A Spaceman

Chapter 9--Just the Juice

"I h—h-hate it here, I j—j---ust want to go home," the cadet and I are waiting in the IDMT for the doctor to see us. he is blubbering and I am massaging my head and squinting.

"Ah, me too kid," I say, patting his head. By now he's blubbering into my arm. I tried to stop that at first but now I'm simply not bothering. And as a result he's basically hugging me and sitting in my lap, but I care so little at this point it's remarkable.

"Y—y—ou do?" he mumbles, looking at me through red eyes.

"Yeah, well, home is space for me now, space and warships, I wish I were out there," I say, with a heavy sigh, "Everything's so much more confused down here."

"It's s—s---so weird. I'm not an incompetent person—"

"I kind of think you are---"

"I can do things and I do good at school but here I feel like such a f-f—failure," he says, sobbing heavily.

"Yeah, well, at least you aren't having waking dreams of your impending death," I mutter.

"What?" he asks.

"Never mind," I say. If I focus too long I can see it all hovering before me. the blackness into which I 'll eventually be drawn, my life's blood draining from my body.

"You're breathing okay to be bawling that hard, you still want to go?" I ask, leaning over to look at him a little. His neck's all red and bruised. That can't be good.

"Yes, I just want to go home," he says, nodding.

"You're not going home, half-wit," I say, "Not for something like this it wasn't your fault it was an accident. This isn't real Space Forces, it's totally different out in the stars. You'll like it fine, then."

"R—r-really?" he asks, sitting up and looking in my eyes, so very pathetically.

"Sure you will, everything is clearer out in the stars, and brighter. You can think and see and breath again and it's like---you've found your place in the universe," I say, softly.

"That sounds nice," he says.

"And nobody can say you aren't good enough or smart enough, because you're already there, out in the stars, the only one there so there's nobody else to measure up to because it's just you. you and space," I say.

"Really?" he asks.

"Really, nothing but you and the stars and space, space everywhere, for everything, including you," I say, "You'll be all right. You'll live. Not like me, you have a chance."

"Sir, why don't you have a chance?" he asks.

"I don't---I don't know, I just know, it's over for me. not yet, maybe, not just yet, but I've been so far, I've seen the other side, a part of the other side—and it's coming back to haunt me," I say, shaking my head, "I don't expect that to make sense."

"It's okay, I won't tell anyone," he says.

"Okay," I say, smiling a little. He means he won't tell anyone I'm crazy. That's okay, I guess. They don't need to know. "Our secret?"

"Uhuh," he says, nodding and wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"Who's next?" a doctor opens the door to his office, fiddling with a tablet and only looking up at us briefly through thick glasses.

"We are---come on," I say, helping the cadet to his feet.

"Both of you?" the doctor asks, looking confused.

"Yes---well I'm escorting him, I just need some pain killers," I say, walking past him into the office. I help the cadet sit on the examination table. he's a bit too short to reach it by himself and the fellow has the table awfully high.