Rough Heart | ethan dolan

[fifty six - the days after anne]

I've never experienced a loss before. My dad left when I was very young, but I never even really knew him. I knew Anne. I loved Anne. We became close so fast, and she helped me through so much.

We all had expected it. We knew it was inevitable. We were aware of the circumstances and how badly Anne was deteriorating. We all knew it was coming.

But, boy, did it still hit us all like a train.

Ethan was the worst. I wish more than anything that I could say that he remained strong, but he didn't. None of us did.

The Day of Anne's Death.

My phone drops from my hands, crashing down onto the concrete below me. I have never felt so broken, so empty.

I think my mom notices me through the window, and I hear her rush through the house. She bursts through the front door and runs over to engulf me, but even the best hug in the world could never even attempt to soothe the pain I am experiencing.

"Oh, honey," my mom coos into my ear as her arms wrap tighter around me.

I hadn't realized how loudly I was crying. I grab onto my mom's shirt, sobbing into the soft material.

Anne is gone.

"Shhh, everything is going to be alright." She continues.

I've never cried this hard before. I knew this was coming, but I never expected it to hurt this bad. Never.

"M-mom, I have to go talk to him," I whisper through my tears.

He's the only thing on my mind; my only concern. I have to go make sure he's okay.

"Do you want me to drive you?" She asks.

I shake my head, leaning away from her chest. She reaches over to wipe my tears.

"No, no. I just need to go, now."

My mom nods, understanding. I give her one last look as if I'm trying to convince her that I'm going to be okay before turning on my heel and walking to my car.

I decide to cry as hard as I can on the way over so that maybe I can remain strong when I see Ethan. It's almost hard to see the road with the amount of tears gushing through my eyes.

-

I pull up to his house, my heart pumping harder than it ever has before. I immediately see him, sitting on the massive front porch, legs dangling off the edge of it.

I park my car in the driveway, and I think I forget to turn it off as I jump out and rush over to Ethan. His head is hanging over and his hands are covering his face, elbows resting on his knees.

I approach him slowly, taking small steps.

Then, he suddenly looks up from his hands, his eyes landing directly on my face. His cheeks are flushed, his hair is messy, and his eyes are dark.

"I walked in the bedroom to give her the daily vitamins she takes, and a glass of water," he says, his voice coming out deep and raspy.

Listening carefully, I take a seat next to him on the porch.

"Robert was running late for his work, so he asked if I would take it to her."

He shakes his head, still in disbelief.

"And... she didn't respond to me, or even move," he whispers.

I look down towards the ground, trying my best not to cry.