The Sapphic Christmas

20th December

Sophie

When I wake up at eight o'clock in the morning, I realize that I missed the art class that was yesterday.  I'm surprised Andy didn't call me. We haven't talk since the day when I heard male moan on his background. I hope everything is okay, I start panicking that he'll leave me too. Well, maybe I deserve it.

I don't want to eat, so I seat under the Christmas tree and do my job. I've finished everything I have to get done before the new year. Now, after almost five hours, I have nothing to do. In fact, absolutely nothing. My apartment is cleaned, there're no dirty dishes in the kitchen, all the important gifts are packed. I even managed to go through clothes and select what I don't wear, which means that these clothes can be taken somewhere to donate.

This sadness is killing my brain. At that moment, when I'm completely free, they dominate. For a while, I was able to do something, all my thoughts were focused on the routine. But now... I have nothing left to do. I've no one to talk to, for the first time I have too much free time, and this hasn't happened for a very, very long time. Don't get me wrong, I love being alone, like all introverts, but I hate feeling lonely. There's a thin line between these concepts, but they're completely polar.

Now I feel extremely lonely. In fact, I always have been. Yes, I have friends, beside Andy, we're not close. Even he ignores me now. I end up spending all my time with myself. It used to be normal. Why am I so desperate now? So, what has changed? Oh yes, exactly, I've been showed that life can bring new colors if I spend time with someone else. Especially if that someone is enjoying their life. I don't want to ruin her mood. And that's exactly what usually happens. I was charged by her mood, by her love for life. It seemed to me that I, too, could do anything, I just needed to make an effort. Can I really do anything? No, because... let it sound extra pompous (because there really is a slight exaggeration in this phrase), but she was my wings, which lifted me into the air. She showed me that I can change my life. I just don't know how to do it by myself. I don't even know what kind of result I want to see, what I should strive for.

How do adults live with these thoughts? How do they not get tired of being alone with themselves all the time? Maybe that's why they prefer offices. In addition, silence won't crush where it's never quiet. But unfortunately, this option doesn't suit me. I'll just hide in a corner and die there. How is this different from the present? I do the same thing at home, no one sees me, no one discusses or condemns me behind my back (this was before the appearance of Ella, anyway).

In order to somehow kill time, I look at apartments' offers in Brighton. Yes, it sounds funny, but I' d really like to live there. It would be nice even for a while. This idea is so appealing to me. I feel this's the right decision. I don't know how to describe it, but I have a hunch that it's just how it should be.

My phone starts to vibrate, but I don't know who can call me. Ella doesn't want to talk to someone like me, there's no doubt about it. Well, I agree with her. I double that Andy is still alive (joking), or wants to be my friend (kind of joking), however he's probably at work at the moment. I've already spoken to my grandparents today. There's only one option that turns out to be true: mom. I don't want to listen to her reproaches again, argue with her, so I just turn off the sound and continue to do my own thing. It will be better that way, I'm sure of it.

Surprisingly, I actually find an apartment that suits me: both the location and the price (the only thing I'd change the colors of walls of the apartment a little, but it's not so important). Well, I wanted to rent the apartment, but I can buy the place. It seems like a miracle, doesn't it? But can I succumb to this set of circumstances? Or is it better for me to put all these thoughts somewhere to back of my mind? Most likely, there'll be a lot of demand for such an apartment ... maybe this is stupid of me, completely un-adult, but I just decide to go with the flow and call the number of the person who sells the apartment.

We have a good talk and agreed to meet, but after the new year, because this person's now abroad. I'm shocked. There're no other words.

There's a mess in my head, but I feel that I'm doing the right thing. Yes, it's a rush, yes, it's not what "adult" people should do, but I want it. Why should I deny such opportunity? Plus, what does it mean to be adult? I'm 21 years old, I know what is better for me.

I've calculated all the costs that are incurred in this apartment that I rent, and the one that I can buy (after we meet in person, and I can see this apartment live), I understand that this's profitable even from a financial point of view, and I'm... just... happy. I can't put into words all the feelings that literally overwhelm me.

Of course, life can go to hell, but then I'll have my own apartment, which will be far enough from my parents, from my hometown, from the depressing thoughts that fill this place. I can go to the sea every day and look at it. My happiness knows no bounds, really. Maybe I'll take paints with me and draw nature. What else can you dream of? Well, William works there, but we can ignore each other in a big city, right?

I don't know how else to describe my feelings and emotions at that moment, everything just got better right away. Yes, I'm still unsatisfied with my life, there're still a lot of problems and conflicts in the family and with Ella, with Andy, but for a moment I can forget about everything and allow myself to be relaxed and glad that my life's completely in my hands. I can control it. That is exactly what I am doing now.

Unfortunately, the euphoria doesn't last long, and soon I return to the disturbing thoughts that everything can't be so good. I have to fight hard.

How do I overcome such stress? I turn on the movie "Love Actually". Of course, it's a bit cheesy, but I like it. Besides, it lifts the mood, which I thought was already irretrievably lost.

After that time, my mother didn't try to call me. It's good. I don't want to talk about the new apartment (well, I'm not going to say a word to anyone until I get it), but nothing else happened. Again, fighting is the last thing I'm going to do right now. It's better to just not communicate than to constantly fight.

As "Love Actually" ended, I turn on the "Polar Express" and then "Four Christmases", during whichI fall asleep on. Only in this way I'm able to get rid of the thoughts thattormented me.