A Spaceman

Chapter 30--What this world is about

I enjoy the killing. Now you think I'm horrible don't you? You're going on with morbid fascination, but you demonize me. Oh, you condemn me, but you're going to go. See what happens. Go on because you like the heroes of this piece. The Leavitts and the Toms and the Kips and the Harrises, you like all them, so that's why you say you go on. But that's not why. You go on because of me. because you---you're no better than me. you think you are, you believe you are. You say you don't have the evil in you that I do. but let me say this. Just this.

In defense of murderers.

How many times have you cried? Probably a good many. How many times has somebody bullied you, humiliated you, mocked you, violated you, shamed you, burned you, outed you, cursed you----you're in the tens, probably twenties. If you're lucky, a member or two of your family hasn't done all these things, hell, probably more than once. Let alone total strangers, the boy who knocked your new tablet out of your hands. The girl who broke your heart. the man who stole your girlfriend. The boy who stood you up. The boss who mocked you. the co worker who cheated you. the teacher who humiliated you. go on, you've got dozens more I know it. hopefully it only happened once, we won't go into the fathers who abandoned you the mothers who beat you, the parents who starved you, the siblings you stole from you---we can find dozens of those as well. you've probably got ten, twenty of these people lined up in your mind now. They're awful people, bullies, abusers, but hopefully you've moved on, you don't see those people again. the Ebbels of this world. Rude. Crass. Impossible to deal with. mocking. Making life a misery so long as you're in in it with them. They're rotten aren't they, you agree? Yes, I thought you might.

Well, let me tell you something. They go on. you don't see them again, but they're off, making life miserable for somebody else. bBut that's just a little bit of pain, you say, I'm not dead, they just hurt me, wounded me, I'm still here or we wouldn't be talking, eh? Yes, yes you're still here. 

And I'm still here.

And don't think that---I'm not defending myself in that I'm murdering the bully, the abuser. Oh, no, I'd never sink so low. I am, in this instance. But it would be just as sweet an act as if I were killing Leavitt, or Tsegi, or Peter, or any of them.

You see, there are many evil things in this world. Many, many evil people. Think about it, you've made somebody cry at some point, haven't you? Been crueler than you might have been? Come on, own up, a harsh word here or there. for a moment, we've all been the Ebbel. I know I have. Many times.

Maybe but that's not evil you say. that doesn't make you evil. No, no it doesn't. it makes you a bit of evil, though you're a part of it. you, for however brief a time, you were somebody's Ebbel. You were somebody's bully, their broken heart, their loneliness. You added evil to this world, you didn't subtract.

Nor do I. Oh, I must certainly add. I am evil as well. as I said, there are evil things in this world. I am one of them. I give that to you freely.

But, you see, in my evil, I am quick. I am neat. I am clean. Yes, I plan to torture him. Yes, I plan to take his life. And I will. I have taken life before. I stared into my sister's eyes as she died, she did not deserve that, I admit. I was evil. I destroyed her. but I am quick. I torture, I have my fun, then I end you. I send you on to the next adventure. The afterlife---hailed as so beautiful. Well, my victims get to find out. I don't make them live with wounds, nightmares, fears, hate, anxiety. 

No.

 I set them free. 

I do my deed, indulge my vice, and I let them go on, as they would have anyway, a bit sooner with my interference, I grant you, but I don't stop them. I don't give them wounds to carry, scars, mental or physical, loneliness, torture. My bit of torture, under an hour, we're done, you're free to go. I've had my fun. It's over. the same can't be said of bullies, abusers, the Ebbels of this universe, their scars, you'll be crying at therapists years later, sobbing into your pillow at night retelling stories when you're drunk and bored, about how this happened and that's why you're drunk, that's why you're a bore, that's why you're not anything, that's why you lurk in the shadows reading other's tales, analyzing you call it---judging us.

So in defense of murders: yes we are evil, we are evil, yes we destroy. 

But we are quick about it. we are honest about wanting to destroy something. 

We don't pretend to be something we are not. Our crime is not hidden under the guise of good intentions or authority or accident or---love.

 It's there, unashamedly, for all to see. Pure, unadulterated. Evil. So join me. you know, you're already here. So come on anyway. it doesn't make a difference when you look at it like that, does it?

So join me, let's go have some fun, we've evil to do together. go on for me. not for them. for me, because I tell you the truth. I give it all to you.

Let's go.