The Girl With The Tattoo

34. watching him leave

Lexi

I'd noticed that something didn't feel right as soon as I'd gotten home. Carl didn't even come out of his room for dinner and dad has been overly stressed. I told him that I won the scholarship and he congratulated me but he seemed to be worrying about something.

I feel my eyes closing as I lay in bed, clearly exhausted after the busy week I've just had. And although I love the feeling of Sophie laying beside me, it's actually quite nice to be alone for one night.

But suddenly, I jolt upright as I hear the sound of Carl's bedroom door banging loudly.

"No, get the fuck away from me!" I hear the sound of my brother's voice coming from the hallway.

"Where the hell are you gonna go, Carl?!" I also hear my dad's voice "You don't have anywhere to stay, you'll be on the streets!"

"You don't know what could happen to you out there!" Dad shouts.

I quickly rush to my door to see what's going on. And when I open it, I see my brother standing near the front of our house holding two big bags in his hands.

"What's going on?" I ask, making them aware of my presence.

"Just go back to your room, Alexa." Dad demands, a serious look on his face "This has nothing to do with you. Carl is just being stupid, aren't you?"

Carl scoffs, shaking his head "I'm not being stupid, I'm being fucking serious! I can't do this anymore!"

"Can't do what?" I ask, starting to panic because I know that Carl is serious about this.

"All of it!" Carl raises his voice "I can't fucking live here anymore! I can't fucking do this, Lexi!"

And then dad says "Oh, come on, Carl! Stop acting like this, you're scaring your sister!"

"Like you give a fuck!" Carl seems so mad right now "You scare her every day and you don't care! She hears what you do to me in there and you don't stop to think how terrified she must be! She's your daughter yet you've never been there for her! She lives in fear of you!"

I begin to breathe heavily, my hands shaking so much as tears now pour from my eyes. But I'm so scared because Carl has never told dad how we feel and he's never fought back. We've always sworn to keep our mouths shut, in fear of him punishing us for speaking up.

"Why would she be scared of me, Carl?" He asks him, clearly trying to make Carl seem like he's losing his mind "There's nothing going on. I love my kids!"

"You love me?!" Carl screams, stepping closer towards him "Then why the fuck have you raped me since I was ten years old?!"

I cry loudly as he says this to him. So much emotion pours out of me as I've concealed it for so long. He's finally admitted what's happening to him and I can't help but feel proud. He's always been in such denial and I always found it so frustrating.

"Carl, you don't know what you're talking about." Dad says "You're just emotional right now, you don't know what you're saying."

Carl is breathing heavily "No, I do know what I'm talking about!"

"You don't! You don't even know what the word rape means." Dad says.

Carl brings his hands up to his head, pacing back and forth.

"Carl, just stop this, please!" I cry out as I desperately want him to calm down.

"No, Lexi!" Carl shouts at me "I told you, I can't do this anymore!"

Carl manages to kick over a small table that we have at the front of our house and I scream as I watch him express his anger. I cover my ears to muffle the loud noises that I'm hearing as I'm so terrified right now.

I just want this to stop.

"Carl, you need to calm the fuck down!" Dad steps closer to my brother, his anger evident as I watch as his hand slowly turns into a fist at the side of his body.

"No, you need to just leave me alone!" Carl shouts back at him, now clutching onto both of his bags that he has with him "I'm serious, I'm leaving and I'm not coming back this time!"

"No, Carl!" I cry out, quickly moving closer to him as I try to convince him not to go "Please don't do this!"

"I'm sorry, Lexi." He apologies, not looking me in the eye as I can tell that this is hard for him to do.

I watch as his hand reaches for the lock on our door and he pulls it open, not even looking back one last time to say his goodbyes. He quickly rushes out of our house, the sky so dark outside that it makes me fear what could happen to him out there when he's alone. He's not strong, he could get hurt!

"Carl!" I scream, attempting to run out of there to stop him from leaving.

But I can't go anywhere as I feel my dad grabbing onto me, pulling me back.

"No! Let me go!" I scream, trying my best to free myself from him "Carl, please!"

"Just let him go." Dad says to me.

No matter how much I scream, there's no stopping Carl from leaving and I don't have the strength to fight my dad's hold on me. He has hold of me tightly, pulling me away from the door as he closes it.

"Get off of me! Get off of me!" I repeat, my voice hurting from my screams "Get the fuck off!"

Finally, he lets go of me, shouting "You need to shut up, Alexa! The neighbours will call the police if they hear you!"

"No! No! No!" I pull at my hair, collapsing to the ground.

And I hear dad's voice despite how much noise I'm making "Don't make me hit you! You won't like it when I punish you for this behaviour!"

"C-Carl." I whimper, my body now laying on the floor as I realise that I failed my brother and that I might never see him again.

And then I hear him say this to me "Look at you! You look just like your mother! Crying on the floor like a fucking child! Grow up, Alexa! That boy doesn't even care about you!"

His words make me feel sick. But I know that he's wrong because Carl has always cared about me. I still remember when I was younger and how he would brush my hair before school, doing his best to style it for me because he wanted me to make friends. He'd even carry me to bed after I'd passed out on the sofa watching Peppa Pig.

Despite how embarrassing it must've been for him, he'd gone all the way to the store to buy me some pads when I'd gotten my first period. He'd even read me the instructions, knowing that I struggle with my reading.

"Why?!" I cry out.

"Grow the hell up!" Dad demands, and I feel him step on my leg as he walks over my body.

And then I hear him say this to me "You have ten minutes to get yourself off of the floor before I move you myself. Don't make this hard!"

He leaves me alone on the floor in a puddle of my own tears. I don't know what I'm going to do now. Without my brother, I have no one to protect me and there's nothing stopping my dad from taking his anger out on me now...