The Sapphic Christmas

30th December

Sophie

Only two days to finish all the to-do lists this year. I'll leave all the problems, all the fights, all bad stuff in this year, in the past. I know I need to do something for now, but what? Build relationships? I can't change everything by myself, especially in two days. Moreover, with whom should I now establish relations? With parents? Everything is fine with us if we're separated for a long time. Ella? Everything is cool, fine, it couldn't be better. Gradually, my life returns to normal, so that I can't even find any specific problem. I still feel like something is wrong, and I really don't know what.

I drove Ella to her house last night and then went back to my apartment. Since I didn't want to sleep, I called Andy. He already was free from my brother, so he came to be my company. I finally got the whole situation between them. I'm honored, to be honest. William and Andy are really privet persons, but both of them are fine to share it with me.

Andy gone home about four o'clock in the morning, at that time I went to bed, but in fact I still didn't feel particularly tired. I felt like I was missing something. And honestly, I hate this feeling, because I still have the strength, I could do something, but what and how?

It just kills me.

When I wake up, I immediately go to Brighton. I want to see where my future apartment is located (if we sign an agreement with the seller). I don't to act irrationally and buy first available apartment. What if it's an unsafe area? Or there's no parking lot.

Today, Ella and I haven't agreed to meet, I haven't particularly insisted. As I understand it, she has to work today. I hope nothing serious is "burning", and she will be able to cope in one day, so that tomorrow she can return to the celebration of the upcoming New Year.

Arriving in Brighton, I go to the cafe to have breakfast. Snow lays on the ground. Some children are running along the opposite side of the street, not paying attention to anyone but each other. I feel how much fun they have, and I feel jealous, because they have such an opportunity all the time.

Before any thought comes up that makes me sad, I decide to just hum a song in my head. Surprisingly, it helps, and soon I find myself on the beach, where there can't be bad thoughts. I know I want to go to the same cafe where I had breakfast almost every time I was in Brighton in early December. I guess if everything works out with the move, I'll spend all my money here, but at least I'll die happy. I have to walk a little, this distance is easy to cover in about ten minutes, but I stretch the walk for all twenty, or even more. I watch the seagulls that flew over the pier or how they beg food from people. I remember how some seagulls stole Ella's fish-and-chips.

"Miss, your phone is ringing." A boy says to me. I thank him and go by. Speak of the Devil, Ella calls me.

"Hi." I speak when I hear her nervous mumbling under my breath.

"Hi, Sophie. What are your plans for the new year?" She seems to be doing something at the same time she's talking to me. We've already talked about it, before I ask her to go with me and my friends to the village.

"None. Any suggestions?"

"Yes. Would you like to come to my little New Year's Eve party? There will be only few of my closest friends. You can take your friends if you want."

"I'll ask them. What time will it start?" Actually, the word "party" scares me. It also implies a large number of people, this's not really suitable for me. Plus, I don't want to call my friends either. Maybe I should invite Andy and his boyfriend.

"About eight, but I haven't decided yet. You can come whenever you want." Then I ask about the dress code. "Come in whatever you want. Even in sweatpants and a large T-shirt or in pajamas, or in suit. It's fine either way."

"I'll definitely be in my pajamas." I'm joking, but in fact I have nothing to wear so as not to look flawed, especially among her friends.

"Great, then I'll be in my pajamas too." I smile, and I hope she does too. "I have to work, I'll call you later, okay?"

"Yes, good luck with work." My little bee. We say goodbye and I return to the real world. I don't like reality. Nevertheless, I continue to walk along the sea and soon get to the coffee shop. The same girls and a young man work there. I have tea and a large croissant with vegetable dressing.

I think about everything that happened in my life, and I understand that there're many events, but I didn't experience any of this. I just went with the flow, not getting proper pleasure from everything. I don't want to say that I wasn't happy, I was very good. But if I did something else or achieved everything in more than five clicks or so, then there would be more joy. Are there still people in the world who are unhappy with the fact that everything is simple in their life? It just feels like all my feelings have taken a vacation and they're not going to come back.