The Sapphic Christmas

1st January

Ella

First of January. First day of the new year. Life from a new leaf. Rejection of all bad things. I was also going to start over and try to be the best version of myself. Do you want to know what really happened?

I did horrible thing, the worst I could do.

I couldn't talk to Sophie, I couldn't tell her about the trip, I couldn't talk to her about my feelings and our relationship. I couldn't tell her about anything. I just got scared. It seemed to me that if I left the letter and left myself, then she would be less hurt. The truth is it was easier for me, it was bad for her either way.

Nothing can be changed; I can only tell the story of how I ruined everything with Sophie. Do you want to know it? Let's get started.

When I woke up on the first of January, I felt like I was in hell. Sophie was lying next to me, a person who looked like a real angel (maybe she's my angel). Instead of making breakfast, working up the courage, and then talking to my girl about the current situation, about my departure - instead of all this, I got scared even more. Maybe if Sophie would wake up at the moment when I was writing her letter or leaving the room, I'd told her everything. If she'd offered at that moment a long-distance relationship, I'd had agreed. I didn't want to lose her, I didn't want to hurt her. Now I feel like she's a much bigger part of my life than I ever imagined.

However, the girl hadn't woken up at the right time. I didn't know what to do, but in the end, I wrote a letter in which I told about everything, absolutely everything. What I felt to her, and what made me scared, and how I felt about long-distance relationships, and I knew about this trip when I'd invited her to meet on Christmas night, and from the very beginning of our friendship. I understood that this could hurt her, but it's worse to leave and not say anything. The only thing I asked Sophie to text me at the moment when she can forgive me. I'm not sure that such day will happen, but I don't want to cut ties with her completely. This is cruel of me, perhaps, but if there's still a chance to improve our relations, then I don't want to miss it.

Since we'd stayed overnight in my apartment, I asked her to keep the key for herself. Just in case. However, if this was unpleasant for her, then I offered to give it to Louis, leaving his number.

Leaving this letter on the bedside table, I quickly got ready and took my suitcase with me. It was hard. I couldn't do it any other way. Maybe there's a way out. Maybe I could have done something differently, but the realization of this came to me only after some time.

When I came to New York I was devastated. I had some days before work started. I was lying in bed, scrolling through tiktok. Sophie didn't try to contact me. I still hope that a little later she will text me. And if not... I get it.

Louis tried to contact me, but I asked him to wait a bit and promised to call him back later. It seemed that the friend took this with understanding and no longer tried to call me or text me. So even better. I needed some time to myself.

I moved to New York! And... it doesn't matter anymore. After all, my story with Sophie is over. I believe that her life improved after that. Maybe I somehow influenced her, maybe at least sometimes she will remember me in a good context.

I would like to have another opportunity to talk to Sophie. Replay all of December. Or maybe, on the contrary, nothing would change. Work is important to me, I'm not ready to give it up. Choosing between a possible relationship and a real chance of success in my work, I picked the second. Maybe it was a good decision, maybe it's not. If life is a series of decisions that lead us to one final outcome or another, then perhaps there's no such thing as a "right decision." For example, in mathematics, if you make two mistakes while solving a problem, you can come to the correct answer. Maybe in our life it will be so. Having made two mistakes, I'll come to the correct conclusion. Where exactly should I go wrong? How many times have I been wrong? I don't know.

These thoughts enveloped me and haunted me for a long time. I don't know what to do for a long time. It seems that I can't even do my job the way I should. The only thing I've been doing lately is immersing myself in my thoughts and I can't find a way out of them.

I would like Sophie to be here. I'd wanted this even when I was leaving UK. I want it now even more, being in an apartment in New York. Neither then, nor now, I have rights to ask her about it. She deserves someone better.

I know I'll be okay; time will heal me. But at the moment I can't live a day without thinking about Sophie.

Tobe continued.