A Spaceman

Chapter 13--No we still haven't made it to the brig yet

I am almost asleep when my tablet goes off. I frown. Nobody should be writing me. Peter left already for his night duties. Thank god I don't have them tonight, I'm far too tired.

I look, it's a message from Quentin. He's asleep in his bunk, it seems the MTIs forgot to take him and Tyrell and Liesel the brig. Titus, of course, is already gone doing detention duties.

I open the message.

PLEASE KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN STOP LOVING YOU. YOU CANNOT KNOW THE DEPTHS OF MY LOVE, BUT I SHALL SEEK TO TELL YOU. TO HEAR YOU SPEAK IS PURE ECSTASY TO LOOK UPON YOU IS FAR GREATER A PLEASURE THAN TO WATCH THE RISING SUN. YOU ARE BEAUTY, YOU ARE ELEGANCE. YOU ARE MY MINNOCK. I ADORE YOU. YOU ARE A BELLIBONE, A GODDESS, THE ONE AND ONLY THING I'LL EVER DREAM OF. SAY YOU'LL BE MINE. EVEN IF YOU DON'T I STILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. PLEASE KISS ME.

**

"Looks like somebody's got a secret admirer," Kip says.

"Who?" I ask, turning from the video feed I've been watching. I was scrolling through, trying to figure out why they hadn't taken me for detention yet. It turns out Thorn and Wilde are up talking and it looks like drinking, they were supposed to be doing the collecting of me. Blast. Ebbel is going to do his rounds in a minute, and I'll have missed him, again. another night in the brig for nothing.

"Nicole Tom, that tall boy Leavitt likes it her seems," Kip says, rolling his chair a little so I can look.

"Oh, I wrote that," I say.

He turns and looks at me, "Okay I'm gonna regret asking this---why?"

"So she'll fall in love with him," I say.

"Why?" He asks.

"Because, I love her with all my heart and soul and he's a good man and I think she'd like him," I say.

"If you love her----why don't you write her your love notes?" he asks, obfuscated.

"Because-----because I'm not---right for her," I say. there's something wrong with me. like I tried to tell Hilda. There's something wrong with me. "I love her too much, I can't inflict myself upon her. I want better for her, better than me. I'm far too prolix too ungovernable too sesquipedalian too dispassionate too argute. She doesn't deserve a bindlestiff like me, I'm nobody, she deserves someone charming and beautiful—and normal."

"Okay, so I didn't understand half those words you used, but what I'm hearing is you don't think you're good enough for her," Kip says, slowly, eating a crisp.

"Yes, to put it epigrammatically," I say, nodding.

"I don't care how many bloody big words you use, you're an idiot," he says.

"What?" I ask, annoyed.

"If you love her, man, go after her! Woo her yourself, let her be the judge of who is good enough for her or no. if you credit her enough to love her, then you'll credit her with the taste to choose the man or woman she wants," he says.

"Works for me," I say, nodding.

"But you don't believe me," he says.

"No, but that's enough justification for me to pursue her love for the rest of my natural life, thank you, Kip," I say, extending my hand to shake his.

"If you didn't just look really creepy when you said that I'd feel better about this," Kip says.

**

So he does really love me. I don't want to be affected as strongly as I am, but I can't help it. his eyes burn into my soul even as I know that he's probably asleep by now and not even thinking of me. to be loved is something I am grossly unaccustomed to, but I feel I could get used to if given the time. it's lovely to think that in the middle of the night if you whisper a name or call out, somebody will be there. somebody will hug you if you start to cry. somebody is happy you're in the world. I've never had that before. I stroke the words on the tablet, memorizing them, reading them a hundred times, hundred and fifty probably.