Out of the Darkness

62 Anna's POV

  I was so nervous actually meeting Colby's friends. Granted, I had been around them all quite a lot, but they didn't know that, and they hadn't been able to see me. This was different. I was alive...I think? Maybe I wasn't really alive, I didn't know. Maybe it was just some sort of massive extra energy mishap or something, but I felt alive. I felt the nervousness at meeting these people head on, I felt my heart pound in my chest when Colby had kissed me, the blood rush to my face when Jake had walked in. The disappointment when Colby had yanked his hand away from me, and spoke to me with anger. I hadn't meant to disappoint him, or make him angry. It was just that, I didn't know how long with whole "alive" thing would last. I couldn't be with him, when I knew that it would hurt us both more, if this didn't work out. I couldn't be with him, because I knew in my heart that I had never been with anyone. I was a virgin. I didn't have actual memory of it, but I just felt it. I did have the memory of me telling my mother not to worry about me getting pregnant because I planned to wait till I was married to give myself to the man I loved, and only to him. I guess maybe it didn't matter now...I was dead. I was technically a ghost. If I was alive for a short while, would I hate myself for betraying my beliefs? Or could I overlook all of that under the current circumstances? It didn't change anything. I still knew that it would hurt us both more when I didn't remain "alive." Or it would hurt me more at least. I didn't know how Colby felt about me. Again, I was a ghost. He knew that. He knew there could be no real future between us. Of course, I seemed to have this ingrained inclination to believe that guys only wanted one thing and would get mad if you told them no. Isn't that what had just happened? I didn't want to think of him that way. Just another guy that only wanted one thing. A typical male who only thought with his libido. My chest ached thinking about it. As Colby introduced me to his friends, I kept my gaze averted from Sam's. I could feel him staring a hole into me. It was very possible that he recognized me from the Queen Mary. I knew that he had seen me then. Either way, I really hoped he didn't blurt anything out, if he did think that he knew something. He didn't seem like the type but what did I know? I didn't really know these people, after all. Instead, I turned my attention to the music. I had always loved music...hadn't I? It seemed like I had. UGH, this no memories thing was so annoying. I was grateful for the flashes that I did remember but still. Not knowing things about myself was so frustrating. She pulled me over towards the speaker system where the music was louder. When we stopped, she dropped my hand, then looked past me, to Katrina, who I hadn't noticed had followed us. "You really don't know this?" I shook my head, and pulled on my fingers nervously. She didn't make a big deal again, just rattled off a name and artist. I tried to put it to memory but she automatically bombarded me with a question that I didn't know the answer too. "Okay, spill. Friends or more than friends? We need to know," Tara said, crossing her arms, and leaning back on one of her platformed feet. Somehow, this tiny girl with the baggy pants and chains, was intimidating me. I glanced from Tara to Katrina, then looked down at my hands as I pulled on my fingers. The sensation felt weird. I hadn't been able to really feel things for a long time. "What do you mean?" I asked, nervously, glancing back up at them. Tara rolled her eyes and grinned while Kat smacked her arm. "Be nice, you're scaring her." Then Katrina looked at me. "She means with Colby. Are you guys friends, or more than friends? Or do you even know? I get the feeling that he's kind of confusing when it comes to girls sometimes." I smiled at her gratefully, then stole a glance at Colby. The other girls did the same, so I glanced quickly away. "Um, I'm not sure. I don't know. Um, we're friends. We're just friends," I stammered out, feeling the unusual feeling of the blood rushing to my face again. "Are you sure about that? Because you're blushing so badly right now," Tara laughed out quietly. I nodded, letting the smile fall from my face. "Yes, I'm sure. There could never be anything like that between us. We're just too...different." "Oh honey, that doesn't matter. Do you think that Sam and I are totally alike? Not at all, but we embrace our differences. Part of what makes me love him so much is how different he is," Kat replied, with Tara nodding her head in agreement. I shook my head. "It's not like that for us. There's no getting past the differences. He's a really good guy though so whoever he ends up with will be, like, totally lucky." They seemed to realize that I didn't really want to talk about it, so they started up a conversation about other things, inviting me to join in. Since I didn't know much about anything they were talking about, it left me free to let my mind wander. For a moment, I thought how amazing it would be, to actually be alive, to actually be someone that Colby could maybe love. To be a part of this amazing group of friends. To laugh, and to love again, without fear of my life ending so shortly. It could happen to anyone. I was proof of that. But it wasn't something that you consciously thought about all of the time. Maybe a passing thought every now and again, but that was all. When a normal person thinks of death, they think of being old and gray, having lived their lives to the fullest. Not a young person, barely starting their life, having the chance stolen from them from some unseen force. "Anna, you with us?" I heard one of the girls ask. I jerked my eyes away from Colby, who I had unconsciously been staring at, at over to Tara. "Yeah, um, sorry. I was just thinking." She smirked and glanced to Colby, then back to me. "I could tell. Anyway, I was saying that I think I'm going to tell Jake that I want to have a sleepover with the girls, here at the traphouse. You down to come? We'd love to have you." I bit my lip, unsure of what to say. "Um, maybe. I don't really know. When are you going to do it?" She waved her hand like the when didn't matter.