Attraction To Affection

Chapter 21: Afraid to fall

Only because my friend requested.

NYSA

I ran away.

Did he jus-just confess to me?

Why?

I don't deserve him.

Why god?

Why him?

Why me?

I ran as fast as I could to the apartment. I couldn't stay there. It was suffocating. I need to be alone right now. I rushed inside my room and was going to lock it away when Any held the doorknob tightly. She glared.

"Any, just few hours. Let me be alone, pleasee?" I pleaded her while tears were continuously flowing down my eyes. I tried to close the door but there's no use.

"Nysa, it's better if you share than keep it all inside." She said in a straight voice which she never uses.

"I can't, anymore. I am tired." I said and I went to the side of bed and sat down. Any came behind and even V and Rai were there. They were tensed. They've never seen me like this, it was always Any but she too has just known things.

All of them came and hugged me and I cried hard. They don't deserve this, nobody deserve me. I am not worth their worry or anything in particular.

"Will you tell us what happened?" Rai asked with worry clear in her tone.

"We can't see our bubbly and cheerful friend like this, Nysa." V sighed.

"Give me a moment." Should I tell them? Will they understand or will they call me overdramatic too lile other people? I trust them but I trusted them too.

Any was continuously rubbing my back.

"Tell them, Nysa." Any said nodding at me.

"I've always been the girl who thinks that she is an introvert. I've always kept distance from people I don't know but friends aren't made like that, right? You need to interact with people to be friends with them and that's how most people became my friends. I had amazing school life till 9th grade just because I was naive and foolish and stupid and what not? I thought every expectation that is on me from people are natural and everyone has it. When I came in 9th grade, covid-19 was at its peak and the one thing it brought good to me was realisation of certain things. I got the chance to introspect myself. I got to know the things about me that I never knew. I wasn't stupid enough, I knew if people acted in a certain way, why they did, what made them do that. My friendships were like that. Its no serious or perpetual trauma but all the people I've met in my life have either considered me overdramatic or too rude, it was never anything else. My trust issues started when my friendship of 9 years broke up like nothing else and we all were a part of it but the blame came on me, why? I didn't intended it to break off, I won't blame anyone but it was all my friends that time, you remember Rai, don't you? I didn't expect how they without any remorse shifted their burden of regrets and blamed me for all the things they did. I still tried to overthrow that because how long can you take that on your shoulders, right? I blamed myself for the whole 10th standard where I should have enjoyed my last year with those friends who were there for me and were going the next year but I wasted it for those friends who didn't think twice before putting all the blame on me. I guess, I did deserve this, you can only last happy so long anyway.

You know I've been dreaming of doing what I am doing right now since 13 years old. 13 year old me did all the research on fashion designing and I still have that diary but as soon as the 10th results came and I got 98%, its like my dream was being snatched away from me. My mother told me that I was better off with something educational like isn't fashion designing educational? Doesn't my dream matter anymore? Doesn't what I want matter anymore? I agreed, I had to. It happens when you know your parents are not gonna support in your dream and we're no americans to live on our own that soon. I agreed, I cried but I agreed. I knew this was wrong but I agreed. That's the reason I had to chose commerce, it was good, it had my interest but fashion designing had my passion, it was my dream. I was over the friendship thing, I finally knew it wasn't my sole fault but in the back of my mind, I felt like I was good for nothing, I am not capable of good friendships. But then I got you guys. You know how instantly I got best friends with Any, it was so easy, it was like we instantly clicked because she had her things and I had mine. We were so opposite yet we were so much alike. We used to talk like 5 hours a day on just text. We knew that if something happens, we would be there for each other. I am really thankful for her because if not for her, I wouldn't have overcome my past problems but as I said, it only lasts too much. I started having many low days, you guys used to notice me in class low all day. There were multiple reasons for that, it was home, it was friends, it was my insecurities that made me act like that. Even the people I communicated for the first time called me dramatic and diplomatic like how? I don't even know you and yet you are calling me that. I showed I didn't care but suddenly the baggage was too much to carry. Continuous allegations that didn't settle with me and then I stopped caring. The best decision of my life was to stop caring about what others people say but what if your own parents do that? They are not others, you have to live with them 20 hours a day. I don't think I'll ever want to go back again to be really honest. I am so over everything that going back would just freshen up the fears and insecurities I have. I was constantly nagged about studies. 96/97 were never enough, if I got 98, they expected me to go for 99. Its not wrong to expect from your child but when it goes from 'try for 99' to 'you need to get 99, you can't let us down', its straight up road to anxiety. I was called selfish, mean and what not even at home. You get that feeling where you feel this tight knot and butterflies in your stomach not because a boy made your heart flutter but because you're so nervous and dull around and nothing feels like your own thing(?), idk but that is something which was there on my mind most of the time. My mind used to be so tangled and occupied with thoughts of not belonging there that I wasn't able to even do the main things and solve the main issues in life. Home is supposed to be a place where one feels the most belonged but I didn't belong there, I felt like it. I wanted to be out of there as soon as possible and that's the reason why I always said that I wish college comes soon because that was my only way of escape. I love my parents, I do but what they did, I don't think I'll ever do that to my child. So, when I can't even trust my parents of what comes next out of their mouths, what do I expect from him?

He's the person I feel the most belonged to. I didn't know home could be a person but he is, I don't have these thoughts in my mind when I am with him but he has just known me 4-5 months and he loves me already, he doesn't know my trust issues, he doesn't know my fears in relationships, he doesn't know about the unwanted baggage he'll get once he gets with me, he won't know the reason of my sudden low days, he won't know why I acted in a certain way, he tolerated 'I hate you' but I don't think he'll be able to tolerate the other things that will go with me to him. He's pure and so good to be mine. He doesn't deserve me and everything that comes with me." I broke down in tears again.

"Nysa, do you love him or not?" Rai asked while I could see a few tears left her eyes too.

"I do. I do love him so much but I can't do that to him or to myself. I won't be able to face another breakdown, I am only human and I can only take so much." I said while covering my face with my palms.

"Its fine, Nysa. We're here. If you don't want to, you don't have to get with him but will you let him decide all this, ha? Will you let him decide what he wants or not?" V said reconsidering my side.

"He won't want that, who would want that?" I asked her shouting

"If he has the same problems, would you not accept it?" V said slightly smiling.

"I would." I sniffed.

"Then you should give him an explanation and let him decide that." V said to me, more like stated to me.

"But-but what if I fall?" I asked. I can't do this to myself, I can't take another criticism, I can't have more insecurities, I can't have more fears.

"Oh, Nysa but what if you fly?" Any said chuckling. I stood up and started going out.

"Don't go now. I know where you want to go but don't. He needs to be alone right now." Any said to me. I nodded my head. I need to see him tomorrow early morning.

All of them started going out asking me to take care of myself and to call them if I want anything.

I sat on my the bed hugging my knees and started thinking about the time I spent with him.

The first time I saw him, I felt this sudden burst of butterflies in my stomach but I was quick enough to hide my flustered self.

The man with his black eyes, soft hair, lean body with a height which directly matches to my height, everything from his physique to his personality catched my eyes and yet I never considered it.

He was just a good friend until he confessed to me and now I feel like giving my whole heart to him.

I noticed his kindness, his care, his untold love in his actions and yet I never appreciated him.

He's the only one with whom I didn't need a filter on. I could speak anything without any fear of judgement and he would listen to me, I know it already and yet I was short in words whenever it came to expressing it.

I didn't know I love him until he told me himself. I didn't realise that he was the one until he considered me the one for him.

Him bringing me icecream knowing exactly when I need it, him taking care of me without a word, him teasing me everyday, him hugging me without any prior question, him doing everything and anything I expected from my future boyfriend and I didn't regard it until now.

I don't know whether he'll forgive me or not? I broke his heart, I made fun of his feelings, I didn't reciprocate even though I wanted to and I ran away like a coward.

I cried and cried at the prospect of him detaching himself from me.

I broke his heart and now I need to mend it myself.