Jack: I am not out of control! I'm a law-abiding citizen!
Adam: Really? Name one law
Jack: Don't kill people?
Adam: That's on me. I set the bar too low.
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Ryan: Hey Jack! Did you know there is cocaine in chocolate!?
Jack: What-
Adam, screaming from another room: FOR THE LAST TIME, I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT COCAINE! IT'S CACAO!
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*at the store*
Jack: Do you want anything?
Ryan: My will to live
Jack: They have chocolate
Ryan: ooh, chocolate
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Ryan, on the phone: Snap his kneecaps, and he'll talk; I'm at a parent-teacher conference.
Ryan: Anyways, you said Winter is enjoying finger painting! That's great.
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Adam, to Jack and Ryan: I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age; I go by the amount of pain in my ass, making you both identical.
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Ryan: Hold on! I'm having one of those things... a headache with pictures.
Their dad: What the fuck?
Adam and Jack: He has an idea.
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Adam: Why did you give Jack a knife?
Ryan: he felt unsafe
Adam: Well, now I feel unsafe
Ryan: I'm sorry...would you like a knife?
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Jack: Adam would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. He knew the crust was my favorite part.
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Jack: What's this?
5-Year-old Winter holds out a wet piece of paper with glue and glitter on it: A Gift!
Jack: Thank you, I love it.
*10 years later*
Winter: I don't understand why you framed such hideous childhood artwork above your mantle
Jack: Maybe you should've thought about that before making such hideous artwork. I love it. It's never being taken down.
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Adam: good morning, starshine; the earth says hello
Jack: shut the fuck up
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Ryan: I know how to defeat you.
Jack: Oh, this should be good.
Ryan: You're a nice person, and you have a good heart.
Jack: Wait-
Ryan: You are an excellent brother, and many people care about you!
Jack: STOP!
Ryan: YOU DESERVE TO HAVE GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU! AND YOU ARE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY!
Jack: GET AWAY FROM ME!
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Adam: any cute things to call your partner?
Ryan: sugar
Jack: honey
Ryan: flour
Jack: egg
Ryan: 1/2lb butter
Jack: stir
Ryan: pour into a pan
Jack: preheat to 350 degrees
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*Ryan and Jack playing video games*
Adam, waking up: you guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning to play video games?
Adam, figuring it out: you two never went to sleep, did you?
Ryan and Jack, in shame: yeah...
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Jack: I don't think the therapist should say wow many times during their first session with a client, yet here we are.
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Adam: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Ryan: A book a day keeps reality away.
Jack: A murder a day keeps idiots away.
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Adam: Your existence is confusing.
Jack and Ryan: How so?
Adam: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything wrong happening to you two upsets me.
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YOU ARE READING
AJR incorrect quotes
HumorThese are just things I thought about AJR at 3 am ⚠︎ sᴛᴏʀʏ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀɪɴ: sᴛʀᴏɴɢ ʟᴀɴɢᴜᴀɢᴇ⚠︎︎ 𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝑯𝒂𝒕𝒆 = 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌 Finished: February 2, 2023
