The Sapphic Christmas

13th December. part 1

Sophie

After yesterday's incident, I read all the comments under Ella's recent videos, and under all those vlogs where I'm appeared or has been mentioned. People really hate me. I don't know how many of them compare to those who called me "cute" or something like that, but those evil words mean more for me, unfortunately. I mean, of course, I'm trying to focus on nice or neutral words, but I just can't do it. There's always an insult in my head. These people even manage to find insults to my nose, although I've never had problems with this.

Andy stayed with me until morning, but he can't spend all day here. Unlike me, he has to work in the office. It helped a little that he was around yesterday, I really appreciate it. He tried to stop me from reading comments, but failed, so he just read it with me and insulted others. Then we watched "Elf" and talked. It kinda helped for a bit, but in the morning depressive thought came back.

I ignore all calls and messages from Ella. I just need some time to cool down and become usual me. I might accidentally say things to Ella that I don't really mean. I don't want to be rude to her. She also faces hatred towards her, even more than me, and she can overcome it. So, I must too.

I have no plans for today, so I wake up around 1 p.m. It seems to have become a habit for me. I think to go to the store, look for more gifts, wrapping paper and other stuff. It's been snowing all day and I really like it. It was good.

On the other hand, I don't want more of these meetings with Ella's fans, I don't like the previous one. Despite all the arguments inside, I force myself to get up, change my T-shirt into a sweater, and then leave the apartment. In fact, I really want to go somewhere, I just don't know where. I'm tired of London already, I want something less crowded. I think for a while, waiting for the car to warm up. Okay, Brighton never leaves my head (I still look for the apartment here, just for fun). I put the destination on my maps to find the closest way. The city isn't far from mine, and I can get here pretty quickly.

I turn on the Christmas music, and of course I think of Ella, but I don't text here back. I need to apologize to her for ignoring, but I'm afraid what the conversation will entail and she'll guess something's wrong. I rarely manage to hide the thoughts that fill my head.

I'd like to think that Ella is sitting here next to me and singing Christmas carols, as it was quite recently.

My phone ring and honestly, I'm hoping it's Ella because it would be easier for me to apologize when she's already in the mood to talk. It turns out to be my mother.

"Hi." I try to sound kind and happy.

"Hi, Sophie". She seems to be in a good mood today. "Will you come to us for dinner tonight?" This definitely wasn't in my plans, and I really don't want to. However, I can't think of a good reason to refuse. "You can invite Ella along; we'd like to get to know her better." Now that's more like the truth. Mom just wants to meet a girl. After all my "antics", I stopped to be their welcome guest.

"I don't think it'll work. Ella went with friends to Scotland." After that, my mother won't be so stubborn.

"We'll be waiting for you for dinner at seven, objections are not accepted." She immediately hangs up the phone. How should I feel about this? Should I call back and insist on my own? Or just swallow it and go to that family dinner? On the other hand, what's wrong with that? Nothing, almost. Although no, after all, they can hurt me a lot: parents always choose those words that I least want to hear. They'll definitely start talking about Ella, which is understandable. They'll say that I just need to become the same as William. Of course, in their eyes, there's nothing complicated or toxic about this. However, I can't become the person they want me to be, I can't change my personality just to please someone. I'm truly sorry, because I tried over and over again, I did everything in my power, but it didn't work out. I studied, tried myself in sports, even wanted to be straight as fuck. I'm sorry that everything is happening like this, but I can't change anything. I can somehow change my character, we're all gradually changing, and maybe they think that I haven't applied enough strength. Sometimes I think it's true. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't diligent enough, that I could do more. I also remember how I died in training from pain, because it's beyond my strength. Fragments of my attempts to be "like William" are well preserved in my memory, it didn't help at all. I remember how it broke my heart. I don't want this to happen again.

I feel bad from these thoughts, from the noise in my head. I'd like to turn everything off. Being in the car alone with my thoughts, my pain, I feel even more pressure than when I was talking with my mother. Maybe I should just relax, maybe it's a consequence of stressful days. I can't stop thinking, because the road ahead is straight, and it leads me to my own experiences.

I don't know why, but at some point, everything seems to get even worse. After some good time, there always comes time of sadness when the pain returns and it's much stronger and powerful as it was.

I'm scared that one day, I won't be able to stand it, and I'll fall apart like a house of cards from the wind. These thoughts make my heart beat faster and I shake my head to get them out. Headache comes right after it, as always. I hate it. Even here I'm powerless, because all the medicines are practically kept by my mother at home, I don't have anything in my car. This pain makes me drive faster to get to Brighton faster. I don't know why, but I'm sure I'll feel better there. Well, or at least there will be some kind of pharmacy.

After couple of hours, I'm already driving home, completely unrested. The weather in Brighton is terrible. I've drunk tea on the pier, and after that I've gone home, because there's nothing else for me to do. Last time the city made a bigger impression on me. Maybe because I've met Ella last time, maybe because the weather's been better. Maybe something is wrong with me now, and not with the city. In the end, I'm just plain nervous that I decide to go to a family dinner after all. We need to prepare now for the fact that there I'll be destroyed as much as possible.