What you know (Hamilton cast)

Sixty-four

Jazzy hitshighnotes: we miss you Kelsey!

Kelsey bean: I miss you guys too! You'll do great today.

CARLEIGH OR DAVEED

Carleigh withapoof: hey you made my name. I get to make yours.

I roll my eyes as Jackson returns with the coffee. I sign 'thanks.'

"No problem." We talk/sign for a little while and then I go to class with Jessica. It's only ten in the morning and all classes at the studio are cancelled today because they're at competition. After three hours of schoolwork, I go for a very long walk. About four hours. Four hours of walking around the city is exhausting. But Jessica is in rehearsal and I don't want to call anyone else because I want to spend some time alone. Vanessa is okay with me staying with Jessica and being twenty years old, we go to the club but neither of us love that kind of stuff and we end up leaving after a while. Especially because it reminds me of being eighteen which was a pretty bad year for me.

"Okay, we will get you to speak. We just need to get you to forget your fear." Jessica says, setting down a bottle of liquor. "So tequila or vodka." I raise an eyebrow, already not feeling to great about what I've had but also kind of waiting to forget everything. I grab a shot glass and fill it with vodka, not even waiting for her. She doesn't mind. She just keeps promising that I will speak. I don't. Not that either of us will remember tomorrow. But we locked ourselves in here so that we don't do anything stupid and we don't. We just simply are stupid, forgetting about everything. Something still hovers over me, even when the rest of my can't feel. The fact that in the morning, my father will be out there in the world again. And I can't stop him from hurting anyone. It stays with me in the form of a dark cloud the whole night, even if I forget about everything else, shutting my phone off to cut me off from the outside world and drowning my sorrow in alcohol until we pass out, hoping to not choke on our own throw up in our sleep, but not minding too much if it kills me.
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I'm too tired for this. I want to listen and I want to know all about it but twenty minutes into the stories, my headache has turned to an actual hammer hitting my head and I just want to curl up and go to bed.

"So how are you doing?" Carleigh asks, sitting in the closest seat to me at the table as everyone eats. Their attention turns to me, the one tucked away in the corner that has been listening, trying to look a little less dead but constantly being reminded that I must appear it my my burning eyes and pounding head. "I know it's a tough day. We're here if you need anything. We all know basic signs now so you can do those or you can write it down. Just don't drink again." I nod and her mouth falls open before I realize that she didn't know about that. "I knew it!"

"Bean," Daveed says. "I'm so disappointed in you." I flip him off but it's not meant to be rude. Just a joke. He laughs.

"Well, there's always a way to say 'fuck you.' But yeah. You're eyes say it all."

"What happened?"

"Kelsey drank." Anthony says. I turn to him and slap his arm but he just laughs.

"Come on. Leave her alone. Like none of you guys never drank underage." Oak says. I sign 'thanks' and get up to leave the room. Lin grabs my arm.

"Stay in the building." I nod. He's worried about my dad too.