The Sapphic Christmas

17th December

Sophie

For the night I've stayed in a cheap hotel in a room with Andy. It wasn't our first sleep over, we used to stay at each other houses every weekend, so it's totally fine to share a bed. He has to go to the work in the morning, so I wake up alone and immediately go home. I need time to recover, at the moment I'm mentally exhausted. Yesterday's euphoria from meeting friends has passed, I no longer want to go to anywhere with friends. I don't know why I even brought this up. It's just that in that moment... I didn't feel empty. As the biggest egoist, I just wanted not to hurt myself, even if it meant to use others. I wouldn't insist, they were okay with the idea.

There's no news from Ella, it's not a surprise. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't communicate with me either. I should apologize, tell her how sorry I am. However, I don't do it, and I'm not going to. It's unfair to her. We'll make things up, be friends for a while and then it'll repeats. I don't want to tell her about the accident in the store with some teen girls. They're not the problem, I am. I'll feel pity for myself, I'll be angry again and say some hurtful words. Not because they're true (they aren't), but because I want to hurt her. At the moment I wanted to make it worse, to make her feel my emotions. "I'm suffering, why shouldn't she?" That was in my head. I know it's wrong, I don't want to make her weaker. Ella's brilliant, beautiful, nice, inspiring, open person. She deserves someone better that me. I want to protect her from myself.

If we continue to ignore each other, then after a while she'll definitely forget about me. After a while if she remembers, I hope it'll bring some good memories, before the stupid fight. I tried to be the best version of myself around her. It didn't work out. I'm sorry to be that way, but it's true me.

When I get home, I go straight to work. In fact, it helps me to distract myself from the pressing thoughts for a while. I like that now I can relax, at least a little.

However, I'm done quickly and the tens in my body comes back. I think about the last fight with parents. Firstly, I don't give a fuck about it. At the moment my mind always somewhere else, somewhere around Ella. It hurts, but I like to be separated from my parents and Will for a while. Secondly, I think I have to move somewhere far away. Our relationships can be better, if we don't see each other every week. Thirdly, I'm glad to skip Christmas dinner with them. It's even good: I don't have to buy gifts for relatives whom I don't even really know. I'm sad that I won't meet my grandparents, listen to their stories, sitting by the fireplace (stereotypically, but we really do).

I can just go to grandparents' houses. Maybe I should invite them over? That would be nice, but they'll be uncomfortable here most likely. It's sad, because I'd really like to show them how my apartment can be decorated. Of course, I'd tell them about Ella, I'd talk about everything, without secrets, but the side of me opens only to them. Probably, in ordinary families, children trust their parents, but everything is different with us. Will tells everything to mom and dad. My dad literally never understands me. For him, I'm probably too small to give even a drop of love. But it wasn't always like that. When I was a child, he spoiled me, loved me, and then gradually began to move away. As a result, now we don't even talk, except for fights. He loves telling me how useless I am, and that he regrets that they couldn't stop at one child. Can you imagine how painful it's to hear such words from your parent for the first time? Then they repeat, repeat, repeat, circling overhead like vultures over dying desert prey. My father apologizes in between our fights, he always says that he doesn't mean it. He's just angry, it's a hard day (every day is hard for him). But you know, there's one small plus in this whole situation: I've learned not to let him get too close to me. Of course, his words hurt, but they don't have the power as they used to. I wish to forget my past and stop loving him. However, I can't, so I'll always have a hole in shape of my dad in my heart.