Angel Of Dawn

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Levi 》

The couch wasn't at all that cozy yesterday. So I decided to go sleep into the guest bedroom. I mean, Furball decided first since she went there. I ran out of fucks to give so I just slept in the room because I was too exhausted -mentally, mostly- to get Furball and go to my bedroom.

Her sweet, intoxicating, strawberry and vanilla scent was igniting my lungs the whole night. I still smell it so clearly, it makes my heart ache more. It's been completely shattered and ripped apart when I heard her speak those damn words. The words that have been the cause of my internal hell. I didn't think something would cause me any heartache now, because ironically, I thought it's over -The capability to admire and love things, I mean. I don't have a damn heart now. It's a gaping hole that I doubt will be filled by any other person. I don't think I have the ability to love anymore. I can't imagine my life with any other person except her. And even her I can't have.

I'll have to get over it someday. But for now, i will will myself some mourning. Because that's about the only fucking thing I can do.

I don't want to be so pathetic when it's all my fault, yet here I am, wollowing in my own devastation. Its so painful. I miss her so much, it feels like I can't breathe. It's excruciating. I never thought the loss of someone would make me feel physically uneasy. Like someone's sitting on my chest, forbidding me any freedom or the simple right to have a normal intake of oxygen.

Losing her feels like I'm losing myself and my will to live.

I fell asleep last night with only her on my mind. The fact that the sheets have her smell all over it didn't help one bit. It made it much worse.

I actually had to force myself to bury my nose in Furball's fur to be able to overcome Blaire's smell with hers.

Blaire. God her name is beautiful. Everything is so fucking beautiful and perfect.

Even thinking of her damn name makes me feel like I'm gonna cry. It's too overpowering, but I suppress it anyway.

I thought humans weren't perfect. They always say that. And I believed it for the most part. Until I saw her. she's perfect in my eyes. I can't think of a single thing she's missing. I thought I had that, I thought I had her love. The kiss was the biggest sign. Her speeding heartbeat everytime she sees me. The way she flusters, I was so sure we had something. Then I ruined it and pushed her away. All I need is to apologize to her because I'm a fucking idiot. Because I simply can't stand the thought of not having her in my life. Friend or girlfriend. I just need her.

I really hope she understands why I'm like this. It'll completely destroy me even more if she hates me for what I am. Especially since I was forced into this.

I have no motivation what so ever, yet I force myself out of bed and I force myself to make a cup of coffee. Caffeine for vampires, especially old ones, is like an energetic spike in our veins. It adds incredible amount of energy in our forms. It's works about fifty times more intensely than with humans. I try to avoid it most days, but I could really use some energy right now.

I feel like my whole body is just a sack of bones and organs. I just want to sink into the couch until we fuse together and become one for eternity.

I stare at the cup of sugarless coffee with disgust, my hands are about to grab the mug, but I don't want to. I just want to go back to bed and sleep until I forget my existence and what I am. And most certainly, this.

'This' as in the person who's gonna be the death of me and most certainly won't leave my mind for the next three centuries. And a half. Three centuries and a half. That's If I was lucky enough to gather the strength to get her out of my head.