Losing Love

6

Hope's POV:

It's him. The man who tormented my mind with loving memories, and guilt. Him, who left me all alone in a cold, cruel world.

"HOPE!" he yells out as he paces towards me, finally reaching me and embracing me in a tight, suffocating hug.

My body stays bolted to the ground, unable to lift my arms in order to hug him back. Unable to push him away from me, my mind not able to comprehend the situation. I stand frozen like a complete idiot, tears prickling my eyes. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. He left me, he could have told me he was okay but he never did. It's been three fucking years.

Am I happy? Am I mad? Am I hurt?

Honestly, it's a bit of all of them. I'm happy that he's okay and breathing, I'm mad that he left me and let me feel guilty, and I'm hurt because for whatever reason, he didn't feel that he could trust me enough to tell me.

"Why did you leave me?" I manage to force myself to ask quietly, so quietly that he probably shouldn't have been able to hear it. I lift my head to stare at him innocently, the tears pooling in my eyes and reflecting the minimum light surrounding us. Only to see him already staring down at me, still holding me close to his chest with his hands on my waist; The guilt that remains in his eyes is undeniable.

"I'm so so sorry... I don't know what to say I-"

"JUST FUCKING TELL ME" I scream in anger, finally gaining the respectable amount of brain cells to push him away from me and step back. Not being able to hold my tears back anymore, they begin to pour out like a raging storm, out for revenge.

His expression changes, he no longer carries the guilt but now holds an unreadable expression on his face. He seems to be taken back but quickly recovers and plasters on a soft expression.

"I didn't have a choice" he finally adds after what feels like minutes of silence to me. Ryder's face looks down to the ground, ashamed and disappointed in himself, unable to look me in my eye.

"Why" I question, the anger beginning to show. "It's a long story" he replies, the shittiest reply he could have possibly thought of. "I have time" I respond, crossing my arms over my chest and applying my body's weight on one leg and I kneel back. I know I don't have time, but I'm desperate to know what possible reason he could have had to let me suffer for three years.

I uncross my arms to check the time on my watch with remains on my left wrist; 7:15pm, before intertwining my arms once again. My eyes stay solid on Ryder who's eyes are glued to the ground, his arms resting by his side. The man looks like a fucking box.

We just stand there in silence with me staring at him and him still being unable to look me in the eye before he eventually realises that I'm not going to leave until he tells me and releases a long breath.

He slowly lifts his gaze up to my face and steps towards me, putting his hands around both my arms as he stares me in my eyes, "I joined a gang" he says quietly, yet sternly.

I continue to stare at him, though my eyes widen slightly at the new information. "Okay, and?" I reply bluntly, he looks taken back at my lack of response. Even though the news was shocking, what did this have to do with him leaving?

"I was young and stupid. Some... guy" he hesitates, " came up to me and gave me an offer that I simply couldn't refuse. I knew what I was getting into but I didn't care at that time, I was only 19." Ryder's desperate eyes shift to the empty area behind me, "A while later, I wanted to leave that life behind. But the same man who recruited me told me that the only way I could leave that life was in a coffin. I didn't believe him, even though I knew the types of things that they were capable of and that was one of my biggest mistakes. I ignored his warning and I left. The next day day I got a serious death threat, I knew too much. That's when I realised that he was right. I had two choices, either I could actually die or I could fake my death. The only thing holding me back from leaving was you and Kyle." He shifts back to my eyes, "So I tried to get you to hate me so it would hurt less when I left. I tried my best to make it seem like I was cheating on you. It honestly wasn't hard considering I had always been taking phone calls outside and leaving my house during late hours of the night. It was all going according to plan until the day I left. I wasn't planning on leaving that soon. We were supposed to have more time."

That's when I remember exactly what we were arguing about. I confronted him about cheating on me, he didn't even fight back or deny it which made me even more angry.

He takes a deep breath in and brushes his chestnut hair back with his right hand.

"While we were arguing that night, I saw a man creeping behind you. I knew that by me being there any longer it was putting you in danger, I also knew that he was after me and not you and I knew that you would call Nora to pick you up so you would be safe. So I got in my car and I drove away as fast as I could. I was heading home when I saw someone speeding towards me from the opposite direction so I reacted as fast as I could and I swerved away to make sure I didn't hit them. That's how I crashed into the guard rail. I was about to call an ambulance until I heard someone in the bushes, he was saying something like 'the job is done' in Italian, and 'the boy is no longer a problem.' I knew that he was talking about me and I realised that this was the perfect getaway. I didn't want them to hurt someone I loved, they almost brought you into this, I thought you wouldn't care, I thought you would hate me so I did what I thought was best and I waited until I was sure the man was gone, then I left."

My heart cracks at his words, the guilty expression he holds. How could I possibly be mad at him? Was joining a gang stupid? Yes, but what's done is done.

More tears spill out as I look at Ryder, my face doesn't show any emotions, the only thing that hints towards it are my tears. He pulls me into a hug and I breathe in deeply, his scent brings back memories I had hidden far far away, in the deepest parts of my mind. I hug him back tightly and feel as the empty hold in my hearts fills up again.

I look back at him, he now holds a single teardrop.

"Where were you?" I ask hesitantly. Did I want to know the answer?

"I was in New York. I couldn't go back to Rhode Island because I knew that I would instantly be recognised there." He hesitated for a bit before adding "I always wanted to see how you were, so whenever you came to New York I would follow you and watch from a distance. That's why I was at the nightclub that night."

I feel my eyes brighten as I remember the mystery man who saved me from at the nightclub. It was Ryder. I pull Ryder into another hug as I cry against his chest. "I missed you so fucking much" I hear him mumble.

"Are you going to leave again?" I ask him. I cringe at the sound of my croaky voice breaking. But when I look back up at him, I know the answer.

My face falls and he looks down at me with pity in complete silence. After moments, he leans down to my ear, "I'll always be close" he whispers softly before unwrapping his arms from my waist and giving me a lasting kiss on my forehead, he begins to walk away.

I stand there, once again bolted to the ground, unable to move and unable to stop the tears forcing their way out of my eyes. There's still so many things I needed to ask him, so many things I wanted to tell him about. I watch him walk away into the shadows until it's just me, alone in the back of a diner.

I wipe the wet tears off my face with the back of my hand and straighten my face, plastering on a cold, hard, and emotionless expression before realising that Nora would definitely be able to tell something is wrong and interrogating me. I result in smacking on a fake smile across my face. It'll seem more believable now.