, please, you have to hear the rest," he pleaded, standing up too and reaching for my arm.
"I don't want to hear the rest!" I cried. "I don't want to listen to how you had the hots for some size zero bitch, and fųcked her in your hotel room because I wasn't pretty enough to keep you satisfied."
My chest heaved with sobs and I turned away from him and covered my face.
"No, it wasn't like that," he protested, and I heard his voice break. "Please let me explain. It's not what you think, I swear to you, Jess. I swear on my life."
"Just go, Harry," I whispered without looking at him.
"No," he said, and behind me I heard a sob, and a sniff. I turned around in surprise. "It wasn't as straightforward as that," he said, his voice wavering and his lip trembling. "Please just let me tell you everything. This has been a secret for long enough. You need to know the truth."
Something in his eyes made me listen. It could have been the sadness. It could have been the desperation. Or it could have been my own desire for self-destruction. But whatever it was made me wipe my eyes furiously and sit back down on the bed. I stared resolutely at him, steeling myself for the words I knew were going to hurt me.
"I went with Jeff to the next bar and he had some more shots, and all of us were buzzing," he continued, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. "I felt on top of the world. None of the stuff I had been worrying about seemed important anymore. It was like I didn't have a care in the world. But at the back of my mind I knew I needed to call it a night because I didn't want to be too trashed in the morning, so I told them I was going to bed, and Dale took me back.
"I could hardly walk. I don't know if it was the alcohol or the Speed. I was wrecked. I managed to get into my hotel room and Dale made me drink a pint of water slowly. He knew what I'd taken and he didn't want to leave me alone, but I knew I needed to go to bed. I was trying to convince him to go when my phone rang. I thought it would be you, but it wasn't, it was Sara. I thought it was odd that she was ringing me, so I answered the call. She asked where I was; I said I'd gone back to my room, and she asked if she could see me. I tried to put her off because I didn't feel comfortable at the thought of her coming up to my hotel room. I mean, we're not particularly close - it just felt weird. I told her I needed to get to bed, but she said it was important, and she was worried about Nadine. So I gave in and told her Dale would meet her downstairs and bring her up. He was only gone a few minutes; I made a cup of tea while I waited, and poured one for her too. I was still off my face, and I needed to sober up, and come down. When she arrived, she gave me a hug again, and... and I had that same reaction to her. Please, let me finish," he said quickly when he saw my face crumple again.
"Oh Jess," he said softly as I cried behind my hands again. "I'm not saying this to hurt you, you have to believe me. I've got to tell you what really happened."
"Just carry on," I sobbed, without looking up. "The sooner you get this off your chest the sooner you can leave me the fuck alone."
He was quiet for a moment and I kept my face hidden while I calmed down, then he cleared his throat and carried on.
"I offered her the cup of tea I'd made for her but she said no. We went and sat down on the little armchairs in my suite, and she started telling me she'd had an argument with Nadine because Nadine thought she had been flirting with me. She said she was worried about Nadine, because she'd had a lot to deal with lately with her friend being admitted to an eating disorder clinic, and apparently she'd been talking about me a lot, saying I was the one that got away, and she should never have let me go. I wasn't really saying much. Sara kept giving me these looks, like really intense looks, and she kept crossing and uncrossing her legs a lot. She said she understood why Nadine was so cut up over me, because I was a very attractive person. She was flirting with me, and I remember sort of flirting back."
