Illusion | Taekook ✔️

27. Withdrawal

Park Jimin

The worst thing one can do is to ignite the hope of love in someone's heart and then leave them. I know loving another being is not easy then why is break someone's heart is so easy. They say God lives in the hearts of people, don't break their hearts, yet he broke mine. Maybe even God doesn't live in the hearts of people like me.

You tried to lie, I can see that you don't need me
All of your words, they have been cursed with dishonesty~

You know what's the most difficult part of rehabilitation, the withdrawal of the drug. When you have been addicted to a thing for long period of time that gives you higher form of euphoria that you forget who you are and where you belong. When it is withdrawn from your system, the reality hits you and you fall hard on ground.

Take it from the boy you claimed to love
You gonna get some bad karma~~~

That's what I am feeling now. Withdrawal of him from my system. My skin tingles when I think of his touches, I feel shivers in a warm room when his words echo in my mind. My heartbeat gets erratic when I think of all those words of assurance he said to me.

I convince myself everyday that this would be the last day I'll shed my tears for him and then I'll move on. The night approaches and my skin starts to itch again for his touches, my ears start ringing to hear his voice, my heart beat drops knowing that he isn't here anymore.

I'm the one who had to learn to build a heart made of armor
From the boy who made you soup and tied your shoes when you were hurting
You are not deserving, you are not deserving~~

How easy it was for him. Maybe he thought like my body, my heart is also a prostitute, used and thrown multiple times. But that's not what it is. My heart was used by him for the first time and he would be the last to play with it.

Can you follow me up to the water?
You can show me the sinking deeper
Let me know
'Cause I'm drowning for ya~~

How sick is this, I had made all plans making him the center of them. How I planned to leave this shitty life. How I dreamed of devoting my whole life to him. How I threaded dreams of linking my name to his. I scoffed looking at the page of my scribbled diary where I tried to practice signature of my new name, "Min Jimin."

I laughed loudly looking at pages on pages filled with the ink and scribbles. I remember that I did this while day dreaming of starting a life with him. I would ready to give it all, my freedom, my body, my heart to him. In return all I wanted was his name and love. I wanted become something from nothing. I wanted to be called his by the world.

I chuckled at my delusional plannings. Maybe he was right. I built a castle of my dreams on his hallow sweet nothing that he claim to be the requirement of moments he spent with me. Not given occasionally but almost every night from a year.

Since, that day I have isolated myself into my room. I didn't take on any appointments, I am a human being too right, I need time for healing too. Maybe other people see it different way but I have a heart too that developed insane thought of someone loving it.

I heard a knock on my door, I knew it was Ashley. She been looking after me without knowing the reason of my condition. She is kind enough to give me a break or may be I am top asset of Lust Lilies so I am getting a special treatment.

"Jimin bub, how are you?" she asked.

"Alive...."

"Jimin you know, besides your boss I am your friend too. In this company we are the ones who know each other from a long time."

"I know Ash.... I am just exhausted. I deserve holiday too.... Don't you think?" I smiled weekly.

"Bub.. I have no objection on your holidays but staying in your room from God know how many days isn't termed as holidays right? You turned down party held by Mingyu and your other colleagues too. Go to some trip or something. I'll pay for it. "

I chuckled at her suggestions,"I can afford a trip too Ashley. I just don't want one. I am tired."

"Did some client treated you badly or something. Tell me if that's the reason. I'd take action against them." she combed through my hair.

"No Ash... No one did anything. I am not in a good phase that's all."

"I wish to see you all cheery again Jimin. If you feel like it then get fresh and come to my office. So may proposals are waiting for you." she sighed tapping my shoulder and leaving the room afterwards.

When life brought me into the situation where, I couldn't have eaten properly in days. Ashley found me like an angel. She has been nothing but kind to me ever since. I didn't want to do this work but she asked what other choice do I have? So, I started living with it being happy and content.

How can I tell her the reason behind not anymore cheeriness? That a boy survived hunger happily but couldn't survive love? It broke him? Shattered into pieces. She has no obligation to pick my pieces everytime, when this time all the blame is on me.

An hour later, after straightening up myself I made my way to her office. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I sighed on forgetting my phone in my room. I waited for her for a bit. Then I started getting frustrated, until my eyes fell on the file from this weeks proposal.

This is standard practice. Whenever she gets mail for a certain person she attaches it into that person's file, so they can choose whom to confirm for upcoming bookings. Going through the files, I grabbed the one that has my name on it.

I opened it going through the proposals. All middle age men or teenage horny boys, until my eyes fell on a known name. Jeon Namjoon. That day when I bumped into him, I didn't know he was serious, given that he and I have a long gone history.

Seeing his three tries in total to book me, I was shock. I bit my lower lip thinking about it. A gruesome feeling rose in my gut but I pushed it back. I know my body was trying to guilt me. I needed to get over this feeling in order to move on.

I was still thinking whether I should tell Ashley or not and some caught my eye, familiar name tag on another file. I am not a person who put nose into someone else's business, but you see curiousity got the best of me and I picked it opening it.

As I went through some initial pages, my fingers stopped at some significant document, my world almost stopped as I looked at the signature under that document.

'Min Yoongi'

"So Seokjin isn't the only reason." a tear escaped from my eye seeing the information on that document, when I turned down his offer of living the life of an unknown affair for him, he chose someone else over me.

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It's getting exciting lol 😂😂😂💫

Love from my side 💜