BTS Sickfics

Taehyung's Depression

!! Trigger Warning: Suicide !!

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Taehyung's POV -

In 2014, I was diagnosed with depression, after I had no energy to get myself out of bed for a week. I felt like nothing. I didn't even feel anything negative about myself. I just felt ... nothing. All I wanted to do was sleep, and, when I wasn't sleeping, I just stared at the wall as the hours passed, my brain devoid of thought.

The boys were not friendly about it at all. They called me all sorts. Lazy. Stupid. Fat. They said that I was just wanting BTS to fail, that I was trying to ruin all of their careers, and make us look idiotic. They said I'd earn them the title of fastest idol group disbandment. That's not what I wanted at all. I didn't want anything.

It was only when Yoongi fell into the same trap as me that I got a friend. In reality, I realised that Yoongi was the only person who hadn't been teasing me. He'd made a few off hand comments, but, when I started to get better, I realised that was because he was feeling lousy too. He was projecting his own feelings onto me.

He managed to catch me on one of the times I was awake. He told me, "Taehyung, I don't feel right inside. I feel worthless, and like BTS would be better without me." He said, "I often think about ending my life, because I can't make these thoughts stop." Well, that's the gist of what he said, over a lot of crying, stuttering, and stumbling over words. He told me that I looked the way he felt inside.

We agreed to go to the doctors together and get an answer to what was going on. It took us a while, since I couldn't get myself out of bed properly. But, when we did go, we were both taken seriously. At the time, Yoongi looked okay. He looked the way he did when we debuted, just with orange hair, but I know I came out worse. I had lost a lot of weight, and I hadn't showered for a long time. I looked a state, and, even though I was spending 20+ hours sleeping, I still felt exhausted.

Mental health isn't taken that seriously in Korea. There's a big stigma, that contributes to a lot of suicides in the country. We were so poor at the time that we couldn't even afford to go to a top end doctor, but maybe that helped our cause. The doctor believed us, and set us on the right track. We were sent to therapists, who were able to give us proper diagnoses, and medication to help us feel better. I was diagnosed with depression, whilst Yoongi was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD.

Yoongi was my rock in that time. If it wasn't for him pulling me along, I wouldn't have gone to the doctors at all, and I wouldn't have gone to the therapist either. If he hadn't intervened, I probably would have ended up wasting away in my bed.

A diagnosis didn't make the boys any friendlier. We both missed a couple of concerts, both from appointments, and from locking ourselves away. As Yoongi is a producer, PDnim went soft on him, but I nearly lost my spot in BTS. The boys weren't sympathetic, and, it's no wonder I wasn't able to reach out for help, with that background.

Yoongi and I really showed just how different depression can hit in different people. I lost all my energy, and couldn't get myself out of my room. I didn't feel suicidal, and I didn't even feel like hurting myself in any way. I just wanted sleep to take me away from the reality of living. My appetite was gone, and my cause of death would have been starvation. Yoongi, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. He still got up everyday, he completed activities, and he spoke to the others. He didn't have much appetite, like me, but he still ate something at least once a day. Yoongi would often fly off the rails, and yell at everyone, throwing tantrums. He would get strong urges to hurt himself, and had often contemplated committing suicide. Thankfully, the intervention saved him.

I honestly think we save each other. If one and the other didn't go down at the same time, then we would have died in our own ways, with no input from the other boys. Obviously, none of them wanted us to die, but they didn't understand what was happening inside our heads. They just couldn't get it.