Your Touch

chapter 4

"I'm sorry that I didn't really introduce myself earlier... Hi, my name is Yoongi", I encouraged myself to say. As I stretched out my hand she looked at it irritated before shaking it with trembling fingers shyly answering: "I... am (Y/N)." The smile she gave me while saying that reminded me of my own a few years ago. And that smile made something deep inside of me shatter.

[WARNING: the following part includes self-harming, please do not read if you feel uncomfortable by this]

//2013 - Yoongi's pov//

I can feel the cold wall which I'm leaning against. I feel the cold marble floor I'm sitting on. The scent of alcohol which lays in the air like a heavy cloud. Maybe it's myself I don't know anymore. Paper towels, razor blades. I slowly roll up the sleeve of my left arm and my mind is completely empty.

I automatically take a razor blade out of the little box where I stored them. I hold the blade on the skin of my left wrist, press it into my skin and start cutting a short line. Emotionless I watch the blood running down my pale and thin wrist. I start cutting a new line this time I go slower but I feel different. I don't have the urge to stop cutting my skin so the line becomes longer and longer. The feeling of the warm blood running down my arm satisfies me and calms me down. I lean my head back very slowly as I feel burning tears running down my face. I finally stop the line but while I open my eyes again, I can't see anything. I only hear loud screams before my mind completely turns off.

//2017 - Your pov//

He is literally shaking my hand for 10 seconds already... I stared at our hands and then back at Yoongi who was still shaking my hand absentmindedly. Carefully I pulled back my hand because I couldn't take that anymore. That was already enough contact for one day.

From that moment on he remained silent throughout the whole lesson. He didn't even look at me again. Why is he acting so weird all of a sudden? Okay he acted like that before but literally before the class came in he was so nice.

After school Jess and I took the bus again. Why in the world am I watching out for Yoongi?

When we arrived at home she told me about her new friends and everything. She also asked me about my day but I just answered by shrugging.

"The day will come when you can feel comfortable with yourself and with other people. You still have your whole life, I believe in you (Y/N)", she comforted me like she did very often.

I still admire her for trying to forget our past and move on. That was a thing she was definetely better at than me. I sighed and hugged her before going to my room.

I am so awkward... it's normal that no one wants to talk to me or that no one likes me but I can't do anything against it. I first have to fully trust a Person so that I am not feeling as if their skin leaves scars on my skin just by touching my hand.

Seconds later I threw myself onto my bed and hugged my pillow as silent tears were leaving my eyes. After some time they were streaming down my cheeks and I buried my face into my pillow, in attempt not to sob loudly.

The next day I woke up about 30 minutes earlier than I should. I could feel the salty dry stains my tears left on my skin. My brain didn't want me to fall asleep again so I stood up and went into the bathroom. As I looked into the mirror I noticed my swollen eyes and decided to take a shower to clear my mind.

As I got out of the shower, I dried myself off and looked into the mirror again. After standing there for about 5 minutes I noticed that there wasn't one thing that I found pretty about myself. Not one single thing I liked about me.

I sighed emotionless and went into my room to find an outfit. I really couldn't decide the whole time.

In the end I chose a pastel pink long sleeve shirt with a white collar and a black skirt which reached under my knees combined with black tights and casual black boots. When I arrived in the kitchen my sister was already eating.

"Good mor-", she began talking but widened her eyes a bit while raising an eyebrow.

"Wow you look cute for once...
who are you trying to impress?", she chuckled.

"I don't know what you're talking about", I hesitantly answered.

Am I really trying to impress someone?, I asked myself doubtfully.

"I just wanted to dress up a little bit because it's a new school and I don't want to leave the impression that I'm a nerd or anything...", and immediately I thought that I still looked like a nerd, I am way too shy, not even talking like a normal person.

It's just that I don't open up to people that fast. But as soon as I truly trust someone it's easier to talk to them.

At exactly 7.30am we stood at the bus stop and waited. I really tried not to but I ended up feeling excitement crawling up inside my stomach as I saw the bus coming around the corner.