The Sapphic Christmas

22nd December

Sophie

There're only two days left until Christmas Eve. I didn't think time would pass so quickly. It seems that only recently I saw Ella for the first time, but on the other hand, a lot have happened since the time. Or maybe it just seems that way to me.

Today I've a meeting with friends from the art classes. Once we're spending a lot of time together, but we grew apart. We still talk at classes; we don't spend time outside. At least Christmas party is our tradition, once a year we meet somewhere outside of the studio.

We've agreed to meet at 2 p.m. in London. I've been going there way too often in the last month. However, I even like it, quite a bit. Although it's noisy and crowded, London is much better decorated than all the other cities. Honestly, I really like the way it looks. Yes, Brighton also looks very festive, and yet, I always expect more from the capital.

All morning I've been scrolled through TikTok, Twitter and other apps. I begin getting ready around 1 p.m. I don't really have to do anything: all the gifts are in one corner, I rarely choose outfit for a long time, and I still don't feel like eating. Therefore, I spend the rest of the time looking out the window at the snowfall. Honestly, I love this kind of weather. I hate the cold, but I like the snow. When it snows, I get in an extremely festive mood, I want to give joy people, want to be part of something big. I feel light, powerful. I think I can do anything.

I get into the car and turn on the music. It helps not to think about anything. Lately this's exactly what I need. There're so many topics that should have been carefully considered, but so far I understand that feelings will interfere, and nothing worthwhile will come of it. However, I still think a little about the apartment, about Ella, about Andy, about the family, about my future, my past, about everything.

The road to London, as always, is a traffic jam, but it seems today more people then 3 weeks ago (when I was driving with Ella). I already begin to worry that I'll be late. I hate being late, being delayed, making someone wait for me. I don't like the feeling in my stomach when I'm late. It's like the whole world would be destroys if I'm not on time.

I'm on time, but there's no Andy. I text him; he leaves me on read. Okay, fine, I won't worry about him anymore. Of course I'd be glad to see my good old friend, but... are we still friends? Am I overly dramatic today?

We've decided to go to the fair first, but no one has asked my opinion on this matter. I count to ten and then nod with a forced smile as if someone was watching. Well, I considered them to be my good friends, but it looks like I was wrong. How many openings in one month! However, I like fairs for everything except the crowds and the cold outside, but this can be tolerated, actually. It's about them leaving me behind. At some point, it seems to me that I see Ella, but most likely, as always, it seems to me.

We walk around the fair, and then go to eat some pretzels right there. To be honest, I was hoping that we'd go somewhere to warm up, because I could no longer feel my fingers. Well, I've said about it, but no one heard me. Maybe, they were friendly to me, because I always was with Andy. He isn't here now, so they quit it. Such an unpleasant feeling appears in my chest, from which I want to vomit, cry, close myself from everyone. I hope that this evening would end soon and that I'll never have to see them again. Well, I'll meet them at the classes. Until this day, I thought that we could become good friends again. No, we definitely don't stand a chance.

Why is this happening this year? I mean, why did I get disappointed in those from whom I least expected these feelings, and vice versa began to return old relationships with friends from school? Maybe I'm over-dramatizing, but really, why is that?

Andy shows up, when we look at lights and talk about new iphone. He greets everyone with smile, nods to me. For a slip second, I think everything will be okay, but Andy stands far away from me and he doesn't even look at me. Okay, fine.

By six o'clock we've given each other gifts that we promise not to open until Christmas. And then... I've just decided to excuse myself and leave. I don't want to be here anymore. No one's upset by my departure, no one try to ask why I'm leaving. I shoot a look at Andy; he hides his eyes. What happened? Have I done something wrong? Am I just a bad friend?

Sitting in the car, I look at what I've in the back seat, because I haven't cleaned the cabin for a long time, and I need to assess the scale of the disaster. Instead, I see a painting of Ella. I want the girl to see her portrait so much. Maybe this's selfish, but I promise, if she doesn't want to, I won't interfere in her life.

So, I'm going to leave a gift at her apartment's door. I easily pack the canvas, tie a ribbon and attach a label. I put my name on it, on the other side I write an apology. This seems to me not enough, and therefore I write her a small letter on a piece of paper, which I make a bit like a postcard. The words find themselves somehow:

"Hi Ella.

I just want to apologize for what happened. In fact, I am very sorry that I said a lot of unpleasant things. It wasn't true, not the part about you. I miss you very much.

So many things have happened in my life lately that it's scary to even think about it. Although, probably it isn't so much, but it fundamentally changed me. And the best of them is connected with you. So, I guess I should thank you for that.

Thank you.

I understand if you don't want to contact with me anymore. If you ever need a friend, I'll be there for you, anytime.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I don't think it's necessary to explain who it is."

Yes, it's not perfect, but I'm completely satisfied. I'm scared to see her, so I'm thinking about how I can stop by her house, leave the paint on the doorstep, ring the bell, and then quickly run away from there. Or maybe there's another way, but I could only accept this one.

Arriving at the house where Ella lives at about seven and a half, I do the whole operation, but then I think that she's not at home. Okay, the main thing is that the gift, if it can be called that, remains in place until she returns. The people's things are rarely taken, especially since this's a good area, but you know, people are incomprehensible creatures for me, any idea can come to their minds.

I've no choice but to turn on the sound on the phone and go home, because this's the only thing I usually do. Turning on the Christmas music again, I hit the road. I don't know why, but now I feel a little better. Maybe I just should have done that from the beginning. Or maybe it's not worth starting all this at all, because now I'll always wait for a message and worry.

I've got a new message when I'm nearby my home. Does Ella already get back? I'm so worried, so I park, wait two minutes and only then check. It's not Ella, but the person isn't less surprising. Andy asks if we can meet now.

To be honest I know that I'll say yes. I love him, he's the closest friend to me. But he hurt me, he ignored me for days. I don't want to act like nothing happened.

"If you come to my home"

"Okay"

I go to my flat, wash my hands and... wait. I'm nervous, I'm glad to see him. Will we have a fight? Will everything be okay? I don't know.

Andy comes five minutes later. He's visibly anxious, his hands are trembling, he doesn't look me to eyes. It's not a good start. I let him in, we go to the living room.

"Do you want coffee or tea?" I feel uncomfortable, I'm glad we're at my place, or I'd already be dead by the panic.

"Water would be great, thanks." He sits at the couch.

I put glass in front of him and sit.

"Here's the deal. I have to tell you something, but you may be pissed off about it. I really love you and I don't want to lose you. So, I hope someday you'll forgive me."