The Sapphic Christmas

11th December. part 1

Sophie

The next day I start packing everything I have bought in London. Last night, after returning from the capital, I couldn't even move: six (total) hours on the road, crowds in the mall. I only took off my shoes and outerwear, fell on the bed and asleep. This morning I come up with the idea to pack all the gifts and end up messing around with them for a while. Everything else can be bought closer to the holiday itself, there's still time, but for now I don't want to do it anymore. Although if I look from the other side, then most likely I'll go shopping again soon, because I have nothing else to do. Moreover, I couldn't get anything for Andy, cause he always was around. At least, he gave me hints about his dream-present.

I hope we'll FaceTime with Ella today. We've agreed on 3 p.m. I get up at 1 p.m., and while I have been packing everything, I haven't noticed time.

I open FaceTime, and now I'm waiting for Ella. It's not three yet, but I'm hoping a little that she would come in earlier. However even when the clock "strike" three o'clock, Ella doesn't appear. Did she forget? Or did she initially didn't want to call up, but felt sorry for me, and therefore agreed, and then realized that it was too hard for her? Maybe that's right. I don't want this to be true, but I can't help the fact that these thoughts have paralyzed my mind completely.

I don't want to text to Ella to ask why she wasn't online. As always, my mind picks the most self-hatred idea of ​​why Ella's still offline. I'm not even going to convince myself; it doesn't make sense.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten used to Ella's kindness and taken it for granted. Now, most likely, the girl has realizes how great her friends are, and I can't compare to them, I don't have a chance.

I open the texts from my work. Maybe at least it will help the day go faster, maybe it will help me get rid of the depressing thoughts in my head for a little while. At that moment I feel that I physically need to start painting now, my body requires it. Sometimes this happens if I don't do it for a long time, but over the past week I have repeatedly approached Ella's painting and somehow improved it. In any case, after I've completed my minimum tasks for the job, I leave it for a while, and return to the portrait of Ella. Yes, I may be upset now that she forgot about me, but this doesn't mean that I'll abandon my project, which I like. After all, I put my hope in it.

I take my phone to look at that photo and hope to see a missed call or a message from Ella, but I don't find anything. She doesn't care. It infuriates me that I've no right to be angry with her. We aren't friends, not colleagues, not a couple. We're nobody for each other. If we leave each other's lives, it won't even be noticeable. Well, there'll be a video on Ella's channel where she answers my questions or talks about how some person helped her get to London. That's all. Honestly, it upsets me, it hurts me a lot, but I can't change anything. It has already happened. Yes, I like Ella, in every meaning of the word: as a friend, as an ordinary person, or someone with whom I could start relationship. I like her very much. I like the days when she stayed at my apartment, I like waking up with her, I like falling asleep to her voice, I like that my mother liked her, she's able to put my brother to his place (just that she didn't pay attention to him). All these qualities describe Ella exactly the way she is: strong, kind, brave and not bad-looking. Yes, I like all this in her and there're many other details that I don't know about yet.

However, let's be honest. She doesn't like me. I don't know how to behave in public, I'm constantly somehow embarrassed. People around me are just as uncomfortable as I am with them. Maybe one day I'll find myself the same companion, but Ella's the complete opposite. She's active, she's an influencer who stays calm in the presence of people, she's excellent at expressing her thoughts, and she speaks superbly. The girl is always the best in everything.