No Control | Holding Me Ransom (Book 2)

30 - The Dangerous Tricks People Play

I shook my head wordlessly at him.

"There you go again," I said, in a resigned tone. "More mystery. What does that even mean?"

There were a couple of seconds of silence.

"Maybe I know you better than you know yourself," he said eventually, without looking at me.

"Oh, so you were referring to me?" I said derisively. "You're saying I didn't know I needed you but now you're here you think I will suddenly realise?"

His eyes darted away uncomfortably and he shuffled his feet, before clearing his throat and beginning to speak.

"The conversation we had on the phone that day made me realise the extent of what I had done," he said, even though I hadn't given him permission to continue with his story. "I heard the pain in your voice when the truth sank in. It ripped through me, and I've never forgotten it. Everything I said to you was the truth. I couldn't bring myself to admit to taking Speed because I didn't want you to be disgusted with me over that, as well as over me being unfaithful."

Although I didn't want to hear this, I wanted to hear this. Harry had insisted he loved me during that initial conversation, and the sadistic part of me wanted to know whether he ever really had, or whether our whole relationship had been a lie. I wasn't sure which would make me feel worse, but it looked like I was about to find out.

"I wasn't expecting you to say the things you said," he admitted, looking up into my eyes."What you said to me, about clicking my fingers and getting what I wanted - it struck a chord with me. It made me question everything. You really hit home with everything you said, and the way you described me... it was someone I didn't want to be. And when you reminded me of the effect all of it would have on you; when you said everyone would be laughing at you... that hadn't even occurred to me, and it made it hurt so much. It..." He stopped again, his voice trembling. He put his hand over his heart. "It hurt in here, Jess. I hated myself for doing this to you. I knew you wouldn't forgive me. I'd known that before I'd even picked up the phone to call you. I had no right even to ask, which is why I didn't. I wasn't about to insult you further by asking you for another chance. But I wanted you to know how sorry I was, and how I wished I could go back and change it. I didn't want you to think I didn't care. It was the worst mistake of my life."

But did you ever love me? my subconscious was screaming. I stared at him, in the hope he would somehow give me the answer without me having to ask, but he looked away and took a deep breath.

"I can't really remember much after our phonecall. I called Louis back and at some point I told my mum and Gemma what had happened. I remember you trying to call me repeatedly, but I'd just shut down. I couldn't face you again. I know that was shıtty of me, and I should have taken your calls, but my head was all over the place. I'm so sorry for that. Amidst all of this I flew to Brussels and faced another roasting from pretty much everyone I spoke to. And each time I relived it things seemed to become clearer and clearer."

"What do you mean?" I ask fearfully.

He paused for a moment, and then carried on.

"When Louis came into my suite at the hotel and said you were there I almost fell over. I couldn't believe you'd flown out to see me. But I couldn't let myself be happy about it because I knew what I had to do. I wanted to take you in my arms the minute I saw you standing in that room waiting for me, but I couldn't. I couldn't make it any harder than it already was, for either of us. You wanted closure, I needed to sort my life out. I knew we couldn't be together after what I'd done. You'd made me see that I'd turned into everything you were afraid of, and you were right - I had let fame change me, to an extent. Not in an obvious way, maybe, but in some ways. And you could see those traits in me because I'd let you get so close to me. I'd hurt you so badly, and I hated myself for it. I couldn't risk hurting you any further. And I'd proved what I was capable of, when presented with temptation." His voice cracked yet again, and I felt a swell of emotion. I swallowed hard and kept my face impassive as I watched his lip trembling. "I didn't even think, Jess. It wasn't like I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway - it was exactly the opposite. I was fųcked out of my mind and it didn't even enter my head to say no. That's what made me come to the conclusion that I eventually came to."