The Sapphic Christmas

1st December. part 1

Sophie

The next day I feel even more tired than before the trip. I'm scared of this opportunity to do whatever I want. It makes me feel like I can ruin my life in a split second. Because something that makes me free, at the same time binds me. I speak like posts on Tumblr, and I don't like it at all.

Despite the fact that I feel exhausted, I go for a walk around the city, mostly along the beach. I convince myself that I need it, because the main purpose of my being away from home is to change my routine a little. I hope I can feel better here.

Today is the first of December, and I don't even have to raise my head to know that there're decorations hanging over the heads of all the walkers, including me. Of course, it's indescribably beautiful. The problem is that it doesn't interest me at all. I like the city before the holidays, but now I don't feel the same excitement as literally everyone around me. However, as I approach the sea, I look down a street that really does look like Christmas itself. I'd like to draw this. I'm not sure that it will turn out exactly the way I want, but the idea is quite interesting. I take a photo and turn to face the sea. This is what I'm here for. My legs get tired quickly, so I go to the beach and sit right on the ground. There're more people here now than there're last night, but less than in the summer. Seagulls still fly overhead and scream heart-rendingly. Is it beautiful? Maybe yes. I can't say for sure about this. At one moment I like how all sounds combine into one noise, but at another I want to turn off all sounds, and first of all, the seagulls.

There're two teens few meters away from me, they're about seventeen years old. One of them looks very worried, and the other helps the first one to calm down (I think). Sometimes I can hear their words. I don't know what have happened to them, whether it's serious or not. From the words I do hear, I can conclude that my assumption is correct about their feelings: two friends, one of whom has a panic/anxiety attack, and the other helps them.

There's a company of young people. I think they're about twenty. They're having fun near the water, throwing stones at each other and sea, laughing a lot. These people seem to be having a really good time. Among them is one girl who also laugh out loud like everyone else, but she looks a little displeased or worried. She has a red jacket with "she/her" sign, now I want one too. She constantly somehow close herself with movements from her friends (cross her arms on her chest, purse her lips, cross her legs), sometimes step aside. I think she thinks that no one notices. However, as it seems to me, her friend has noticed and tried to make the situation more comfortable for her. He's said something to his friends, while the girl's standing aside, afterwards they become less noisy. Or maybe I've just imagined it. Perhaps my fantasy is just playing out. This happens to me quite often.

There's an old married couple. I think they're about sixty-seventy years old. They also, like me, look into the distance of the sea and hold hands. Someday I hope, I'll stand with the love of my life like this. They calmly talk about something, perhaps discussing some plans or remembering good old days.

I look away from them, because it's impolite to stare at someone for a long time. Then I notice the figure of the girl I've seen last night. She seems to be furious about something and she's constantly checking her phone. Has something happened to her? In any case, it's none of my business, and I shouldn't interfere in someone else's life. I look at the waves, but I keep thinking about the unknown girl. Has she found the solution? What has happened?

When I look again, she's still here. She doesn't look angry anymore, but it feels like she's about to burst into tears. I don't know what happened, but I get that I should offer her my help. Maybe she needs something I can do. Or maybe not. We won't know if we don't check, right? Right.

"Excuse me" I say. The girl raises her head and smiles slightly. "It's none of my business, but you seem to be on to something. Maybe I can help you somehow?"