The Sapphic Christmas

13th December. part 2

Ella

Sophie seems to hate me. I mean it in all seriousness, the girl's tired of me, I guess. I don't know why this surprises me, because she isn't the first one, she won't be the last, most likely. However, I hoped that at least Sophie would be different from all the people that I had have met on the way before, I thought we understood each other.

What happened before? Well, meeting new people is like this for me:

1. get over yourself and start talking to them. Your voice isn't terrible, your movements aren't weird, everything is going well.

2. Yes, everything seems to be really good. Maybe I should tell the person a little more about myself, they look trustworthy. Yes, I like spending time together with them.

3. The decision to communicate with this person is the best in my life. I'm ready to tell them everything. I want to spend all our free time together, if the desire comes from both sides. "Would you like to meet today? Yes, no problem, I understand that we all need some space."

4. "In what sense are you tired of me? Why do you say that? Yes, I understand, I was too intrusive. Sorry, this won't happen again." Yes, after all, my voice is terrible, my movements are strange, I shouldn't have spoken, it was a bad idea to try to overcome myself, to jump above my head.

It hurts a lot, actually. It's hard for me to open up to people, it usually takes a lot of time. I still have to deal with internal complexes. They prove that nobody really needs me. Sometimes I'm overcome by such strong bouts of loneliness from which it seems that I'm ready to go out into the street and talk to all the passers-by.

When I created my YouTube channel, I thought it would help me get rid of loneliness. In fact, it only made things worse. Now I always feel lonely surrounded by people. The only consolation for me are my closest friends. Only they can listen and hear me, the real meaning of my words. Yet, there're moments in life when I can't share my problems with anyone. I love my friends, they can always find time for me (or almost always), but sometimes I just shut myself in.

Today I need to spend some time alone. In fact, when something serious happens, I always try to step back. It happens spontaneously, no one notices. If they do, they don't say anything. In one of these periods, I've realized this thing: I have only me. All other people can leave one day. Even my closest friends can move away, go about their own business. Even my parents, who have long ceased to be my interlocutors, all people can leave. I'm the only one left. Sure, it might sound a little sad, but isn't it soothing at the same time? After all, there's still a feeling that it's impossible to be alone. I think it's very important. With my mood I spoil the festive atmosphere. I'd better write down my thoughts in a notebook later, it'll help to relax a little, and now I'll go have fun with my friends. Or at least I'll try to pass the time.

To be honest, it doesn't work out very well. Although we walk around the city center, looking at the beautiful buildings, I still think about Sophie all the time. What could be causing her to ignore my calls? Should I stop this? Yes, definitely. I'll pretend I don't care about her attitude anymore. I have pride, I don't have to be the one who always tries to talk.

Maybe Sophie's just busy with work and in fact she doesn't avoid me? It would be nice to be true. I feel that it's not the case. I don't know how to describe this feeling, but I just know we're not okay and the attitude won't pass like it never happened.

"Everything is fine?" Louis asks as the two of us sit in the hall of our apartment. All the other friends go to the bar, and we've decided to take a break. Maybe later we'll join them, but I'm not sure about it.

"More or less." I don't want to talk about it now. Suddenly, all the problems are a figment of my imagination, and in fact our relationship isn't spoiled?

"Good, but you look sick." He put his hand on my forehead. Louis' hand really cool. Or my head is hot. "You have a fever." Louis gets up and goes somewhere, and a minute later he returns with a small bag in his hands. "Take this pill."

"What if it doesn't help?"

"Then you'll have to see a doctor."

"Probably not worth it. I just miss home. Plus, it was stressful weeks later" I take the pill. I have felt dizzy since the moment we returned to the apartment. Still, I think it's Ella's fault. The part about stressful week is true, but the girl has a big part in it.

"Then let's go home." He suggests, as if it's so easy for him to cancel the trip that we all had been waiting for and planning for so long.

"I don't think that everyone will need to go if only I'm home-sick." Louis looks into my eyes; he seems to be trying to find the real reason of my fever. It feels like he's ready to yell at me now, but instead, the guy in a calm tone, only lowering his voice a little, says:

"Do you think we'll let our friend stay alone, when she's not okay? What is your opinion of us? Plus, what if something happens with you on the way home."

At that moment I clearly understand that apart from these guys I don't need anyone. They're ready to do anything for me. Moreover, I can do anything for them. Anything they want, absolutely everything. We're family, I don't need anything else.