The Sapphic Christmas

15th December. part 1

Sophie

In fact, I'm afraid to go to Ella's place. Perhaps "afraid" is a bit of an inappropriate word. I'm worried. I want to delay this moment. I'm still angry and upset that she forgot about our agreement, I don't want to appear in her video anymore (but I'm afraid to say so, I don't want to seem insecure). I want to know if she has a partner and who am I to her. However, I can't ask her any of the question. I need to shove my feelings deep and take a big breath. Maybe I don't breathe out.

I try to force myself to relax, to stop overthink everything all by myself, but I fail. Yet, as they say, a small victory is also a victory. I keep my calmness on drive to her house. Pros of the situation: we'll get to know each other; now I know Ella's home town (Guilford). It's better than nothing.

I remember how I didn't want to be in any kind of relationships with Ella anymore. I'm not delighted with the kind of relationship we have now. It's unusual for me to get used to a person after two weeks together. It has never happened before; I'm really interested in her. I like her. I want to know her, her habits, her favorite things, everything. Due to the fact that we've talked quite a lot, I've begun to consider her as a very close person who can always understand me. In fact, this isn't true at all.

I stop near the house in which Ella rents an apartment. I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what. I still have time. Maybe Ella's doing something at that moment, or maybe not, I don't want to distract her. I make myself get out and go to the girl's apartment, typing a message to her along the way. Maybe the sooner we start, the sooner we finish?

I act like an ungrateful person. I actually love spending my time with Ella, I love hanging out with her, I just don't love the time that comes after that. I'm alone. I watch like she lives her best life. What am I doing at this time? I exist. She changes people's lives, helps them, inspires them, motivates them simply by living. While I'm really just on Earth and consuming its resources.

I take a few deep breaths before knocking on her door. The next few hours will be fun, bright, festive, all together. Most likely, I'll not be able to relax. As if nothing bad came of it.