It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

41.

Mrs. Shepherd held Meredith in her arms for several moments, her tears falling like a torrent of rain, soaking everything in its path. Her tears soaked through Mrs. Shepherd's nightshirt as she let sob after sob control her. Mrs. Shepherd rubbed her back gently trying to make sense of what had happened between the two of them. Only hearing the end of the conversation, she was left to assume that Meredith hadn't had much of a chance to get a word in about anything. She held her firmly in her arms as she reached her hands up and pulled the woman from her embrace, looking into her broken eyes as she shook her head.

"Meredith..." Mrs. Shepherd whispered. "Meredith...you should not let him talk to you like that..." She said softly.

"He's right..." She shook her head as she looked to the ground. "He's right... I... I am taking out my frustration and fears on him... I am... keeping things from him... He's right... I'm wrong... he's right..."

"He is wrong for talking to you like that, Meredith." She shook her head. "You need to stand up for yourself... He was just mean... and it was absolutely uncalled for." She shook her head, watching as Meredith's tears slowly stopped, listening to the strength in Mrs. Shepherd's voice made her feel more confident.

"But I did..."

"Meredith..." She said softly. "You're in this relationship together... and... he didn't rip that ring off your finger... and he didn't kick you out in the cold. He's giving you an opportunity to go up there and defend yourself... to prove to him that you both have your faults... that this relationship isn't just about you... or him... it's about both of you... it should always be... about both of you." She shook her head. "Because... It's not just the two of you anymore." She nodded down toward Meredith's belly.

Meredith sniffled as she looked into Mrs. Shepherd's eyes, and she could see the resolve slowly building there after Derek had so haphazardly torn it down. "This is the worst Christmas ever..." She mumbled as she tilted her head, her lower lip sticking out as she sighed. "And that's a lot coming from me." She whimpered.

Mrs. Shepherd looked to the clock, finding it only quarter past eleven, and she smiled. "Christmas doesn't officially start for another forty five minutes, Meredith... there is still time." She said softly as she reached her arms out and pulled her into a hug, feeling the girl squeeze her tightly as her tears dried against her nightshirt.

"Thank you, Mom." Meredith whispered, a warm feeling spreading through her body as she took a deep breath and broke from the hug. "I'm going to..." She whispered, nodding towards the stairs, watching as Mrs. Shepherd nodded her head.

"Good luck, sweetheart." She whispered, watching Meredith walk slowly up the stairs.

🎄🎄🎄

Meredith took one step at a time, very slowly, obviously not looking forward to the inevitable as she listened to each step squeak and squeal below her weight. She took a deep breath as she reached the top step. She looked down the hallway at the doors to the various bedrooms, the light under Derek's door was off and she closed her eyes tightly before she took another step down the hallway. She took three steps while holding her breath, releasing the breath slowly as she continued to walk, stopping in front of his door. She opened the door, watching the light shine in from the hallway and saw his feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He wasn't moving, and she didn't care if he did. She closed the door, and each step she made, she became stronger, more sure of what she was going to say to him.

He didn't move.

"Derek." She said, her voice was soft, a whimper, but in the dark she knew that he couldn't see her face, so she cleared her throat and put a brave face on. "Derek...I... have absolutely no idea what you were thinking downstairs when you said all of those things... and I don't... know if you meant any of it... or... if you didn't... but... I... you... You're right... Derek... You're right... on some counts... and I'll give you that much..." She closed her eyes and steadied herself as she felt her stomach clench. "I know... that you feel that I'm taking advantage of you... of your kindness, of your love... and you think that I've been pushing you away... and... you're right... that I've been pushing you away... and you're right that... I ... look at you and see someone that could cause me pain... someone who loves their job so much that it can come in the way of other things that could matter... used to matter, should still matter...But... You're wrong when you say that I want you to do what I want you to do, Derek... I'm not testing your love for me... I'm not... seeing if you'll do whatever I want... I'm hoping... that you'll go... that you'll do what you want... what you think is right for you... because I am not going to hold you back... I'm not going to be the one that tells you to stay here for me... and I'm not going to make you drag me across the country only to find out that I'm not what you wanted... I'm not who you think I am... and that I'm not all that you think I can be... I'm afraid... of disappointing you." She coughed.

"And you're wrong to think that my apology was anything but sincere, Derek... You were there when I needed you... You're always there when I need you... and I'm not... used to it yet... I'm used to doing things for myself... I'm used to... fending for myself... and when I fell from the car... when I was crawling across the goddamned frozen ground, all I could think about was how I could have died without telling you that I love you... without telling you that I needed you... that I love it when you hold me... when you touch me... when you talk to me... I love that you want me to come with you to Seattle, Derek... and I love you enough to go... but... I will not... hold you back from your dreams, Derek... I will not... be the one to drag you down."

"Derek..." She cleared her throat. "There's something I need to tell you." She said softly. "There's something that I need to tell you... and I will explain everything to you... and I will tell you the honest truth... but not like this... not without you looking at me. I'm going downstairs... and if... you care to hear my side of the story, you'll meet me down there face to face. If you don't care to hear my side of the story... then I'll leave in the morning." She said softly. With all of the strength that she could muster, she turned to the door walked across the room and opened it slowly. She looked back to find that he hadn't moved an inch, his feet still in the same place they had been when she walked into the room. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I love you, Derek." She whispered as she stepped from the room and into the hallway, closing the door behind her.