The Sapphic Christmas

16th December

Sophie

I don't know how my day went until four. I haven't done anything at all, I haven't even gotten to work. It seems like I'm just lying in my apartment with a Christmas playlist and watching the lights on the tree flicker. It'd be great to have Ella here with me. We'd talk about something exciting, watch some super-cute-Christmas-movie-about-love, and maybe at the end I'd suggest dating, being a couple. Only if I'd be sure that the girl isn't dating anyone. Most likely, I'd have been rejected, but at least I'd have tried. I also think about the days we decorated the apartment, and the Christmas tree. I treasure these memories. It was my first time to invite stranger to my home, to decorate on my own, to cook for two, Ella has a lot of my first times. To be honest, this's important for me, only because Ella was next to me. My whole December is brightened by her, which no one else could do (even I can't do it myself).

At 4 p.m. I have to get up to wrap a present for Michael, he's one of my school friends. At least I like to do it, so, I don't have to force myself. I quickly pack up and go to the meeting place. We've decided to meet not in our home town, but to drive to Brighton.  The city's loved not only by me, especially before Christmas.

On the road, I turn on the holiday music again, I keep it on for the rest of the "trip". It has nothing to do with our relationship with Ella. After all, it's only once a year, I'm not going to miss such a celebration. True, I still haven't decided where I'll spend the holiday, although there's only a week left until Christmas Eve. On the one hand, I can go to my parents for dinner, there'll be my grandparents, I would really like to see them as soon as possible and as much as possible (we rarely meet, but we really like to spend time with them. However, I don't really want to spend time with Will and with my parents. I can't break off relations with them the way it's happened with Ella, after all, we're tied by blood. So time will pass, my mother will bring everyone to my house so that we'll "make up". I hate it. It'd be better for me if we've minimized our relationship. I don't like when my mom is forcing my dad and brother to talk to me. It actually looks like a favor. I don't need that, to be honest. The time has passed when I needed their care and guardianship (although even then I didn't always receive it).

The snowfall is getting thicker and I can't see the road well because of it, but it even has its advantages. Probably there's only one advantage: everything around seems magical. The atmosphere around immediately changes because of these snowflakes. After a while it begins to annoy me, but I drive away these aggressive thoughts. I just like everything that's happening around.

When I drive into Brighton, "Mistletoe and Wine" is played in my car. I immediately think of Ella. This city, this song, this atmosphere is about her, and I already miss that magic, fairy tale, miracle that I've felt when we're together. I miss Ella. I don't know what will happen next, and I'm scared of it. Maybe with time I'll stop feeling it, maybe I  won't. The unknown is frightening when it may not end well.

I quickly reach the pub, where my friends are already waiting for me, but not everyone has gathered yet. Great, I'm not late. We say hello, I hug everyone in turn. They've taken a very comfortable table by the window so we could watch people pass by. I sit by Andy's side, we chit-chat a little, but he sees me almost every day, but we don't have the same opportunity with others, so both of us talk more in group than tet-a-tet.

Honestly, I think I'm going crazy. It seems to me that many passing by people are Ella, or I compare them to her. This isn't normal, I shouldn't do this. All people are good-looking, they shouldn't be compared with anyone else. That's not what good people do.

"Hi." Our last friend arrives and we decide to start our own celebration. At that moment, I realize the pointlessness of the fact that I drove by car. If I drink, and I'll drink most likely a lot, I won't be able to drive the car home. So today I'm staying at the hotel, that's for sure.

"Why did we decide to meet on Monday?" I ask, because only now I understand what day of the week it is and why, there's not everyone. I'm nervous that I might say something superfluous, something off topic or rude. We haven't been close for weeks, so now I'm nervous.

"I don't know. It's the most free day of the week for all of us" Josh shrug. I nod and stop thinking about it.

I'm glad to be with them now. We drink, tell each other about life, exchange gifts, which is a lot of fun. I feel like I belong in the group, and that hasn't happened in a long time. Probably, this is so, because they've known me well. At school we're together for quite a long time, and since I haven't changed, it's even easier to find a common language now. Sitting with them at this table, when it snows outside the window, I feel like I'm under a warm blanket, I have a mug with some hot drink in my hands, and the most pleasant music of their voices is playing around.

"Do you have any plans for the last week of the year?" I ask, although I haven't fully considered this question and the proposal that I'm ready to put forward.

"No, I think." Michael says and everyone nod with him. "Do you have any suggestions for what we can do?"

"Yep, I do. Let's rent a cottage somewhere together after Christmas."

"Has Sophie, our little shy princes offered us to go somewhere? Have you really missed us so much? I'm so honored." Alfie starts to scoff, but I know he's just joking, and it doesn't sound offensive.

"Fuck off" I smirk and shake my hand.

"Actually, I'm all in, but my girlfriend might want to come with us..."

"Why not? I think it would be even better to take plus one."

Turns out I'm not the only one who isn't in a relationship with anyone (besides Andy, I've known he's single now). To be honest, it calms me down a bit. It seemed to me that they're all dating someone, but it turns out that this isn't true.

It's so unusual to be the initiator of some kind of trip. However I even like it. I hope everything will be fine and we'll go.