The Sapphic Christmas

26th December. part 2

Ella

I don't understand why I've agreed to this trip. It's completely reckless, seriously. Why should I go with them? Plus, the euphoria of being able to be together for as long as we want is over. I get that it's really pointless. I'm leaving soon. I still don't know how to tell Sophie about it. I don't know how to end the relationship with her. I just don't know how to tell her about my feelings. I like her very much; I even think that she can be the one. However, I don't want to stay here, I already accepted the offer. There's no point to be together at the moment, how can I say such a horrible thing to her? "Hey, I like you a lot, but we have to break up, because I prefer my work over our relationship. So, stay tuned, maybe one day I'll change my mind."

I don't understand how I can fly away now if our feelings turned out to be mutual (this doesn't happen often), and we seem to want to continue this relationship. I don't know what to do now. She probably won't understand. She won't get my feelings and the reasons why I don't want to maintain a relationship at a distance. There'll be other questions. Why am I leaving? Why can't we be together from a distance?

I don't want to hurt Sophie. I don't want to become for her the one who leaves without saying anything. I know it's heartbreaking. But I can't stay either. Maybe if she come with me... but it's selfish to ask her to leave everything here and go somewhere with me. Besides, how long have we been dating? Two days? We've known each other for less than a month. That's not how we should do it.

Honestly, I don't know what to do, but I don't have options as such. Usually, nothing good comes out of this, but nothing else remains. Maybe I'll leave these thoughts for a while, for now I'll try to get to know Sophie better, get to know her friends. Still, it should be exciting.

We've agreed to meet at the train station in London because I have no idea where exactly we're going. I like this part of the trip because, firstly, I've realized that I trust Sophie very much (she can even take me to the forest, kill or rape me, she can do it now, but I have no doubles in her, because she won't do that), and secondly, this trip seems fabulous to me. I don't know why exactly, but everything that happens is just like a fairy tale. I don't just read it, I live it.

"Hi." I kiss Sophie on her cheek when we meet. "Let's go?"

"Of course." She takes my hand, twining our fingers, and we walk to her car. I hope there won't be many people who knows about my channel. I hope there're no "paparazzi" here, who rarely meet me somewhere, but when they do – it's painful. I don't want them to embarrass Sophie. "How was your ride?"

"It's not bad. How's yours?" Such a casual conversation ... yesterday Sophie hardly spoke, only she only needed cuddles. And now she seems to be in quite the opposite mood. I like both options.

We get into the car and drive off. It's already dark outside and, honestly, I'm sleepy. I haven't been able to sleep much in the last few days. Either the thoughts in my head have kept me awake, then Sophie was at my side. How can anyone fall asleep if there is someone with whom you want to talk all day long? Or my heart beat faster just because of the fact that we're under the same blanket. It kept me awake for several nights.

We stop at a cafe on the way to have dinner there, and also take coffee to go, because we both already want to sleep. Due to the fact that Sophie also hasn't get enough sleep, I suggest to stay at some motel for the night or at least a few hours. She insists on continuing to drive. Honestly, I don't like it when people insist, but at the same time they understand that they're wrong. If she wants to sleep, then why can't we sleep for a few hours, then go back to the road? What is so special can happen if we arrive a few hours late? I don't understand. On the other hand, I know what can happen if we continue on our way: Sophie falls asleep, and as a result, we get into an accident because of this, and this can already lead to different consequences. Yet, I don't insist, and we continue on our way.