What you know (Hamilton cast)

Eighty-nine

"Oh." Amber says when she answers her door. I look at my feet. "Why are you here?"

"I'll stop reading. If I can be your friend."

"You don't have to stop reading for me, Kels."

"And Sam, Candace, Ari, and Justice and anyone." I just started getting to know people and then I hid in a book.

"You won't stop reading. But you're gonna be honest about your problems?"

"Not from before I came to Chicago."

"I don't expect that. But how do I know you'll be honest now?"

"Ask me anything."

"Why do you look so- bad."

"Thanks."

"No. You just look, unwell."

"Rough night." She steps back and closes the door. Great. I'm actually an idiot. I just want my friends back and I can't tell them the first thing about me or my life. I expect people to tell me things in return for me telling them about roads and books. I got mad about that with Carleigh. But she did tell me stuff. I just hated telling her stuff. I'm glad I did, but I'm not so sure of being able to now. I have to tell her what happened last night.

The door opens again.

"What?"

"Truth. I was gonna have sex with him and then I freaked out and realized that I don't think I ever can again unless I have a shit ton of alcohol and then I can't even remember it." I say, quickly.

"Was that so hard to say?"

"Yes. And now you don't have anything to say back."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have sex with someone that you haven't seen in a while."

"Yeah."

"I don't know what else to do about that."

"I don't want advice. I just want a friend."

"You've got them all. You don't have to tell us each individually. Tell one of us and you've got at least four shoulders to lean on."

"One quick thing. If you don't come to me in return, I can't come to you. Carleigh knows that well."

"Okay. Deal. Coffee?" I nod, quickly and violently. She laughs and grabs her bag and things. "I'm sorry that I emailed Lin about what you said the other day."

"No. He asked you to."

"Is he worried?"

"Well, I lived with him and I ket a lot slip. He knows I say stupid things sometimes."

"But they're generally true? You really think those things that you say?"

"Yeah. Sorta. But I'm fine now." We walk in silence for a little while. "So. What book are you reading?" She laughs.

"It's a good one. I can lend it to you after."

"What's it about?"
-
"Kelsey." He whispers, looking down at me, his hands around my waist.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know what I'm gonna do without you."

"You're strong."

"So are you. But I saw how much you were hurting. And I told you things that I haven't been able to talk about since you left."

"Jackson, Just call me. Okay?"

"But how do I know if your okay. If you can handle my issues."

"I have the same problem."

"I'll visit again."

"I'll be back in New York for a few days in two month."

"Right. Lilly's wedding."

"I'll miss you."

"Me too." He lifts my chin and leans into a kiss that lasts quite long. It hurts because he's leaving but I feel so much happier than I have in the last few days at the same time.

His hand rests on my cheek and my back is pressed against the wall of the hallway in my complex.

"Is he gonna eat her?"

"Justice." Amber scolds as we break away.

"Of course you are here, right now." I say, not even looking at them. "Bye Jackson." I give him a hug and then he's on his was.

"We thought he'd already left. We brought ice cream and gummy bears."

"Oh, give me some gummy's." I say, walking into the apartment.

"I'm sorry. It must be tough."

"It's part of theater."

"Unfortunately." She hands me some gummy bears.

"Thanks."

"Kels?"

"What?" I say, turing to see her looking at the envelope.

"You removed the tape." I thought I should while Jackson was around.

"It's a step. Want coffee or coke?"

"Why do you kill your body like that?"

"Well would you tell my body that if it wants to be healthy, it's gotta stop asking for that."

"She's healthy." Justice says. "She eats a salad every time we go anywhere."

"Cause I'm broke/don't know how to spend money."

"You're studying finances."

"Maybe so."

"Hey," Amber says, "You wanna come out tonight? They never check age. Especially if you wear eyeliner."

"Thanks but I think I'm gonna just stay here and read a while. Ignoring it tonight and dealing with it and a hangover and a show tomorrow won't help."

"You never drink much. Not when your with us at least." She says, opening the cabinet under the sink.

"That's so cliché. It's not there." She rolls her eyes.

"But you have it."

"Have a good time tonight."

"We don't have to leave you. We can stay."

"Thanks but I'm almost done with that book and I wanna know what happens. So have fun and tell me about it tomorrow."
-