The Sapphic Christmas

24th December. part 1

Sophie

Happy Christmas Eve everyone!

I wake up at nine o'clock and think that today I can be a good girl for at least one day and go straight to my parents' home to help them with something. But before these, I watch "Mickey's Christmas Carol". It doesn't matter that I know this cartoon by heart, it reminds me best of the right Christmas' spirit. Plus, I need time to decide how to behave around William and Andy. I don't want to make a scene; I'm definitely not going to out my brother. I can't act like nothing happened. Does William even know that I know? Why did he give me such hard times after my coming out if all the time he was fucking with my best friend? Is it the reason Andy is friends with me – to be close to my brother? No, I'm pretty sure it's not the case. I hope so. I just think now that at least today I shouldn't make any mistakes.

From the very morning, I promise myself not to check my phone every five minutes, especially when I will be at my parents. While I'm hoping to get a message from Ella, I don't want to ruin everyone's mood. It's unpleasant when you are talking about something with a person, and they're constantly check their phone. So, I set a timer for myself to check messages only when it calls. Well, I don't hope for anything.

At two o'clock I'm ready to leave the house. So that my relatives wouldn't ask me a lot of unappropriated questions once again, I change my clothes. Right now, I'm wearing a Christmas sweater with Santa and his reindeers and a shirt in my backpack to change before dinner. Of course, if I'll be alive to the time. I'll tell you a little secret that I'll never tell anyone else. Come closer, you should hear this: I don't care what my relatives think, I do it all for myself. Shocking, isn't it? Well, of course I want approval by grands, but that's it.

I laugh because I've already started talking to myself and check my phone. I have a new message, but there's no hope that it's from Ella. But... it's a message from Ella!

"Hi. Thank you very much for the gift, this's the best that I have ever received. I'm serious.

I'm not mad at you, but I think we should discuss things together over a cup of coffee. Do you have plans for the night?"

"Hi. No, I never make any plans for Christmas night. Shall we go catch Santa?

"Yes, that's the dream. Can you be in Brighton by twelve?

"Sure".

Have I just arranged mission "catching Santa"? With Ella? Who is not angry with me, but wants to talk? These suggestions lift my spirits. This Christmas is definitely going to be the best Christmas of my life.

I do exercises to ground myself; I need to be in present. Future is great, plus it'll happen anyway. However now I have a lot to do. Moreover, the expectations will ruin my mood. First step: I need to put all gifts to my car. I don't have a lot in general, but there're 2-3 presents for about 15 relatives who's coming to the dinner. Before I leave the apartment, I take a look at it. My place is great. When I move, I'll definitely miss it.

Once I'm done and ready to go, I see a shade next to my car. The person leans to my baby, like it's theirs. I know only two people who does it with my car, and now I annoyed at both of them.

"Hey" Andy says, when I come closer.

"Hey. You waited to me finish, so you wouldn't help?"

"Maybe." He smiles. I almost physically feel that the wall between us breaks a bit. "Can we talk?" He nods to my car.

"Okay" It can't be worse then now, so why not.

"I was invited to your family dinner." He looks straight into my eyes, like he's trying to find the answers there. It's not that stressful like it was at my apartment last time, but I can feel his tension. "Is it okay with you if I'll go?"