In Sign Language, I Hear You ( Transmigrated as Deaf and Muted )

Sign Thirty Eight

What the funny thing does the world or fate, or whatever you call it- do to you?

Funny?

Yes. It is. After what she has been through, somehow Irisha thought that fate is surely doing a funny thing in her life. Like, it is too much for her to bear. Hurt her heart to death. To the point that a humane thing like breathing feels like a nightmare.

She just gets out from the hell that was once locked her up. She learns from that, somehow able to look at the positive side, and now is crawling to thrive to live in this world... which she sees as a wonderful one.

She is grateful for being living.

She truly is.

Yet, does it mean that she could forget the pain entirely?

Despite how she is now recovering, she is still remembering every second of the painful thing the life once gave to her. Despite how she is now living in a truly different world- the day her heart was once broken, is still vividly embraced as if it happened a second ago.  to then choose the same path as she was once living before- despite how her mindset has changed now, is still terrifying. 

as if,

' I know what will happen if I go to that path.'

She knows what will happen if she decides to live beside him.

They both are opposite people. She knows after living quite a long time in this empire with its culture, - to be the ' crowned princess' is burdening. Not to forget that it might be much more difficult for her to be one when she is just an orphanage from an isolated village- where she is only a commoner.

This world is hierarchal and patriarchal after all.

and... she feels so bad, for herself, to be so much in pain while repeatedly thinking.

' What if I was born as someone else other than commoner?'

the disgraceful feeling she felt while thinking about that, keep the tears falling. Yet, what else can she do?

'... I am falling in love with him.' entirely with her whole heart.

' What if I am not waiting and blatantly asked you to be mine?'

' What if I am not stuck in the circle I, myself created and approached you first.'

' Will us, still be the same?'

' Will you accept me to be yours?'

but then, the busy mind of her that somehow exhaust her more- stopped all the things as she slowly lost all emotion but numbness.

'... but, he does not have the same feeling as mine.'

so what's the point to think about all of this? as the result is already there.

and she smiles, faintly. More likely because she is too tired from all the things that happened, '... I don't know anymore.'

' I am afraid to dig more.' because, for her, he gives her his world filled with warmth that she feels comfortable with. The warmth she seeks, someplace that she could say it as a home.

Yet, maybe...

'... I am the one who misunderstands all of it.'

' I am tired.'

and  if it keeps to work this way, she probably will not be able to stand longer because the place she can return to is already gone. Then she wipes her tears and walks heavily back to her work. She stops her trembling body while somehow slowly changing the smile on her face.