What is... "Home?" (Hetalia Fanfic, W.A. '13 Finalist)

Chapter 87~!

Matthew's POV~

I think my brain shut off when I heard the words "legitimately" and "husband and wife" in the same sentence.

Melina's POV~

I gaped. I stared. I opened and closed my mouth like a fish. I pointed at the ceiling, Kadi, back and forth between Matthew and I. I stared and gaped some more. Then, after maybe five minutes of incoherent babbling, I found my words.

"What?" I shrieked. "But we thought it wasn't binding, especially since we're from another time and all!"

"Why wouldn't it be? Your marriage certificate is still intact," Kadi said, showing us a photocopy of an old piece of parchment. It had the date, August 8th, 1750, and three signatures: mine, Matthew's, and Kadi's. I took it from her and stared at it.

"Holy f*** on a f*** sandwich," I said not that quietly.

"I'm so proud of you!" Kadi said appreciatively. "You swore!"

"It's nothing new," I said with a slight scowl. "And I was a sailor for a month or so there, don't forget."

Matthew took the paper and tried to read it without his glasses. "Mon dieu... Melina, we're married."

"Must you state it so bluntly? I think I'm gonna faint in a moment here," I said, only half-joking.

"Should we break it off?"

"I suppose you could do that, as long as you two haven't consummated your marriage yet," Kadi said helpfully.

"C-Consummate-!" Matthew stammered, blushing bright red and hiding his face behind his hands. I just stared in confusion.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what? Don't go jumping to conclusions just yet," Kadi said as she pushed us out of her room and down the hall. "You two discuss it in your room and come to an agreement, okay? Have fun with your presents, too. They were hard to find, although I'm sure France had no trouble."

Then we were at our dorm room door (what a sight for sore eyes!) and Kadi had opened it, pushing us inside before we could really register what changes had been made. I landed on my bed and Matthew landed on top of me, his knees on either side of my waist when he sat up a little and leaned over me. He and I both blushed before he got off of me quickly and sat next to me, looking around.

"U-Uhm, Melina? Look where we are..." he said nervously, and I sat up on my elbows to get a better look around.

Our two beds on either side of the room? Gone. Replaced with a king-sized bed scattered with pink and red rose petals.

"No points for subtlety," I commented in a deadpan, sitting up fully. "Yeesh, this is a lot. I'm... sitting on something..."

I reached under my butt and pulled out a slightly crushed white box with our names on it and a tag that said "From Kadi. Have fun~!"

"Great, let's see what we have here," I said, pulling off the lid and peering inside. A second later I shrieked and threw the box to the other side of the room, blushing madly.

"What, what was in it?" Matthew asked me quickly.

"Flavored... condoms!" I exclaimed. "Pardon my language, but what the fuck?"

"N-No, your language is completely justified," Matthew said, also blushing even darker than he already had been. "Aunt Kadi! Mon dieu..." He groaned and fell over on his side dramatically, covering his eyes. "This is so embarrassing..."

I snorted at his display and reached over him to grab the box on the pillows. "This one's from France..."

"Don't open that!" Matthew exclaimed, sitting bolt upright and putting his hand on the box. "You have no idea what could be in that! It might seriously scar you for life."

"Excellent point," I said, giving him the box. "So you can open it first!" He didn't protest, only sighed out of tiredness and pried the lid off. He blushed even darker (he's getting some impossible shades, should I be worried?) and closed it again, setting it on the bed.

"So, what was in it?" I asked interestedly, acting unabashed for the hell of it.

"You don't want to know, Melina. Trust me."

In answer I snatched the box and looked inside, finding articles of lingerie wrapped in cellophane wrappers. "Oh-kayy..." Then I read the label on a pair of lacy panties. "E-Edible? Where does France come up with this stuff?"

"I don't know, nor do I want to," Matthew stated firmly from behind his hands, and I agreed fully.

"Well, I feel disgusting. I'm taking a shower," I said, standing and going to the bathroom. "A long one... And if I find more weird innuendoes in there, I'm gonna freak."

~one freak-out session and two long showers later~

"I will never take indoor plumbing for granted again," I stated as I fell on the bed next to Canada, my hair still damp and stringy. "Or electricity. Or heat. Or music. Or here on solid ground, not hammocks on a rocking ship at sea."

"It does make you appreciate the nicer things in life," Canada agreed as he navigated the trackpad on his laptop. My iPod was charging on its charger by the wall, and I was excited for it to finish so I could go brag about all the blackmail I had on the other countries. Especially America, muwahahahahahahahaha~!

"Hey, you have glasses again," I said, poking them with a slim index finger.

"I had a spare pair on my nightstand," he explained. "I must say, it's nice to be with vision again."

"But you didn't have that much trouble seeing before without them," I said. "Do you really need them?"

"I do and I don't," he said. "I can go without them for extended periods of time, but it's really inconvenient and I don't like to."

"Oh, I see."

"Dudes, I heard you guys were back finally and whoa what happened to your room?" America shouted as he barged in without knocking first.

"Oh, hi, America," I said. "Kadi decided to redecorate a little while we were away."

"France probably had a hand in it, too," Canada added under his breath, and I smirked.

"Probably."

"But flower petals? What the hell? It's almost like you two got marr- oh my god what are those on your left ring fingers?" America pointed a shaky index at our hands.

"Wedding rings," I said bluntly, expecting myself to be rolling on the floor, laughing at his expression in three, two, one.

Ah, it never fails.

Omniscient POV~

"Kesesesese~ so, she thought she could pull one over on zhe Awesome Prussia?" Prussia monologued as he searched through the cupboards in the foreign room. "Zhink again, Melina. You can't just push Zhe Awesome Me through a toilet und into zhe ocean und get avay vith it."

He extracted a small black vial and held it up to the light so he could read the label more clearly. "Kesesesese~ zhis vill do nicely, I zhink. Kesesesesesese~!"

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Sorry for shortness. But it was funny and awesome so there ya go. X3 

Sorry if updates come slowly, I'm getting swamped with other life things and I can't get on the laptop very often. Especially since I have to learn how to drive now... *dies*

WUVS~!