The Eight Of Us? (Sidemen Fanfic)

47

Riley's POV

I wake up still sat in Josh's lap. The boys are all talking. I feel weak and drained, so I decide to just relax and listen to their voices.

"So we are all thinking that the nasogastric is the best option for starters," Ethan clarifies. The room is silent so I assume that everyone nodded.

"Who is going to stay with her tonight?" JJ asks. The room goes silent again for a while.

"JJ should for sure stay. She is the closest and most comfortable with him," Vikk suggests.

"I think Harry should also stay. She seemed pretty attached to him while on the medication. Who knows how long she is going to be affected, or if they are going to give her more of it," Josh states his opinion. I can feel the vibrations of his words in his chest.

A series of knocks suddenly sound on the door and makes me jump slightly. Josh chuckles as I open my eyes. He presses a kiss to my temple. The door opens and Dr. Elis enters. Buddy takes interest at the new person and sits up on the bed.

"How are you feeling, Riley?" The doctor questions.

"Better. My chest isn't hurting anymore. I feel really weak and drained, though," I elaborate for him.

"That's good. The weakness is probably because your body is recovering from the chest pain and the stress that the situation has caused. It could also be a part of you being at your lowest recorded weight," the doctor explains. "Are you ready to discuss the weight control options?" He queries.

"Yeah, I know what my options are. I have had a nasogastric before when I was younger and they briefly discussed the feeding tube," I say as I keep my eyes down.

"I have already discussed it with the boys, so I'm going to give you guys about half an hour to discuss among yourselves. Are there any questions before I leave you all to it?" Dr. Elis clarifies.

"Yes. I know that the feeding tube is pretty much permanent. Will it affect my ability to get pregnant in the future?" I ask nervously. The room falls silent.

I have never really talked about me having kids before around anyone. I've known that I have always wanted children, but ever since the incident, I haven't talked about it because it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. I'm comfortable with my boys now, so I feel better about talking about it around them.

"It's not impossible nor compromising to pregnancies. It will change how some things are approached and there will be challenges, but it is still a possibility," Dr. Elis reassures me. Josh takes ahold of my hand as he sensed my nerves. I release a breath of relief. If I have to go to that option, I will still be able to be pregnant which is a huge relief. "With that, I will leave you guys to talk," he excuses himself.

"What are your guys' opinions?" I ask quietly as I play with Josh's fingers.

"We have all agreed that we think the nasogastric would be better to start off with. If you need it, then we think the feeding tube would be a good next step," Josh starts.

"Plus the nasogastric doesn't need an operation to be put in place," Ethan points out. I nod along with both of their points.

"I agree," I state after a moment of silence. Breaths of relief leave some of the boys.

"Well that was a quick discussion," JJ chuckles as he glances at the clock. A comfortable silence fills the room.

"Have you guys talked about kids before?" I question cautiously. They all look between each other as if deciding who should speak.

"Go on, Daddy," Harry speaks up with a smug smile. The others chuckle softly. I lean back against Josh and look up at him.

"We have talked about it before. We all want to be fathers. Not everyone necessarily wants to be the biological father, but we all want to be parents. We originally talked about adopting and surrogates because it never crossed our minds that we could have a girlfriend as well," Josh retells.

"How many do you all want to have?" I want to know how far they have thought into this. It makes me happy to hear them talk about a future family and just the future in general.

"Three or four probably," Simon speaks up.

"How many boys and girls?" I can imagine them with all girls. At the same time, I can see them with a mix, or even all boys.

"If we have three, it would be ideal to have two girls and a boy. If we have four, two boys and two girls would be perfect," Tobi pipes up. I notice the smiles on all of their faces at the thought of a future.

"What about you, Riley?" Ethan asks.

"I know that I want to have kids, but I've never really had anyone to discuss it with. With the incident, it kind of put a hold on all of those thoughts and relationships," I say as I wipe my eyes at the mentioning of the incident. I sit forward as my head hangs down in my hands. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to relive it. I don't want to have an episode.

*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and self doubt* (through end of chapter)

I hear talking, but I can't make it out. Something soft brushes my arm. I let my hand drop to the soft object. Textures are a helpful grounding tool for me.

My mind starts flooding with the memories: the fear of the four bigger boys; the disgust I felt from their touches; the pain of them forcing themselves in me; the pain from the punches, hits, and insults; the burning sting of the knife piercing through the skin of my thighs and being drawn all the way up; the emotional pain I was left with once they left. I had to lay in the darkness of the closet for what felt like an eternity. I had to sit there and dwell upon the thoughts that circled my head: I did something to deserve this; I am all alone in this; I don't matter; I am nothing more than something that can be thrown around and used; I should end myself and my suffering.

"No," I tell myself. My eyes are screwed shut as I battle with my mind. I hear voices, but I don't know what they are saying.

You aren't worth this. They are only taking pity on you. They don't really care.

"Stop," my hands go to cover my ears. Tears are falling from my eyes.

You can't be a mother. You are meant to be used. That is what they are doing. They are using you.

"No, they would never," I struggle as my crying increases.

They don't love you. Just end it. It will be easier.

"No. I can't. I love them," I'm sobbing by now. Hands are prying my hands from my ears. A pair hands cup my cheeks.

"Riley, listen to me. It's okay. You're okay. Deep breaths. In and out," Simon says. I look up into his eyes. His hands are holding my face as he sits in front of me. His eyes are swirling with concern while also trying to be calm.

Another one. Hope you enjoyed. Until next time, Ilya, bye!!!