You Look Perfect (lams)

Chapter 49

A/N: it gets a lil spicy but it's not smut I repeat it's n o t smut. I made sure no smut for my poor little innocent/asexual souls

Johns POV:

Alex's been giving me some subtle hints that he wants...uh..more. It'll be something small like wandering hands while we're kissing, staring at my abs when I get out of the shower, or more passionate and needy kissing. I don't really know how to feel about it but the idea of it sounds nice. So I decide to just go for it.

We're in the middle of one of our make out sessions when I lay him down from his sitting position so I'm on top of him. He makes a squeak of surprise when I do this and trails his hands down my sides. I deepen the kiss even more as he pulls my body closer to his to make friction. He slips his hand up my shirt and begins trailing his hand around and over one of my nipples.

He takes it to the next level and pushes me down on the bed, putting his hand up my shirt, tracing my abs and ab line. "Puberty hit you hard I see, that, or you've been working out."

I shift uncomfortably at the memory of Reynolds but try to keep going anyways. I take one of my hands and use it to remove his from my shirt. He whines into the kiss but complies and wraps his arms around the back of my neck instead. I break away from the kiss, panting and move down to his neck.

I begin skillfully sucking and leaving love bites on his neck and collarbone, making him moan breathlessly as he starts desperately fiddling with the loopholes of my jeans.

"W-wait. P-please." I stammer as he plays with the loopholes of my jeans. "You've been quiet this entire time. What's a few more minutes? You'll enjoy this, trust me."

I pull away from him as tears prick my eyes from the memory. I sit up on his knees making him sit up as well. "No, no, baby what's wrong?" He says, noticing my tears and trying to wipe them away before they fall.

"I just want to be g-good for you but I keep having the stupid flashbacks again! I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like such a burden. I don't deserve you, and you shouldn't have to put up with me and my p-problems. I wish Francis and Reynolds would have never hurt me! I wish I was normal, I wish I could go further with you without being so scared! I hate this, so, so, so much. I'm so fucked up, Alex."

At this point hot tears are streaming down my face as Alex gives up on trying to wipe them away. My breathing is uneven and shaky, so I try to even it out which doesn't work. Alex just looks at me with worry and sadness in his eyes before he pulls me into a hug.

I wrap my arms around his back and stuff my face into his shoulder, which I have to slouch to do. "It's okay, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you, John. Ever. You mean so much to me, okay? I'm not like them." He whispers into my ear. I sniffle, wipe a tear, and he pulls back.

"You're not a burden John. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just traumatized. And who wouldn't be? You've been through so fucking much and you're only 17. And you're right, I don't deserve you. You're perfect. I've been through some pretty fucked up shit too, Jacky. Like- do you remember that one night, at the Washington's? I started having a panic attack because of a storm. Literally just a storm. I've never even told you why, either. I've also never told you about my, um, past. And what happened when you...got taken. B-but that's really for another time! Tonight's about you."

I shake my head and sniffle again. "No, I- I want to know about you. Please? I feel like you know so much about me, my dad, Francis, but I don't really know much about your past. Also I really don't want to keep talking about my flashbacks. Please?" I beg. He sighs but nods.

"Fine. Okay, uh, I guess I'll start with the storm?" He asks. I nod to tell him to go on.

"Well, I was around 13-14 when a hurricane came into my small town in um, Nevis. The Caribbean. At this point my mom was already, uh- passed on. I had no one to protect me except my cousin Peter. He told me he didn't want me to go out into the city to get supplies because the hurricane was supposed to be here in about a day. So he decided to go himself, since he was older. Well the h-hurricane came a day early. The whole day I was worrying where he was, if he was safe. I had no idea where he was until a week later when the water died down. I went walking downtown to the store to see if I could find him. And I found him. Well, his body. Let's just say seeing two dead bodies of your family members in a span of two years isn't really an ideal childhood."

He chuckles humorlessly at the end and let's a single tear fall down his face. I run his back comfortingly and nods for him to keep going. He nods, sniffles, and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"Okay, so onto my mom. As you know, my dad left when I was younger. Without his budget as well as my moms we couldn't afford much. She was constantly working and I had to basically raise myself. Um, anyways. A few years after my dad left me and my mom got really, really sick. Since we were poor we only had enough money for medicine for one person. I insisted she take it because she needed to stay here and take care of me. She told me that I needed to take it because I was only 12 and had a long life ahead of me. So I did. A few days later she started coughing up blood uncontrollably. Her usually tan skin was wiped of all color. I sat by her bed crying and holding her hand until she- d-died."

His tears are falling more consistently now and he's shaking a bit. I frown as I hate seeing him cry. I pull him close to me and let lay his head down on my lap so I can run my fingers through his hair. He sighs happily as I do this.

"Is that why you were so worried when Martha got sick?" I question. He nods up at me. "There's one more thing I want to know." He raises an eyebrow. "Sure. What is it?" I run my hands through his silky hair and detangle it. "What happened when I was gone, Alex?" He shifts uncomfortably and fiddles with his sleeves.

"Oh right. That. Well uh, I might as well show you instead of trying to explain it." He says, nervously reaching a shaky hand to his sleeve, pulling it up. I gasp when I see multiples cuts down his wrists and arm. I take his arm and lift it up to my lips. Kissing each cut softly.

"W-were you s-suicidal?" I ask, tears welling in my eyes as I lay his arm back down gently. "I didn't really want to die, but I also didn't really mind if one of the cuts killed me. You know? I just liked the feeling of numbness it gave me. But I'm better now, I swear. Laf, Peggy, and herc were really here for me when I was going through that. It was a pretty dark time."

I chuckle humorlessly. "Yeah, tell me about it." He chuckles dryly and pulls back down his sleeve. "I'm glad you're better now, lex. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. If you ever feel like um, cutting, again tell me. I'll be here for you and help you, okay?" He nods and sits up from my lap to give me a kiss.

I kiss back. It's short and sweet and he sighs contently. "We should probably head to bed, huh?" He asks. I nod with a small smile before crawling over to the top of the bed and laying on the pillows. His petite frame joins me soon after, emitting warmth. I sigh happily and wrap my arms around him. "Goodnight, Jacky." He says cutely. I smile. "Goodnight lex."