BTS Sickfics

Seokjin's OCD

Hey guys! if you have asked for a request and haven't seen it yet, please could you comment it again here? I believe I have them ready to go, but i think i might have missed one. thank you!

Trigger Warning: Self Harm

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Seokjin's POV -

When we first debuted in BTS, the stress got to me too much. With Jimin starting an eating disorder, and a lot of the stress being put on me to sort him out, considering I'm the best cook in the house, I began to take part in compulsive behaviours. At the time, I didn't realise what I was doing. I kept getting images of Jimin in my head, either dead or severely injured. Although I never saw myself, I knew that it was me who had caused it, that I'd stabbed him to death. I fully believed I did it, every time it happened. I thought that going to see Jimin would help relieve the thoughts that I'd killed him, but every time I did, the anxiety would get worse, that if I was near him, then I'd really go through with it. I felt like I couldn't share any of these thoughts with anyone, since who dreams about killing their best friend numerous times a day?

I found out a few things that would help take the fear away; take the fears out of my head. One of them was washing my hands, with another being turning the living room light on and off exactly 23 times. It would only work for a few minutes, and soon the images would be back, and every time Jimin was out of my sight, I believed that I'd done it. Every time I went for a walk, I would look into bins, check behind alleys, searching for his body, or for any proof that I'd done it. The hand washing got worse, since I felt determined to wash his blood off my hands.

Soon, the members began to notice things were wrong with me. I wouldn't go anywhere near Jimin unless other people were in the room, and I kept throwing the knives out. If anyone was in the living room, they got annoyed with me, and I kept blowing the lightbulbs. My hands began to bleed, and that made me worse, since I confused it with Jimin's. They weren't all that friendly with me, believing that I was stupid and was trying to wind them up on purpose. We were very poor, and couldn't afford to keep buying lightbulbs and knives. I stopped talking to Jimin completely.

It was Jungkook who showed me the most compassion. Despite only being 15 and incredibly shy, he stayed next to me, and eventually coaxed me into talking. I told him about the images in my head, and how I believed that I'd killed Jimin, and if I saw him, then I believed I was going to stab him to death. I told him that I have to turn the light off and on 23 times, and only the living room light would do, and that I had to keep washing my hands, that they were the only things to help stop the thoughts. I even told him that I searched for his body in bins.

Jungkook didn't know what to do, but he stayed by my side, and stayed with me when I spoke with Jimin. He knew that Namjoon would scoff too much at me, since, at the time, he was very angsty, so he went to Yoongi. Yoongi confided that he was worried, but was too anxious himself to confront me.

He took me to see PDnim first, who, surprisingly, was gentle with me, and set me up to see a doctor, even though the company was dangerously close to liquidation. I was diagnosed with Moderate OCD, and I began CBT to help me. I also got medication called Fluoxetine, to help balance out the chemicals in my brain.

It worked. Completely worked. I didn't get the images anymore, and I didn't feel the need to partake in any compulsive behaviours.

Until now.

*

"Hoseok, could you pass me that glass?"

Hoseok slides the glass across the table, making it fit neatly into Jimin's outstretched hand. I watch them, the cutting knife in my hand. Jimin catches my eye and smiles in a friendly manner.