My Neighbors the YouTubers (A danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil fanfiction)

Chapter 19: Secrets

*Rachel POV*

I was trembling. My thoughts were like a haze over my senses. I felt terribly cold. My teeth were strongly clenched together as I tried to contain my tears in my eyes. I failed.

The kettle whined and squirmed. I switched the stove off. I retrieved mugs from the cabinet up to the right. Being only 5'3" I had to stand on my toes. I got two mugs patterned like fancy tea cups and tried my best to set them gently on the counter with my shaking hands.

I gulped and inhaled to try and calm myself down. "Dan," I said with as much as a normal voice as I could. "What type of tea do you prefer?"

"What kinds do you have?" He said in a voice that was unusually not as sarcastic as he normally is. I heard him stand up as the couch made a squeak.

"Stop!" I said a bit too loudly and at the same time exposing my hurt. He can't see me cry. He can't see me cry. Stay calm. Stay calm. "I mean, don't get up. I have English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Green Tea, Black Tea..."

I heard him sit back down again. I sighed out of relief under my breath. "Green Tea is fine," he said.

I unwrapped a tea bag a bit too loudly, the sound of ripping paper echoing through the room. I then unwrapped an English Breakfast tea for myself. I dunked both bags in the steaming water and bobbed them up and down. The water changed to the appropriate tea color. I poured some milk in my tea so that it became cloudy.

I took hold of the handles on the cups and walked slowly to the couch. Dan grabbed two coasters from the short stack of them on the edge of the table.

I thanked him as I put the two cups down. I sat down. Steam danced out of the mugs in silence.

"Are.. You okay?" I heard Dan cautiously ask.

"Yes," I said out of instinct.

"Look at me," he firmly said. I turned my head to face his. His brown eyes were full of concern, scanning my face as I scanned his. His eyebrows were flat lines. His mouth was a thin line. His eyes met back with mine. I felt terrified. "No you're not."

"Yes I-"

"Tell me what happened. Please. I want to know. Unless I'm just not good enough to know-"

"Stop," my voice shook. "Don't say that. You're good enough. I'll tell you."

He looked at me, and I found it hard to say it to his face, so I looked at the black TV screen in front of me.

"That Facebook. It's of my ex boyfriend," I chewed on my lip as I tried to prevent tears. "I mean... We've been apart for years, but a lot has happened between him and I. I've always loved him no matter what. I shouldn't be upset, but I am. I shouldn't care, but I do. That's what probably bothers me the most. He dates some girl named Emily, and she was nice. She was so nice. Much nicer than me. I knew he would love her more than me. I moved here, to England. I always wanted to go here. And it would help me... Get away from all of it. I've kept him out of my thoughts mostly, but..."

That's when I burst into tears. My face became a waterfall. I felt stupid for letting Dan see me this way. I felt myself crumble for such a stupid reason in front of him. He didn't deserve it.

I felt his arms slide along my back. He pulled me gently and I followed his movements. I was like a weak little doll. He moved me onto his lap, where I stayed. I was straddling him again, like that morning where I woke up on him. I was tightly yet gently hugged by him. I heard my shaking voice as I cried and felt my heartbeat beat in my head.

"I loved him with all my heart. I think I still do, but... Who would really love me, honestly? That's the thing. I'm no one's type. I'm awkward, a recluse, I'm a weirdo. I'm a failure. I can't flirt. I'm not beautiful. I loved him, and he didn't care. I'm not the person anyone wants. No one on earth would love me."