BTS Sickfics

Namjoon: Sleeping Pills

request by seridom :)

!!WARNING: small mentions of suicide!!

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Namjoon's POV -

I pick up my childhood teddy, McGoogly Fuck, off my bed, and sniff it's matted fur. It no longer smells of home, but of the dorm. Of worn socks and sweat. Or maybe that salty smell was caused by my secret nighttime cries of homesickness.

It's not like I have time to cry in the night, either. We get 4 hours on a good day, if Hoseok lets us leave the dance studio early, which isn't a common occurrence with just how bad Seokjin and I seem to be. I keep reminding him I didn't join this company to become an idol, but here I am, six months in, finding myself unable to give up. Those short hours of sleep are precious, but once I'm surrounded by darkness and silence-mixed-with-snoring, my brain starts to work overtime. I miss home, and my parents, and my dog, and all of my old friends I don't have time to go and see.

I think about Jungkook, and how he's only just turned fourteen and yet he's better than me at everything, even rapping. I suggest something to him, and he looks at me with those big doe eyes and then busts out the definition of perfection. He makes me feel self conscious. Yoongi produces so well and already has experience, Hoseok knows hip-hop dance better than me, Jimin is more loving than me, Seokjin makes me question my sexuality, and Taehyung is ... Well. He's a bit strange, but he makes everyone laugh with his antics, which is like medicine in such tough times. I'm in charge of them, but ... they're all better than me.

Jungkook gives an impressively loud snore as my eyes tear up at this thought, and I have to stifle a sob. As much as I like these guys, I don't think they'd like me very much for waking them up when they're so tired. They all miss home, I'm nothing special. Not even Jungkook cries, which just embarrasses me more. McGoogly Fuck gets squashed to my face to absorb the tears as they come.

My crying sessions are usually only ten minutes long, then I'm too tired to continue, but something has clearly snapped in me tonight, as even Jungkook's heavy snoring is making me gulp back tears. I desperately want to call my mum and dad, but I don't have enough money to top up my mobile phone, and they don't use any social media. I even miss my dad calling me 'stupid bear' when I broke something. I miss bringing Moni to the park and playing fetch with him to tire him out. I miss having free time, reading books, listening to any other genre than hip-hop. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want a job.

McGoogly Fuck's face fur is becoming sodden, and my nose is horribly blocked. I try and keep my howling as quiet as possible, but this time I'm failing as my body takes shuddery breaths against my will. I throw my blanket over my head to block more sound. I seriously need to blow my nose, but I can't do that without treading on someone and waking up the dorm, so I use the corner of my quilt to clear up what I can. I can feel myself start to sweat with the efforts of crying so much.

I'm not sure how long I lie like that, but I guess my sobbing became a bit too loud, as a hand touching my shoulder scares the ever loving shit out of me. I jolt upwards, to be blinded by the torch on Yoongi's phone. He looks at me worriedly, which starts my sobbing all over again. He seems to realise I'm in need of a hug, and sits down on my bunk, opening his arms. I huddle into him, accidentally smearing snot onto his pyjama shirt. He squeezes me tight, waiting for it to end.

"What are you upset about?" he whispers when I finally manage to get a grip. My eyes feel sore, and my face aches from effort. I try and breathe through my nose, but it's way too blocked.

"I miss home," I respond thickly, using McGoogly Fuck's paw to wipe away the rest of my tears. I keep taking gaspy breaths. "I miss my parents, and my dog, and all my old friends ..."