The Simplicity in a Need

Chapter 16

I don't say much after that. It took everything for me not to think about it. If I thought, I'd start to get anxious. They have definitely noticed my quietness and have been giving each other worried looks. I shake slightly.

"Do you not like me?" Matt asks in a quiet tone and I look at him in surprise. For a moment I just stare before I blink a few times and try to clear my throat.

"I- I do like you, you're all very nice," I respond but Matt's face falls. He looks down quickly giving me a sharp nod.

"Really?" Cedric says giving me a sad look before rolling his eyes and lighting up a blunt.

"I'm confused," Dean says in a gruff voice. I turn to look at him quickly and he squints his eyes, "you act like you like us, so why do you blatantly ignore us when we say we like you?"

My face goes up in flames and I look towards the ground anxiously, "it feels like joke."

"So you feel insecure?" Dean asks with a curious tone. I don't answer but he seems to come to his own conclusion and nods, "how about we get to know each other a little better."

Matt grabs the blunt from Cedric and sighs deeply looking away from all of us. He then glances at me and twitches silently before hitting it and passing it to Dean. Who is staring at me with his intense blue eyes that seem to be darkening in shades. I could only nod in response.

What was it like to have someone like you? Care for you? None of my past relationships have ever cared about me. At least not in the way I needed. I guess I am kind of high maintenance, that's why I vowed away from people. The only person who's hurting that way is me. I groan loudly and start scratching at me wrist in anxiety.

Cedric grabs my hand with a stern look and I gasp. He doesn't let go of my hand and instead interlocks our fingers before glancing at the fire. His hand clenches and I squeeze back. His eyes trail back down to our hands and he lets out a breathy sigh.

I look back up at Dean and he is still staring at me but with a softer look. I open my mouth to say something but words are escaping me. I did want to get to know them. I wanted that more than anything, but did I have a right? I start bouncing my leg with nerves and begin feeling sick.

"Stop thinking," Matt whispers causing me to strain my ears. That was a hard request to pull off. Dean passes me the blunt and I take it with a sigh. Stop thinking, huh? I breath in as much as I can before passing it to Cedric. I breath out slowly coughing slightly as I do. The smoke calms me and I pull out my cigarettes lighting up another one. I bring it to my lips and light it quickly before shoving it back into my pocket. Stop thinking.

"I- I want to," I run my fingers through my hair in an attempt to get myself together, "I would like that."

Dean smiles at me. One of his bright smiles that quickly disappears. I shake slightly and I stare at him. Matt tries to smile as well before grimacing and turning away again. Cedric just looks into the fire and squeezes me hand.

"Good," Dean says in his usual authoritative tone but I can't help but freeze as I hear an echo in the back of my mind.

Good boy, my little whore.

I shake away the disgusting voice in my head and groan. Dean is not that guy. He hasn't done anything to hurt me, "I- I'm a hacker, I li-like computers."

I attempt to ground myself. I throw out the first piece of information I can think of but it apparently makes all the difference. Matt is now grinning at me with no trace of his sad pout. Cedric now has his full attention on me and Dean is giving me his signature smirk. I shy away from the attention until Matt speaks.

"I'm 20, my sign is Leo, I hate broccoli, but I love it with cheese," he starts rambling facts about himself and I can't help but smile. He was cute, "I can't cook for the life of me, but I love food. I'm good at math and I want to go to space."

"Okay babe," Cedric says laughing, "calm down."

Matt blushes bright red but nods at him, "sorry."

"I was thinking things that were a little more personal," Dean says in a deep voice. He looks directly at me as he says this and I look down immediately, "I have intense anger issues, sometimes I can't control myself."

I immediately tense up at that. I definitely wasn't expecting him to share something like that. Anger issues? What would anger him enough to hit me? What would trigger him to get angry?

"You've definitely been abused before," Dean adds and I look up at him in surprise, "you reacted the same way as Matt and Cedric when I told them. Like you're preparing for a punch."

My eyes widen when I hear a small hint of pain in his voice. My body shivers and I close my eyes tightly. Dean has not hurt me. I'm okay. I need to remind myself that I'm okay. At least until he does hit me.

"I'm sorry," it comes out of my mouth like a whisper but he hears it. He stares at me before glancing at Cedric. Who is once again captured by the flicker of fire.

"Cub," Cedrics eyes snap back into focus and he looks at Dean sheepishly, "why don't you share something."

Cedrics eyes widen as they search Deans face and he slowly nods, "I'm a pyromaniac."

Matt looks at Cedric with complete and utter surprise. Which makes me wonder if it was something really personal to Cedric. When Dean also has a look of quick surprise I realize that must be it. Cedric seems to be waiting for to me to say something so I do.

"I've noticed," I respond and realize how bad that sounds. Like I didn't even care, "I meant, I noticed that you liked fire is what I'm trying to say."

He gives me that same bashful look before glancing down with a nod, "I've been working on it."

I smile at him as he fidgets the hand that's still clasped in mine. I hadn't seen Cedric ever really act shy. It was sweet. He coughs slightly and gestures at Matt with his other hand.

Matt is still looking at him with wide eyes as he does this but slowly composed himself to speak. He nods slowly as if to assure himself.

"Something personal?" He looks at Dean with a scared expression. Dean however just smiles at him. Matt looks back over to me with the same frightened look before taking a deep breath, "I'm certifiable crazy."

I just stare at him. What did that mean? Certifiable? Does that mean he was diagnosed? Those three words seemed to take a lot out of him because he slumps on the bench and sighs deeply.

I starts fumbling with pieces of his clothing nervously and I realize he's waiting for me to say something. Does he think I'm going to get upset at him?

"Alright," I say with a nod. I try to make it seem nonchalant as if it didn't really matter but I think I was a little to stiff with anxiety. He looks at me and licks his lips.

Matt glances down at my own lips before meeting my eyes, "can I- can I have a kiss?"