My Neighbors the YouTubers (A danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil fanfiction)

Chapter 38: Flurries

*Rachel POV*

I had finally calmed down enough so that I could breathe. There was an aching in my head from all the breathing. I couldn't remember when Dan had moved me to the couch, but I was on the couch, leaning up against half of his arm and half of the cushion behind me. I just stared forward in silence.

My senses came back to me, I looked up at Dan, whose eyes were full of concern and mouth hung open in shock.

"Dan," I said simply.

"I think you need to rest," he said, trying to reassure me by putting a hand on my shoulder. At first I could hardly feel his touch, but looked over at his hand slowly, dizziness still buzzing in my head.

"No," I shook my head, almost falling to my side. "This hasn't been my first panic attack. I'll be better in a few minutes. I need to tell you what's happened before morning comes." I could already feel myself feeling better. At least my words made sense, which was better than any time when I was completely alright.

I rested on him for a bit, closing my eyes. I breathed slowly. I wanted badly to rest, and never wake up to what I had to face. Whether I was ready or not, I had to face it.

"I'm ready," I said. I lifted my head up, and I saw him sit up in the low light of the one lamp in the corner.

"Alright," he said uncomfortably.

I reached forward and grabbed one of his hands for courage, to help me say what I needed to say.

I felt him flinch.

"Sorry, my hands get cold when, you know. Panic."

He nodded, but only held tighter onto my hand.

I looked down, spacing out into the entanglement of our hands, feeling a sort of happiness in my heart that I couldn't express on my face. I felt tears blur my vision again. But it wasn't panic.

"I'm going to have to leave England."

"What?" Dan instantly said, as if not even taking in what I said.

"That's the point, but really, let me explain."

He nodded.

"All of my life I've been afraid. Of everything. I was afraid of going to public places. I was afraid of meeting people. But I wasn't afraid for myself. I was afraid of what people would think. But mostly, afraid of what she would think. She was paranoid. I could never, ever live up to her standards. Got a B in a class? Get an A. Got an A? A+, then. Have friends? Get better ones. And then there were the weirdest judgment things. Go out at night? 'Who were you with?' She obviously didn't understand her scared daughter wasn't very popular with the boys anyway. I had that one boyfriend, but he was a jerk, I messed up too. Here you have me, escaping to England, in hope I can be different.
But you can never be different. That's what I learned. You can't escape from the struggles inside of you. Your fears go with you."

I looked up from Dan and my hands that were intertwined. He looked at me intently, showing me he was still listening. I looked in his eyes for a second, and tried to smile. It didn't work out very well. What I was going to say next was the main point explained - why I had to leave him forever, why I would have to go back to a life that was so much worse even than any problems I had here over the last couple months.

"I told her how I felt about school. I told her I hated it. I never liked it really. I may be nineteen, but... How am I supposed to know what to do with my life? I never knew. I was always trying to please others, to do things for her. Now things are different. I want to be free of her, but I can't."

"Why?"

"Dan. I'm here on a visa, to learn at university. My flat - it's from her money. Even though she has disapproved of me my whole life, she's provided me with housing and schooling. I disagreed with her, and she said I would never see you again."