The Sapphic Christmas

15th December. part 2

Ella

I expected that I'd spend the whole evening in the pleasant company of Sophie, we'd laugh, talk about everything, we'd get back piece in our own heaven. As a result, what we have: I'm sitting alone in my apartment, waiting for Louis and scrolling through the last dialogue with Sophie in my head, trying not to let my feelings and tears out. I don't want to cry over some girl. It doesn't matter what happens. I just want to be able to get rid of this feeling of uselessness. I'm tired of being "thrown" out of my life by everyone when they stop having fun.

Lou arrives pretty quickly, he silently finds tea on my kitchen and makes it for us, then he returns to the guest room where I've been sitting all this time and covers me with a warm blanket. That's the reason why we call him "mommy", even my parents never did this for me. He always cares about me more than anyone. It seems that this won't change. I hope it won't.

"What happened?" He sits down on the floor across from me, looking me straight in the eyes.

"It's just... I'm making her life worse." Honestly, I wasn't going to cry, not today, not because of a person who might say such a thing. However... I had so many hopes about Sophie. I hoped that I could be friends with her (maybe more). I cherished the hope that she understood me. I feel like I'm asking for something impossible. The realization brings tears to my eyes and a roar from my throat that I can't control. Why is it always like this? Why do people treat me like this? Am I the problem? It seems so, since this isn't the only case. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Maybe, in fact, I should spend less time surrounded by people, I should stop trusting everyone I meet.

"Don't hold back." Louis immediately reacts to my actions and hugs me, putting my head on his shoulder and pet my back. He's the only person in the whole world whom I can trust, whom I want to trust. I wouldn't survive his betrayal. Louis won't do anything, that can hurt me. Only this person knows me completely, the real me, the most unpleasant features that I have ever tried to hide. He knows about everything, he knows about how I feel, he feels my pain like his own. Louis is ready to listen to me even when it's night outside, and he had one of the most difficult days or a long flight ahead (I try not to disturb his sleep on such days, but anything can happen). Simply because he's my best friend. In fact, I have no one closer than Louis. And he has me, we both know it.

"Sorry." I say calming down a bit. "You had to go back. You're just ..." He doesn't let me finish:

"Don't even think about it, honey. Coming to you is my own decision, so don't apologize." He kiss' my forehead as he sits down next to me on the couch. His arm's wrapped around my head and the guy hugs me so that my head is on his shoulder. I don't know if he's comfortable (I hope so), I really like to sit like that. "It's a pity that it all turned out this way. I thought Sophie would be the one."

"I thought so too." I say, mentally thanking my friend for not forcing me to tell everything now. It's not time yet, I can't talk about it calmly yet. "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, why I push everyone away from me."

"I don't think you're the problem, my dear. You didn't push me away." I feel him smiling as he runs his hand through my hair. "I don't want to justify anyone, but maybe Sophie had some problems of her own. I mean, she didn't mean to offend you, I think. Sophie isn't a such person according to your stories. It doesn't mean you should forgive her right away. If she comes back and you'll be interested, you two may talk."

"May be so." I nod. "But maybe I was wrong about Sophie."

Sophie came to my house, but from the very beginning she seemed nervous. I was going to ignore it for a while, but then I realized that it was impossible to ignore her mood. When I asked what happened, I didn't receive any answer, but then everything began to clear up gradually: Sophie was angry about something. I understood even at that moment that everything was going in the wrong direction for us. As a result, we somehow began aggressively respond to each other, although I still don't understand how it happened. And gradually it turned into a big fight. Of course, I wasn't all white and fluffy either.

The last thing we said to each other was:

"I'm tired of all this." Sophie said as she got ready. "There's eternal condemnation from the outside, constant compulsion to be a good person, because I'm next to you. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you're embarrassed to be with me. Maybe it's not my problem, maybe it's no one's faults. But you know what? Before we met, I had a calm life, without any troubles and now it began to slide down the slope into the abyss faster and faster."

"Maybe the problem is not in me, but in someone who cannot solve her own difficulties and shifts responsibility to others? Have you thought about it? Of course not. When such an attractive girl thought about someone other than herself. When was the last time you thought about the fact that maybe everything isn't as it seems to you. Maybe not only your life has deteriorated with the advent of a new person in it."

"Well, great, go back to your unproblematic life, where everyone is so perfect that you can't be embarrassed by them."

"Excellent." I had nothing more to say to her, Sophie was no longer in my apartment.

When did things get so bad?