A Spaceman

Chapter 40--Hell is empty

TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE AND ATTEMPTED MURDER HEAVILY DEPICTED

Now, you would think walking into the broom closet that you've been living out of for the past week would be uneventful. You're going to get your flight cap which it seems you forgot because you can't find it anywhere, and you're in a hurry because you want to see your mum before the ceremony because you need to talk about your sister's murder. So running back to the closet is an inconvenience at best. Boring, annoying maybe, but certainly not life threatening. That is what you would think.

You would be wrong.

I step in the door and hear the click of the trap that is positioned on the door jam. As the door swings open, a simple lever swings down, looping the noose around my neck. I step automatically forward, as though to run away from it, and my feet crack through the floor, which has been cut away and replaced with bare drywall, plunging me downward towards the lower level, suspended only by my neck in the noose.

My hands reach up, grabbing the rope above me and pulling me up, so that at least I can breathe. But I can't let go, I can't move. If I let go the noose around my neck will strangle me or crack my neck I'm not sure which but one of those things will happen. I look down at the floor beneath me, but it's fallen away. somebody took out the carpet tiles, sawed away the support beams, and now took away the tiles all together so that my feet, when they landed on the floor, went straight through the insulation and ceiling tiles, about to plunge me to my death.

My arms already ache from holding myself up from the knot of the noose, now lying oh so placidly around my neck. I twist in the knot and look around. Nothing. surely somebody will come? No, everyone's getting ready for the ceremony, they wouldn't be---

I hear footsteps, blessed footsteps, somebody is coming thank god just hold my legs up, call for help, unloop it from around my neck now anything---

The footsteps stop and there is a very distinct high pitched scream, and then the footsteps retreat.

"Come back!!" I cry but I don't know if don't make sound or the person doesn't hear me because they are already gone. Either way I'm still trapped. I breath. Just try to breath. Just breath it's okay you're hanging on just hang on. just hang on.

"Let go."

I close my eyes but open or closed I still see him standing there. The purple rope marks around his neck. His eyes a bit bulging from just hanging there for hours and hours while we waited for someone to come.

"Just let go," he says, "Release your hands. It'll all be over."

"No," I choke, my hold is slipping it's getting tighter around my neck but I cling to the rope with all my might.

"Just. Let go," Ian says, "It's so easy. So very easy. To let go. What you are doing is hard."

"No, no I don't want to. it's hard but that's okay. I don't want to let go," I whisper, my voice is breaking.

"Why? It's so very hard. Just let go, don't be afraid. let go and you can step right down and be with me," he says, pointing at the floor. It's whole now. whole and safe.

"No. It's not real. And you're not real. You're not you," I say, feeling tears well in my eyes, "I want to stay here."

"No you don't. you want to let go," he whispers, reaching out to touch my face with his cold hand. He moves his hand up to mine, gently pressing against my aching fingers, "Let go it's all safe down here. it'll all be all right."

"No. no I'm not coming with you you're not Ian. You're something else you're not him. Ian wouldn't want me to die, he didn't want to die he was just hurting too much. And it hurt to even leave me that's why he didn't tell me. but he didn't really want to leave. And neither do I."
"No, you're right, I'm not him, Quentin," he laughs, "I'm you. I'm in you and I'm stronger than you are. And you will give in. and then I'll stop and it'll all stop."