What you know (Hamilton cast)

Sixty-one

J: its okay, im sure you'll be able to talk soon.

K: I hope. Thanks Jackson, i'll see you some time next week

I put my phone down and pull my knees back to my chest.

"You want anything to eat?" Carleigh asks. I shake my head, watching the tiny tv screen. She rubs my back and let's me rest my head on her shoulder. "I really think that you should have something." I shake my head again but she helps me up to my feet and leads me into the green room where Lin and Anthony sit. They stop talking when we walk in a greet us. I grab a pear, paper plate, and plastic knife, sitting in one if the chairs. Carleigh just eats hers but I cut mine up neatly. And then again. And again. I continue to make an army of pear pieces as the three people around me eat normally and talk.

"You can't make those any smaller." Anthony says as Lin takes my plastic knife away. I just wasted a pear. Great. I just keep wasting things. My phone buzzes and I pick it up off of the table immediately. It's Jessica. I hit decline because I can't speak, and set it down.

I sit back, pulling my knees back up and spacing out again, listening to words and eventually drifting off, resting my head on my knees again.
-
"Kelsey." Someone whispers. My eyes open start open immediately. You would never meet such a light sleeper in your life. I've trained myself to sleep with many sounds of the city but my nights are aways restless. I wake up over and over again. The only time I struggle a little more is bad nightmares.

I remember their quiet voices that I could still hear after I fell into a stage where I was conscious but yet felt asleep and my body was before my mind went to sleep. I also remember Carleigh waking me so that I would lay down to be comfortable.

"It's morning." I'm also reminded that I can't speak. Good thing we finished the show last night and I don't have to be there as often. I made and taught the choreography and before I got that call, I was so relieved, even though it hasn't been the first show yet. The call. Right. I turn my head into the pillow, not wanting to see the day.

I'm a Christian and I believe in heaven and I know in my religion that if you get to heaven, it's supposed to be nice there's not suffering but sometimes I find myself wishing that death were endless sleep. Maybe I'm wrong about my religion and maybe it is. No one really knows until they die.

I feel someone hug me from above and lift me up to that my legs are wrapped around him. Oak.

"Come on. Let's feed you." I try to get down and he finally lets me after we make it halfway down the hall. I go to the room with the table and food and crap and sit down between Pippa and Carleigh who are eating fruit and a donut. I don't feel much like eating but I know how many people are looking.

"Hey, where'd you go yesterday?" Pippa asks. I shrug, putting some fruit on my plate.

"So how many times do you guys think that when we thought Kelsey was tired the first few months, she was just hungover?" Neil teases. Nothing Neil says to me is insensitive. I don't know why. It's just not. A few people laugh but Lin looks at me seriously.

"Oh my god, you were."

"No. I was just tired." I try to lie. But nothing comes out of my mouth. So I shake my head because I can't say that.

"Not always. There was a difference." Jazzy says. "Some days her eyes were bloodshot and she carried aspirin with her. That's when she was hungover." Why do they have to talk about me. They finally start talking about other games they played and I just listen as usual. I don't even try to talk. It feels hopeless. My phone buzzes.

Jessica: i'm teaching your class today, okay? Jackson texted me. I know you can't speak. Coffee tomorrow?

Kelsey: thanks you're saving my life rn!!!!And yeah, sounds great

I put my phone back down and slowly eat a strawberry. I mean like it takes me ten minutes to cut and eat a strawberry. Carleigh is looking at me like I belong in an asylum. I really do. I eventually just get up and leave the room. None of the conversations are interesting or make sense to me even when I try to dissect them when I listen because I wasn't there. I go to the stage and just look out from it for a little while. I study everything that I see. My words may be trapped in me but my thoughts don't have to be. They can be about how amazing this business can be, even if it truly sucks in so many ways.

At the end of the day, all we want is to out on a costume and sing for people. Or an amazing community where you make friends you never lose. Or both.

I sit down on the stage, leaning against the stairs and wait for time to pass.