Love on Ice

Chapter 50 - James

We're up. These boys are playing like their life depends on it. Thank fuck because my mind is anywhere but here.

They know, they understand what I'm thinking, feeling.

I explained everything in the changing rooms once Liv left for the stands.

They hate me for not telling Liv, but they also understand.

Fuck.

Why am I worrying about how I'm feeling when I have the woman who I know has betrayed me and my girl, my Liv, under the same roof.

I sent Amy packing, told her to leave immediately.

Everything is going to be okay. Once this game is over, I'm going to explain everything to Liv and it will be okay. She'll understand.

The buzzer sounds, time out.

Re-group.

"Sam, pick up you slack. I know were winning but you've missed two shots tonight. We've got this in the bag boys but don't be fucking smug about it. Understood."

"Understood."

"Clear."

The boys start to make their way back to the ice.

Buzzer.

The boys are back. Always showing a rekindled energy after a time out.

Then I see Leo looking at me through his helmet. He's the other side of the rink but I can feel his nervousness.

I follow his gaze across my right shoulder, up, towards...fuck.

Amy.

She's here, in the stands, standing next to...

Liv.

I can see them sharing a few words with each other.

Liv is uneasy.

"Coach...Coach...COACH. JAMES!".

I sway round. "Yeah?" I answer.

"Next move, 14 yeah?" Jimmy asks, pointing to his clipboard.

"Yeah," I say, completely oblivious to what he's just said.

I keep my eyes forward, scared to turn back around. 

We run the play and score, the crowd erupts and the boys go mad.

I turn around. Noise. That's all I can hear.

Then I see Liv, leaning in listening as Amy says something to her.

The colour drops from her face. I stare at her hoping to get her attention. So, I can possess her with my eyes. Save her from the hurt. The betrayal.

She stands staring into oblivion, wherever she is right now, it's not in this arena.

Her mouth moves, words coming out. Amy turns to her and answers whatever it was Liv questioned her about.

Lord.

Please don't have been any questions. I'm the one she should be asking questions to, not her.

Her eyes move to mine.

She may be far from me, but I can see it. The tears threatening to burst like a dam. Her chest rising and falling at an unnatural pace. The colour drained like she's slowly losing blood.

Fuck.

I might as well have taken a knife to her heart.

No, that's exactly what I did.

Her eyes leave mine as I watch her push past the oblivious Amy and run down the steps.

I know she will never look me the same again.

I look back towards Amy, her face moulded into confusion as she stares back at me.

It feels like a lifetime before the look she's giving me is turning into a look of realisation.

She looks defeated. Not even upset, not even surprised.

She looks almost, guilty.

Guilty for what.

Me?

Liv?

Herself?

She grabs her purse and turns to leave. Fuck if I'm running after her.

Shit.

I'm not even running after Liv.

What am I doing?

Where is she?

It's late, dark, she can't be alone.

Not now.

She won't have her things.

She's hurt.

I haven't even noticed when I turn around the boys huddled together. The buzzer has been and gone, they're all staring at me. I can't speak.

Leo looks at me through his helmet "fuck James."

"I think she knows dude," Sam adds.

"No fucking shit," I reply to him.

I run my hands through my hair and let out a breath I'm pretty sure I've been holding since Leo first looked at me on the rink.

For once in my life I'm lost for words, for a plan.

What do I do?

"Shit," I mutter.

I glance at the boys huddled in front of me, watching my every movement. They're not judging me, the look in their eyes is sadness, like we've just lost the playoff. 

But I've just lost worse, far worse.

I've lost her.

"What do I do?".

The boys glance between themselves and back at me.

"Look mate, we've got this in the bag, you've lost Amy, and if you don't get your head out of the clouds right now then you're about to lose Liv as well," Leo states.

"Why are you even standing here still James?" Jimmy asks. "The one person who knows the truth is you and you're standing here like a lost puppy."

"Go and fucking get her dude. Stop wasting your time before you lose her forever man, she's not going to give you another chance after this," Connor adds.

The rest of the boy's mutter amongst themselves and nod.

"Go." Leo states. "We got this, go get your girl and bring her home."

Buzzer.

The boys give me a sad yet uplifting look as they disperse into the rink.

Jimmy nudges my side.

"Coach, I'm in no position to be rude to you as your assistant coach, but, as your mate James, I will say just this."

I look towards him, still feeling like a lost puppy.

"STOP FUCKING STANDING AROUND AND GO AND GET HER GOD DAMMIT."

Jesus I've never seen this man shout in his entire life, fuck he does have a voice, a nerve.

Shit.

What am I doing?

GO.

I run as fast as I can. 

I can hear the gasps and feel the confusion from the crowd as I make my way out of the game box and in amongst the crowd towards the exit Liv left from.

Fuck.

Where is she?