The Girl With The Tattoo

25. the girl i used to love

Lexi

I see her dark hair as I walk down the hallway, her big brown eyes looking for me. My heart begins to race as I remember all of the amazing times that we had together and the way that I used to feel about her.

She notices me, her eyes widening

"Lexi!" She shouts, putting up her hand and ushering me over to her.

I begin to walk quicker, almost running now. And when I reach her, I immediately wrap my arms around her without hesitation.

"Hello, stranger!" I hear her say to me as my arms are wrapped tightly around her.

I let go "Jesus, what the fuck are you doing here?! I can't believe you're here right now, what the fuck!"

She giggles "What the fuck are you doing here?! You dancing or something?"

I smile, blushing slightly as I say this "Yeah, I'm dancing. I know what you're going to say but I'm trying something new."

"You mean you're actually trying to be a good dancer this year?" She says, knowing that I have a hard time committing to being good at something.

"Well I'm trying but it's fucking failing already." I tell her.

"Bullshit!" She shakes her head "You're good at it and you know it!"

I decide to brush it off because I know that she'd probably start rambling on about how I don't believe in myself and that I have no self-confidence. But I'm already very aware that I don't and it probably won't change.

So I decide to change the topic of the conversation, curious as to why she's here "You didn't actually tell me why you're here."

"My girlfriend's dancing." She admits to me, and my heart seems to ache as she says that.

"Oh, yeah! Ashlyn, right?" I ask her, seeming to remember her girlfriend's name as I've probably spent so many nights stalking her social medias.

"Yeah! My little blonde gal." She winks, and it kind of hurts that she's into another girl.

I think that she can see that I'm hurt by that as she immediately stops talking about it "Anyway, let's get going. These cigs are going to smoke themselves." She winks.

•••

Amber is my ex. She's not just my ex; she's the ex that changed my life. She's the only girl that's actually really understood me. But I unfortunately chose to end our relationship to be with Isabella and that was probably the biggest mistake of my life!

"Here." She says, passing over a cigarette for me to smoke.

"You didn't bring your own?" She asks as I inhale the smoke.

"No." I admit "Couldn't get any. The guy I get them from has "ran out" and I'm broke."

"Sucks to be you." She jokes.

"Fuck, yeah it does." I agree with her because she's right.

It does suck to be me. My whole life fucking sucks!

Amber knows everything about me, unlike most girls who I hide parts of my life from. I've always been so vulnerable with her and she knows even my deepest secrets. She knows about my terrible body image struggles and how I hate myself.

But I decide to tell her something that I'm proud of.

"I've been eating well." I admit "I haven't skipped a meal in like months now. I'm also doing okay, mentally I mean."

"Really?" A smile appears on her face "You're amazing!"

I smile back at her "Yeah and I haven't been losing my mind much either. I mean, sometimes I see shit that's not there but apart from that I'm okay."

"Well, that's an improvement." She tells me what I want to hear "You don't have to be completely okay, you can work on things."

"Yeah, I guess." I try to think positively because I know that's what she'd want me to do.

I then giggle to myself as I begin to remember something.

She notices "What? Did I do something funny?"

"No, I just remembered something that made me laugh, that's all." I tell her, trying to keep my cool because I don't know what's appropriate to talk about with her right now.

"What did you remember, Donovan?" She moves closer to me to hear the story.

"I was thinking about that time we fucked in your dad's car..." I admit to her, blushing as I think about all of the details.

She hits my arm, playfully "Fuck, you're so weird! Why are you thinking about that?!"

I laugh, blushing uncontrollably "I don't know."

"Tell me!" She clearly won't let it go, hitting my arm once more to bribe me into telling her.

"I was just thinking about the way you made me cum that day..." I admit to her, a smirk appearing on my face.

"Eww, you're so fucking gross!" She begins to laugh too, probably remembering all of the details like I am right now.

I know that she'd go back to that moment. I know that I would...

"What's going on with you?" She asks me "Are you sex deprived?"

"Maybe." I admit, not bothering to lie to her "But I have a girlfriend so I'm not that lame."

"You have a girlfriend yet you're sex deprived? Make that make sense, Lexi!" She's clearly enjoying trying to unscramble my messed-up life right now.

I begin to ramble, wanting to explain my situation to her. "Well she's not actually my girlfriend right now. And she's just different! She's not like you and me, she's not fucked up, she's actually got a brain in her head!"

I continue "I just don't want to fuck things up for her. She's also a virgin so I'm going slow. I mean, I went down on her but she didn't come so it didn't count."

"Jesus!" Amber's eyes widen as she hears what's going on with me right now "You've got patience, girl. But you must like her if you're going that slow."

"I do like her." I admit, not being able to hold back my smile as I think about Sophie and the way that she makes me feel.

I begin to think about earlier and how she was clearly so stressed yet I was making things worse for her. I'm just not good with other people's problems. But I was acting childish and I hope that she doesn't think that I'm not going to be there for her.

Shit, I should probably get back there so that I can hug her. I should hold her in my arms so that she feels safe– that's what a good girlfriend would do.

"But I kind of treated her like shit earlier." I tell her, feeling terrible about it "She was stressed and I only made it worse. I don't know, I'm just scared of hurting her."

And then she surprises me by saying "Hey, you're not going to hurt her! You may be a little fucked up but it doesn't make you a bad person!"

She forces me to look into her eyes as she turns my head with her hand "You should probably get back to her. Go and make things right with her, show her that you care about her. You don't need to be sitting out here smoking with me, you're better than that!"

I sigh, looking out at the street in front of me "I guess you're right."

"Go on then." She gives me permission to leave.

I immediately stand up before putting out my cigarette with my shoe. I look at her one last time, the girl that I used to love, as I realise that this isn't what I should be doing right now.

I need to move on.

"I'll see you later then?" I ask her, hoping that this won't be the last time that we talk.

"You'll always see me around." She winks, and I know that she'll always be there for me no matter what.