It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

43.

Derek sat with his hand on her belly for the longest time, his eyes reflecting nothing but a deep, undying love for her as her eyes reflected his. He didn't want to speak, he didn't want to ruin the moment, those seconds, those words that were unsaid, but were screaming so loudly in his ears. He needed her to say it, to speak the words that he needed to hear, and suddenly, panic began to rise in his stomach and she could see it in his eyes.

She moved his hand softly, rolling to her side, she reached up and grasped his sweater with her left hand. She tugged lightly as she watched his breathing become shallower. He rolled slowly onto his hip, following her hand as she tugged him across her. He knelt with one leg on each side of her, straddling her body as he hovered over her, her hand still firmly attached to his sweater as his arms supported himself on either side of her, her hand pulling his face to hers as their eyes met in a passionate battle as they stared intensely into their souls.

She swallowed hard, her lips grazing his as she spoke, not in a kiss, but in such a way that she could speak into his soul, their eyes still battling for control. "You... were mean." She whispered.

"I was mean." He whimpered, tears coming to his eyes.

"You said... that I was selfish." She whispered.

"I said that you were selfish." He repeated, shaking his head softly as he felt his tears overflowing, dropping onto her delicate skin, cascading with her own, mixing and combining to form a larger tear, much like their love combined to form a larger love.

"You want the truth, don't you?" She whispered. "You want these lips... and these eyes to tell you the truth."

"Yes." He whispered. "That's all that I ever wanted, Meredith." He replied. "I'm..."

"Shh..." She whispered, her fingertips touching his lips softly as she searched his eyes. "Listen..." She whispered. "I... have known for weeks... about the internship choices... and my acceptance in those programs. I have known for weeks, that I have had to make a decision based on that. I waited... and I waited... and you had stated your case... and I was afraid... Derek. I was afraid of leaving what I know... and what I love about my home. You... want to go to Seattle... you know that it is a good opportunity for you, and you know that it would be a good opportunity for me... and I was afraid... and I'm still afraid... and... I avoided... like I usually do..." She whispered. "But it wasn't because I didn't love you...and it wasn't because I thought that you needed to give something up for me... I was ready to go, Derek... and I was prepared to tell you that I could go with you... that I would accept the internship... Hell, I had a letter written out to them and everything... and that was going to be my decision..." She said, watching as he listened intently. His eyes were still filled with love, his attention was completely on her.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to concentrate with him being so close to her, her body just aching to pull him to her, the inches between them were slowly becoming too much for her to bear.

"I... found out almost three weeks ago... Derek... officially... on the day that I was going to send that letter to Seattle... that was the day that I found out... and I tore the letter up... and I cried... and cried...no one wants a pregnant intern..." She whispered.

"Meri..." He whispered, shaking his head.

"I ran through the different scenarios... you know? I mean... I have one semester left... that's three months... I'll have the summer...The baby would be born at the beginning of August...and my internship starts in September...sounded like it fit in perfectly... for about ten seconds... and then I remembered Seattle... and how you wanted me to be there with you... and how you had dreams for you, and for me... and that having a child would just be too much pressure, Derek... It would be too much pressure for a surgeon, an attending... especially if I worked there too... I mean... we don't have any family out there... and we're not married... it wouldn't look good if I were your intern... the mother of your child... and the more I thought of it, the more I felt that I needed to let you go, to do this on my own... I don't want to... hold you back." She rambled as she broke eye contact, staring at his chin instead of his eyes as she worked her thoughts out loud.