𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐲 | ✓

30

For an entire week, Spencer and I avoided each other. It was... painful, to put it lightly, especially after spending an entire weekend together.

When I woke up on Monday morning, Spencer had already left. Although he had written a note, saying we have to stay away from each other, at least as much as possible, and never bring up our night ever again.

Even though it hurt, I must admit, he has a good point. We cannot stay in close contact if we don't want others to find out about our past. Nor can we be in the same room for five minutes and not end up hurting the other person.

It took me three days to pull myself together. That one night brought back memories I had buried deep inside me and tackling them again drained me far beyond comfort.

Though, I won't ever say I regret making Spencer stay that night. Even if it resulted in not seeing him for six days straight, I still won't change one second of it.

After finding out he quit teaching because of me, and didn't see anyone for two years, despite my efforts to ignore them, they flitted through my mind.

I'm not a good person, never have been for as long as I can remember. I'm pretty much a selfish, self-serving, sassy, pain-in-the-ass bitch.

But for the first time in the twenty-one years of my life, Spencer made me not want to be all those things- or at least not be towards him. I was convinced I was doing a pretty good job at it too, but clearly, I was just as destructive towards him as every other person in my life.

I truly loved him, as much as it was in my capacity, but apparently, it wasn't enough to shield him from my choices and it ended up ruining him.

Never did I imagine I'd become such a significant part of his life that my choices, or better said as betrayal and lies, would lead him to take such drastic decisions.

I wish instead of walking away, he would have stayed and explained how my actions have impacted him. Told me how it made him feel, and would have simply made me understand. Because I didn't comprehend the side effects of my decisions. I just assumed he'd be pissed, his trust broken. But that's about it, nothing beyond that.

Instead, he left me and walked off. Apparently, I wasn't worth the effort. I didn't deserve an explanation just for clarifying the matters.

I was desperate, I made selfish choices and ended up hurting him so he easily tossed me aside.

No explanations, no closure, no nothing.

If I wasn't so hopeless, I never would've done that. If I was certain there are other, more effective ways, of getting what I wanted, I never would have used him as a step in my ladder for climbing up and reaching my goal.

He knew how stuck I felt, he saw how lonely and desperate I was, but it didn't matter to him. In a blink of an eye, he cast me out of his life.

It didn't matter to him then, and now it doesn't matter to either of us. It's too late to even consider these things. The past has to stay in the past.

At my weakest moments, I did think about how things could've ended differently if either of us had acted in another way. If I had told him the truth early on... and maybe, just maybe, if Spencer would have let himself, for one second, overlook his bruised pride, we could have talked about our problem and maybe even solved it.

But I kept on lying. And once Spencer found out, he didn't even bother to try to listen to me or consider giving me another chance.

It doesn't matter now though. It's been five years.

I inhale sharply and lock away these thoughts as I smoothen my black dress and step away from my car. My driver shuts its door behind me as I survey William's mansion. Mom and Mason's cars are parked a few paces on my right and Spencer's car is on the left side.