Rough Heart | ethan dolan

[thirty nine - "for you, jess"]

I just need some time to think.

I'm glad Ethan finally opened up to me. It's relieving to know there's no more secrets or things about Ethan to be clueless about. It's comforting.

But, now that I know everything, why do I feel so sick to my stomach?

How could he do something like that to Kara? If she was really as sweet and innocent as he made her out to be, how could he just completely change her like that and not even care?

Will he ever do something like that to me?

That last thought is the one keeping me up tonight. It's currently four in the morning, and I have yet to get one minute of sleep.

The drive back from the creek was pretty silent, as expected. I made Ethan drive me back to school, but he skipped the rest of the day.

I wonder what Ethan's thoughts are about all of this.

I do admire his decision to finally open up. I really do. I appreciate it more than he will ever know. I realize it was a very hard thing for him to do, but at the same time, a small part of me wishes I didn't know.

Actually, not so much that I didn't know- but that Ethan's past was different.

I never knew it was that bad. I never knew Kara used to be a "good" girl. I never knew that Ethan was so heartless.

I thought he was bad when he moved here...

I'm glad I didn't know him back in New Jersey.

With all of this in my mind, I still can't help the fact that I'm worried about him. It's four in the morning, and he is the only thing on my mind. I hope he's okay.

-

I enter my first period class with a dreaded frown plastered across my face. I don't know how I am going to be able to handle seeing Ethan after yesterday.

"Jessica Perkins?" Mrs. Jones calls from her desk.

I glance up to see her signaling me over.

"Yes?" I approach her desk slowly.

She reaches up for her glasses and takes them off, placing them onto the desk in front of her.

"Where did you run off to yesterday?"

Her cold eyes stare into mine and the familiar guilt that seems to accompany me whenever I break a rule flows in.

As if on cue, I notice Ethan enter the classroom out of the corner of my eye and take his usual seat next to mine. He wears a black beanie, some hair of his popping out from the sides, and, for the first time, black jeans and a sweater instead of his usual sweats.

He looks amazing, as usual.

I'm distracted for a moment but quickly return to Mrs. Jones.

"I, um, forgot that I had an appointment." I lie.

She nods her head sternly.

"I suppose that you have a doctor excuse, then?"

Shit.

I hate things like this. My hand beside me starts to shake as I try my best to continue my lie.

"Oh, no..." I scoff, pretending to seem surprised, "I forgot it at home! I'm so sorry,"

Mrs. Jones continues to nod.