Where Your Loyalties Lie - {Severus Snape x Reader}

-56-

Feels like the time stopped after I let those words escaped from my lips. It's like everything around us has gone to a slow motion: the falling down snowflakes, the flames in torches, the way small strings of my hair moving along with the light wind that passes us by. Severus stands there, still having his back facing me. He hasn't said anything yet. Barely even moved after I confessed my feeling for him. I'm holding my breath. Nails are digging into the palm inside my fist. I'm so nervous. Yet, relieved I finally got the change to put it out there. Now... It's up to him. After - what felt like eternity, Severus moves his head a bit as a gesture he heard what I said:"I...". My heart starts raising again and my breath shudders. "...am flattered." he answer. And with that, he leaves. My mind goes blank. Everything turned into grey from that moment on. It's like he took all the colors around me with him.

After standing there for a while all alone. It hit me. The rejection. Immediately, tears raise onto my eyes and I gasp weakly:"Oh...". I can't believe this is happening right now. This must be a dream. A nightmare. But, why it feels so real? When it all starts to sink in how all of that really did happen, and where I am right now - I rushed out of there. I am an idiot. How could I ever thought..-?! But because he..-! All of these things keeps coming right at me. After running far enough, away from other people to see, I slowly fall down to sit on a stone staircase. My heart... It hurts. Gathering myself into a ball and just break down crying. It's like there has a thousand daggers being stabbed. Faintly, my cries echoes around the walls of Hogwarts.

When the morning came and I wake up from the bed, all I can do is just stare at the ceiling. Feeling so numb after everything that happened yesterday. Have been racking my brains all night from start to finish. Everything Severus and I have gone thru. Every single word, look, touch, laugh, smile, tear and it all... Meant nothing to him? The emptiness it leaves me feel... Got no words. How on earth am I going to face him ever again? For my luck, right after the Yule Ball the winter break started, so I don't need to see him yet another two weeks, since he went to back to his family home - in Spinner's End. Merlin, I am a mess. Sniffy has been sleeping on my stomach the whole this time I have been staring at the ceiling.

When I finally gathered some strength, got up, got dressed and went out with Sniffy. The Sun is so bright, specially when it reflects from the pure white snow. It annoys me. Normally it would bring smile on my face and I would admire the snowy view of the castle. How the big trees has gathered some snow on their branches. How the lake that surrounds Hogwarts is partly turn into ice. How peaceful it all looks. But not today. Feels like everything around me is just... Blah. Have I became one of the teenagers over one night? I know this isn't me. I'm just going thru a heartbreak. It'll pass. Right? Maybe one day I'll be able to laugh at this whole thing. Right? With that in mind, I kept walking in a snow with the niffler.

Later that week, I went up to Headmaster's Office since Dumbledore had send me an owl, asking me to pay him a visit. As soon as I enter the office, Headmaster turns around:"(Y/N). Right on time.". Walking deeper into the room:"Evening, sir. You wanted to see me?". "Why yes. Yes, indeed." he slowly starts to walk up to me. I stop in middle of the room and let him approach. "I have a favor to ask you." he starts. Both of my eyebrows raise:"Oh?". He walks past me and goes to one of the little tables in one corner:"Hope it won't be too much to ask for..-", "N-no, not at all! I'll be happy to help." I smile, ready to receive up coming request from the Greatest Wizard of all time. No matter how big or small it might be. "Good to hear, my dear. You see... I need you to get this bottle of wine to our Potions Master. As a Christmas gift, you see." he turns around and shows me the bottle. Fuck.

Immediately, the smile on my face drops. It's all in there for him to see that I am not a fan of the idea. He brings me the bottle and hands it to me, and I hold onto it:"Yes. Of course, sir.". As soon as my hands touches the bottle and I get a good hold of it, Dumbledore places his hands on top of mine with firm touch. Hm? My gaze goes from the wine to his blue eyes. He offers a knowing smile:"I know that face from anywhere.". Blinking my eyes couple times faster than normal to show my confusion:"Pardon?". "The face of lost. Sadness. A heartbreak." his voice oozes smoothness and care. That got me off guard, so I have no idea what to say to that:"...I..-", "You may not believe it, (Y/N), but I have gone thru that same emotional roller coaster in my past life." he looks so sincere as he speaks.

Nervous chuckle comes out of me:"Well... Whoever that person was, she had no idea what she lost..-", "He." he corrects with calm tone. "Oh..-" my thoughts trails off there for a second, until it hits me:"Oh!". Dumbledore smiles back gently, slightly amused for me to realize what hasn't been said. It just never crossed my mind - not that it would ever be my business who's his love interest is. "(Y/N)." Headmaster's soft calling brings me back from my thoughts. I look like a dear in the headlights:"Yes?!". Immediately realizing I was too loud and might've come across as a rude person to assume it was a woman he was talking about. "Sorry..." my voice goes small. "It's alright, child." he keeps the warm smile on his face. Love it how patient he is with me - or anyone that matter. Even I am this... Half-witted witch.

As Dumbledore keeps the eye contact, he takes now a bit more serious tone:"Those who are brave enough to express their true feelings and do as the heart tells, have the most less regrets.". Listening to him makes me feel like he really has been thru it all. The pain. The sadness. The regret. He then does a little, gentle push emotion which makes me bring the wine bottle close to my chest:"Take this, and wish Severus a Merry Christmas from me. And from you too, if you wish.". He gives a quick wink at the end. I am too stunned to speak, so I keep staring in the distance for a moment as Dumbledore walks past me, towards his desk. "Thank you, Dumbl..-" I turn around only to see he's not there anymore. "A..- Sir?" I try to call him. Nothing. It got dead silent. Had to do a little peek behind the nearest corners - even under the desk, just to make sure he was actually gone. After I came down to the conclusion the Headmaster really isn't here anymore, I left the office with the bottle in my hands.

The next day, it's the day of Christmas Eve and I got on a train early in the morning. Remus had asked me to join them for Christmas. Luckily, aunt-Ruby was ok with the idea she and William are going to spend the holidays without me. After all, last year I was planning on spending that time in Hogwarts, but she got convinced me to come over, so this doesn't come as surprise to her. But before I'll get to Remus and Tonks, I got the bottle of wine to deliver. Good thing they both live in same direction, so I don't need to travel too far. I should be at Remus's and Tonks's around 6.00 pm. If everything goes according to the plans. As the snowy view goes fast past by as the train moves, I look down to the wine bottle. There is a small card attached to it. I actually never read what it says, since it's just a small card that usually comes with the bottle. Out of curiosity, I open the small card to see what it says. It wishes Merry Christmas to... What?! Takes a minute to understand if I'm actually reading this right. But no matter how many times or in what light I look at it, it really says it. 'Half Blood Prince'.

Finally, I get to Cokeworth. To able to find Severus's house, I use the piece of paper he drew me last time I was here. Good thing I saved it, since it would be impossible for me to find the right house. Everything looks so different when it's winter. The memories from summer creeps in. To think that I was actually fighting up against Death Eaters here just few months ago... Quick shivers goes down my spine, but I push those away and try to focus on finding the house. Good thing I don't need to run into them anymore. After walking sometime, I come across the Spinner's End. My face brightens up when I see the right house other side of the alleyway. Yes! As I approach the house, I'm having this inner battle how should I act in front of him. After all, I did confess I like him and... Do I act like as if nothing happened? Or do should I try to explain myself? My thoughts are all over the place!! Before I even realize, I am standing right at the front door. Okay, (Y/N). Breath. You'll be fine. Just when I'm about to place a knock on the door, it opens. Oh..- The person who opened the door is a woman - a very beautiful woman with long, thick, curly dark hair who's dressed in all black. She looks me up and down with loose smirk:"Well, well...~ What do we have here?".