Rain POV
I laid in the beach chair.
I honestly am over all this shit. I am stressing myself out and I am only making shit worst with myself. I am tired of this shit.
"You okay?" I looked at Bahia and I nodded.
"Yeah, just relaxing."
"Where is Mark?"
"He went out today."
"Y'all alright?" I shrugged. "Do you want to be with him?" She sat down and I sat up.
"Yes, I love him." I nodded.
"That is great, so you are just going let him leave?" I sighed. "Girl sometimes you have to over extend yourself, tell him you want him. He is confused, you have to reassure him. It's okay to love people Rain, it's apart of life." I nodded.
"I do love him, I want him and Chris helped me realize that. Mark is everything that I want and I need, I am just all over the place. I am just looking over him because I feel entitled to Chris's life for some reason. I feel like he owes me something... I was in bed last night and I was just thinking like what the fuck is wrong with me." She looked away from me at the view. " I have realized that I do make my life more difficult than it has to be. But it all stems from the fear of getting attached to someone and losing them. Or me getting attached to someone and they hurt me. I can't deal with that type of pain. I definitely feel like from the first situation, which was the bet, I feel like that definitely put me in a headspace with Chris like, I made the decision that I would never take him seriously. I would mentally have a battle with myself about catching feelings for him and I never wanted to do that and even though it was very visible that I was in love with him, I couldn't except it within myself, and he definitely saw that because that's what I wanted him to see subconsciously. I didn't want him to know that I was in love with him, I didn't want him to feel like he had any type of control over my life. I chose to see all the negative in him and overlook the positive just to keep myself where I felt like I needed to be mentally. I felt like if I focused on all the negative I would grow to hate him just enough to if he decides to leave or cheat or whatever you wanna call it but I would already want to leave. I use that when I left him. I used all the animosity and hate that I had for him to get over him after the abortion incident. I never wanted to do that shit from the beginning. But now I see him with someone else and everything he do is so genuine and I feel like I didn't allow myself to receive that side of him even though he may have given it to me I still could not believe it. I didn't believe anything that came out his mouth, I try so hard not to put emphasis on our relationship and I was going with the flow trying not to get him the wrong idea. I was taking what I felt like was enough and what I deserved. I didn't want to run him away either so I felt like sex would keep him where I wanted him. But I genuinely never saw myself in a relationship with him after the bet and I feel like I screwed myself over with that because look at him now." she nodded.
" but you have to understand you guys both made mistakes and even though it said to say you guys were each other's lesson. This may not have been his first relationship, but like he stated before that was the first time he was ever in love. This just just happened to be your first time for everything. You guys were each other's lesson. It's in the past you have to move on. You know what you like now you know what you want and that was what Chris was there to teach you. Even if it's not Mark, you know what you want you just have to allow yourself to receive it. You deserve it. Why don't you feel like you deserve to be happy?"
" I don't know that's the thing. I have gotten so used to getting the short end of the stick or just having the worst luck that four or five years has no comparison to 23 or 24 years you get what I'm saying?"she nodded.
" the crazy part about it I remember
having this conversation with you like seven years ago" we laughed. " you deserve the best of what this life can give. All of those tragic things that have happened to you in your life isn't your fault. Things happen, its life but you should always feel like you deserve better than what you get. Because you do you are a beautiful person. I mean now you may be a fucking headache, but you are still a good person and we all know that and that is what we're trying to tell you."
" I know, I don't feel like I have as much control over my mind as I had before. I do feel very off the wire and confused. I know that I don't want to feel this way or I shouldn't feel this way. Sometimes I don't even care, but it's like something in my mind is telling me that he owes me that you know what I'm saying? I just don't understand my feelings yet, but I definitely have to get to the bottom of this before I lose my fucking husband." she nodded.
" how about you just start being... Be in the moment with Mark don't let your mind ruin everything for you. That excuse only works on you because you know that is true. He doesn't know that he is just going off of how you move and how you act. Hurt people hurt people and we all understand that however, you can't continue to hurt him when he loves you. That is one of the worst types of betrayal. Feeling like your love wasn't enough it's fucking horrible." I nodded.
" I am going to definitely be more present in the time that we spend together if I'm able to save this for the hundredth fucking time."
" and stop overpowering him, let him be a man. You don't always have to be in control, Mark is a great leader, and I don't think that he will lead you down the wrong road. You don't always have to be afraid of everything."
"Wussup?" Mark walked outside. "Sis." He hugged Bahia.
"Wussup bro."
"Rain, let's go." I hopped up and Bahia laughed and we went in the house.
We walked through the living room and every was watching tv.
"Q." He dapped up Chris and Nijay and the rest of the guys and hugged Malika.
We made our way upstairs and he tossed his bag on the bed.
" we need to have a serious conversation. If I pack my bag and get in the car and go to the airport and leave on this 6 PM flight that will be the last time you ever talk to me. It is what it is, I cannot put myself through this no more. I am trying Rain, can you at least try with me. I don't want to leave you. I love you, but it just feels like I am beating myself up because I am not good enough for you, no matter how much I give you of myself it will never be enough." I walked over to him leaving a respectful amount of space between us.
" Mark, I understand and I truly apologize from the bottom of my heart. We were doing so good in like always. I let my emotions get the best of me. The thing is I don't understand my emotions and I feel like that is why I am always confused. I want you. I love you I see myself having a future with you. I want your baby, I don't want anybody else. You are my everything."
" I don't want you to say it because that is what I want to hear. I want you to say it and mean it. And what I mean by I want you to mean it I want you to tell me through your actions, your words, your body language, just everything shit let me know that you love me. The fact that I am never sure is fucking mind-boggling to me because you never in your life will be question my love for you. Why do I have to feel like that. I understand. I am a man and I have to be strong, but I have feelings too." I nodded and he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. " please don't make me do this morning, I really don't wanna leave you. I just can't keep doing this to myself. I am not happy. This relationship makes me physically sick so you can only imagine how I feel mentally and emotionally. I am drained and I am tired of acting like everything is OK. it's not, and as stupid as I know I am for you I can only do this one more time. I really don't wanna give up on you because I know you're a great person and you're such a good girl. There was a point where we were happy together, and you were happy with me and I didn't feel like you loved me, but that should be the case no matter where we are not just one we're by ourselves." I nodded.
" I know, I don't want you to leave either. I don't want you to leave me at all. I love you and I am ready to fix this." He search my eyes for something. " I am all for us, and I am ready for us. You make me happier than I have ever been. I just have to learn to stop being greedy and see what is right in front of me. And I am so glad that it is you. I would love to be your wife and I would love to start a family and be a sports mom-" he laughed.
" are you just saying this because you don't wanna deal with this conversation or are you saying it because you mean it?"
" I mean it, honest."
